Wednesday, April 22, 2009

The kitchen's quiet

It seems like forever since I was last here. Thinking about it often and wanting to write but not finding the words. At the moments my life is very Topsy-turvy. So many things happening at once. Feeling like it is all balanced on my shoulders and if I am to let go it will simply crush me. The pressure to do the right thing is so great right now.

I am finding a theme throughout my blog. So far, what I see is that I write about me and my daily life, things that just pop up out of nowhere. Thoughts that swirl in my brain and come out in the form of "word vomit" in this room. The next is me trying to reach into my past and find things that can help me with my future. I have very much enjoyed this process as it has proved to be fruitful.

The third part of this blog, that has me held by the cajones daily, is my daughter. I have shared very little about her here, and that will change as she is about to enter the picture from my past. For today though it is bad, very bad for her and everyone around her. Mostly for her. Although we hurt seeing the destruction she will be the ultimate price payer for her actions. There is no "getting through" to her about her decisions.

Things are happening to her due to the drugs and alcohol she consumes that can never be erased and most people would never recover from. She is such a fragile soul and is continuing to build up these great walls around it. To the point that people that do not even know her are reaching out to try and help. Pulling strings that we don't have access to. Jeff and I are lost. We don't know what else to do. We are mad and sad all at the same time.

We have tried for soooo long now to help her recover from the wounds of her past. To see the actions she is taking against herself is solid proof to me that all the years of trying has done nothing. She has not been reached. She learned to manipulate people into thinking that she is OK and it is all playing a big game of catch up at this point. We are faced with a decision. To enable or not. The enormity of that word...enable. The damage it does by allowing her to continue on her way as if there is no problems. She has a bed and a meal and somehow we feel like better parents by not forcing her to make the right decision. Because we know she won't, she will walk away and then what happens to her. I can't think of the possible scenarios. It makes my head feel almost like I am swirling. Thoughts just madly spinning in and out and trying to sort the good from the bad, the positive from the negative. Where are our possibilities? What do we do? I know the right thing to do is not to enable her. Not allow her to use us for a crutch any longer. The sooner the better. The sooner we let go, the faster she hits the ground running, and the faster she falls.

The process of having her placed in a treatment facility is in full swing. It should not be long. Waiting on a bed to open up. Praying she will not change her mind before it actually happens. She needs the break. Maybe a moment to step back and look at her life and find closure in some of the trauma she had to endure. Most of me thinks she is not ready to be honest with herself or anyone else in this world. Scared to death of being judged by others she lies to make herself not seem at fault in any way. No matter what. In fact at this moment if her mouth is moving you can rest assured it is a lie. This has put a huge strain on my relationship with her lately. I can not handle the lies. I have been that person and know exactly what she is doing and why she is doing it. There was no one that could have talked to me when I was her age that would have done any good. I was on the run as she is. She has agreed to go to treatment. Mostly so she would be able to leave school. I think it has nothing to do with getting better in any way as it does an escape from a pretty hairy situation she has found herself in. She is ashamed and wants to run. This seems like a way out.

Through all of this I have not found it easy to maintain any sort of sanity. Hunger rears its ugly head and all the old lies start flowing in. I am desperately trying to hang on for dear life as once again my life seems too much to handle. No one seems to have the answers I desperately seek. Have they been through the same? Can they give me advice? Are there really any answers? Do we just have to wing it, and if I hear one more time that I need to go on Dr. Phil I am going to scream. What in the world could that man do for me and my family in this moment other than exploit us. Not the answer I am looking for but thanks. I think my life has been exploited enough.

I want....I need....I hope....I pray....I beg....I promise....

I don't like being depressed or angry but right now these are the feeling that overwhelm me. I seem to lash out with bitter words. My small children are asking me if I am OK. Trying to shield them as much as I can from all of this, I am fully aware that they can sense the tension. I mean hell you can look at my daughter and see that there is something wrong. Something different. My youngest are super sensitive to me and my moods. I am not the mom to come home and go straight to the bed and curl up in the dark. Not wanting to think about it anymore. Completely exhausted from the days events. They stand next to my bed and touch my hair making sure I am OK. Making sure that they still have there mom and knowing that something is so different. Coming in to checkon me making sure that I don't need anything and all I can mutter is give me a few minutes and I will be out. I gather myself up for the evening. The kitchen has been quiet. Cooking alone. No dancing no singing. Nothing to celebrate. Not today.

I realize I am deep in my head and need to step out for a minute to take a deep breath and relax. I have done all I can do for her. She is 17 and is making decisions all on her own. I can not continue to feel this drive to "save" her. That is where this relationship between the two of us started and that is where we are today. In fact I feel today as overwhelmed right now as I was in that first year of raising her.
So here I am...where to go from here.? I think I need to sit still for a while. Let this crazy storm pass. As long I keep my bearings about me,I think once it is passed and the calm is at least in sight,then I can assess the damage. This boat can't sink.

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