Being gone from here has left me feeling a bit overwhelmed in coming back. So many things have happened in the time I have been gone. I have regret over not documenting it all. The words come to me at the most inopportune times. I try to remember them but without coming here they seem to escape me.
Where do I begin? So many things...first on my mind is my daughter. She was placed in a drug treatment facility within the past month and things were looking good for her and a possible future until she flew the coop. So much anger and stress are attached to that sentence. Why, oh why, oh why. I don't want her to continue to do this damage to herself and our family. Such destructive and disruptive behavior. The amount of anger and resentment she has is too much for me to deal with at this moment. I have given soo much for this child and feel completely drained. I don't want to do it anymore. Do I have this choice? Can I say enough is enough? I am drawing a line. I am taking a stand. Due to this stand I am making there is a lot of friction between me and the family. Not believing what they are hearing. How could Paige do this, how could Paige say that? I don't care anymore. I don't care if they are mad about this. No more mad than I am that Karrissa took an opportunity that was granted her from friends of friends of mine that pulled strings to make this happen and happen quickly for that matter. She knew what would happen if she stepped off campus. She is no longer a child. Seventeen and counting for her. She should be able to make decisions that are beneficial to her instead of constantly tearing down that safe place people keep providing for her. Am I angry? Yes! Should I be? Yes!
There is a meeting of sorts this weekend.With the family to help her decide upon her future. Do I after all the family meetings that proceeded this one think it will do any good? No. I think there is smoke being blown certain places by a certain someone, is what I think. I feel like I know her better than anyone in this world. I feel as if I can predict what is going to happen in this situation. Am I causing her to break down and make the choices she does because I am expecting her to. I am not sure, This is a possibility.
How do I continue on? Is there no such thing as tough love anymore? I don't want to have to forever deal with this stress and pain and turmoil. The fear I have in my own home when she is there. I shouldn't have to be afraid in my own home. The home I love and have molded into my own personal space that suits all of those who dwell there. What a comfortable place to be. My soft spot to land. My 4 walls to hold all of the things I cherish. From the books to the children, I love it all, and don't want any of that threatened in any way.
I think I am allowed to be angry. I am angry and all wrapped up in fear. Fear of the stress involved and how it affects me on a personal and emotional level. Stress that makes me hungry. It makes me want to stay in the kitchen trying to figure out how to cover the unwanted emotion. That is probably why I am being so firm about this topic. I can't go back there. I am trying to help myself here. I spent so many years of my life pleasing everyone around me only to end up completely overwhelmed with emotions I didn't know how to handle other than to eat it away. I am almost at 100 lbs lost at this point and will not, can not, turn to food for comfort. No more!
