Last night as I lay in bed there was one specific incident that happened when I was around 15 that was sticking in my mind. I have always avoided this topic throughout my life acting as if it had never happened and well maybe I need to scream it out. Let it go and forgive myself for it.
I was around 15 and had skipped school ,I remember it was a Wednesday. I went with some friends and we drove to Bryan with about a dollar in our pockets. We didn't skip all day for whatever reason. We ended up back in school that day and I was quickly called to the principals office. They informed me that I had skipped and of course I tried my best to get out of it. They weren't buying it. My punishment was going to be d-hall, which was fine. What wasn't going to work was that they were going to call my parents. I remember begging them not to call them. Please don't call them! They are going to kill me! Of course they were obligated to do so.
I was in total distress over this fact and just knew that it was over. I was so scared and overwhelmed by what was going to be at home once I got there. I could not rationalize anything. I thought for sure that the answer to my problem that day was to die.
After getting home that day I went into my mamas bathroom and sat there crying about what I knew I had to do. I couldn't quite figure out how I was going to do this but two things came to mind. I could either cut my wrists or overdose on pills. I was only 15. I am a mother now and as I am writing this I can only think of my own children and how easy it must be for them to get overwhelmed with life as I did. It scares me to death. OK...moving on .. I drew a bath and sat there for a long time deciding that cutting my arms was not an option for me, I crawled out of the bath, opened my parents medicine cabinet and, started taking pills. I don't have a clue what I took or how much. I knew they were prescriptions and thought this would do it. Climbing back into the tub I had a come to Jesus meeting and was ready to go. Don't know how long I lay there,long enough to realize I didn't really want to die. Life was not so bad after all and I would need to accept my punishment.
Shoving my finger down my throat was about the most excruciating thing I had ever done. Bulimic, I am not. The pills did come out , as I was in the middle of forcing them out, there came a knock at the bathroom door. My dad was home!Early! Asking what I was doing.
Of course I lied and I began to cry and could not stop. I was sobbing for the guilt and the emotional pain that I had been living with but could not comprehend at that age. I was alive and knew I would never ever try to do that ever again.
The tears continued to sting my eyes for the remainder of the night,as I talked with my parents about me skipping school and we all went to the Wednesday night prayer meeting at my church in Chappell Hill which at the time was held in the museum. Sitting in a circle with gas heaters all around us I cried and nobody bothered me as I was not going to ever tell anyone what I had just done that day. It was between me and Jesus.
I kept it inside and I have never really told this entire story. I have looked at it privately and been grateful for my choices that day. The people I wouldn't have in my life. My children would not be in this world today. I would not have been able to experience my life as I know it, everything I am going through right now.
Teenage suicide,it makes me wonder when I know about kids that have done it I wonder if there reason was just as insignificant as mine. I was going to kill myself over skipping school. The experience humbled me in a way that I knew I was important enough ,that day, to be here in this world ,I had more to do. Years have passed since then and I tortured myself for many more. Although I never purposefully tried to kill myself again I did live a life that had no guarantee of the next minute. I lived in risky behavior,barely treading water most of the time.
I am grateful today for my life. I cherish the time I have with family and friends. I have slowly learned to treat myself like I am something to treasure. Feeling as though I don't really want to publish this post today. Is it too much info? Probably not for anyone who will read it. For me it is sensitive material. It somehow exposes me as the weak and hurt person I was. Well, I started this blog to do exactly that. I need to strip it down, look at it, let things go, gather up the good things and strap on for more in life to come. It just keeps coming. I am alive and in love and I know today that the plan for me was set all the time. Everything happens for a reason.
OK, so it is out of me and in this room. I think I may just leave it here. I have no use for this story. I have no need for the emotional weight it brings. Good bye mamas bathroom. It's been 24 years since that happened. I still think about it and it makes me wince. Hopefully this will change that.
