Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. Wow! What a lie. That I have known for a long long time,but it couldn't ring more true than last night when she tore my character apart. I felt as if I had been mauled by a bear. I sat there not knowing what to say not knowing what to believe, not knowing if I should scream, cry, run. I was alone in this battle as my husband, and her father, let her say what he felt needed to be said. Really? Was it necessary? Am I this person? Have I not given my entire married life to raising her, his child, an abused child? Had I been so off base with my raising her that these words, these terrible words have merit? I know they don't. I know that she is sick and hurting and that this is her way of trying to get me to back off and leave her alone. I know that all the screaming and throwing and stomping and banging is her way of trying got get me to say "GET OUT!" She is forced to stay by the order of the judge but it didn't stop her from calling the police herself to report me for abuse and try to convince them that she needs to leave our home as she is not safe. One look at her the police knew. It is obvious. With her black nails, nose ring, torn jeans, black tennies without their laces, ranting and raving about her rights they knew before they ever laid eyes on me that this has nothing to do with me and everything to do with her.
Although I know all of this, and know that this is the right thing for her. I can't help but question what is the right thing for me, my marriage, my children. I have never ever in my life come across a person so out of control as I did yesterday in my living room. There is a sickness there that I can't comprehend. A mental illness, Swinging madly from one mood to the next. Screaming and ranting one second,to suicidal the next,to crying, to sarcasm, to calm to lauging on the phone to her friends. All in an hours time. Is this real? I was left in that hour stunned and pained and sad. Angry and hurt. Are there more words for hurt? I need more words that describe pain, the feeling I can't put my finger on that is sitting in my gut wrenching and working it's way to my brain where I am left asking. What is on the other side of this.
Am I more hurt by her words or by his lack of concern to protect me from those words. I get primal when someone is deliberately trying to hurt someone I love. Primal, caveman, there is no rational thought that goes through me other than to PROTECT. Why was that feeling not running through the man that I dedicate my life to. He is torn, hurting, scared, left holding the ball and does not know what to do with it. I picture him holding up a scale with me on one side and his daughter on the other. I am getting to heavy. He is going to release me to save her. Can I handle this on my own. I feel alone. As the tears are stinging the corners of my eyes for this I know that I will have to hold on to him, because he has to hold on to her. It does not have to be this way but she is making the choices here. I would gladly walk through this with the both of them. That is the problem though. She is not ready to walk through this so as long as she can keep me at arms length she can bide her time before she splits.
In the meantime I am here in distress. I am trying my hardest to use all the resources I have not to use this stress as an excuse to eat food my body does not need. This being so new to me. I don't know what else to do. Obviously having been in training for the past 7 months. It is time for the race. Do I have the skills to continue to care about myself in the face of disaster? Today? Right this minute I would have to say... YES I do. Will you hear me whine somemore? Guaranteed... I have worked very hard on my own ability this past year and right now I think I can handle the battle. My heart is still so young. I do still wear my feeling on my sleeves when it comes to certain people. My husband being one of them. That man is a part of me. So I sit with my feelings hurt by her words and his actions. Not wanting to be the selfish, poor me person, in this as I know we are all carrying a lot of weight right now. I will not throw my weight onto him.
I can do this. It will get better with time. Time is all we have.
