Today has been a lot like the past week. I consider it a wash. Work is done and again I have a headache. I am going home to lie down and hopefully it will pass. I have lots to do in my house.
I can't seem to sleep. I have never been an insomniac. I don't want to be either. When I am sleeping I am having nightmares. I am scared when I wake up and keep thinking someone is in my house. So I lie there too scared get up and too scared to go back to sleep. I know it has a lot to do with my daughter and the company she keeps. These kids all look unstable and they keep walking by my house. One of which spit in my yard. The other walks by with her pit bull. If you know me I am not easily shaken by things. I am not scared of movies, or being alone. I do read a lot of true crime books and think I am probably thinking too hard about it.
I feel like I am sleeping with one eye open. I am fully expecting to wake up to a teenager in my house with a knife. Am I overreacting? Maybe. I am not trying to think these thoughts. They are coming in the from of a nightmare. Once I wake up from it I am freaked out. I know this is not going to happen but my dreams are so real and scary. I want this to go away. I don't like being afraid.
Even when I am in the store, when I see a teenager, I get the feeling of distrust. It is very weird as I usually don't pay any attention to anyone in the store. I usually have tunnel vision. I am surprised that I have been so affected by my daughters behavior and her choice of friends. They all seem to have so much emotional baggage. Very disturbed and that freaks me out. Even with all the doors and windows locked I feel very insecure.
How do I get past this fear. I refuse to live in fear. It isn't fair to me. I haven't done anything wrong. I do not think that my daughter is trying to kill me but what I know is that she is very vulnerable right now. Following the lead of all of her "friends". I do know she blames me the most for her woes. I am the cause of the problems because I am the disciplinarian.
I really just want to sleep. This couldn't be much worse right now.
I am trying to keep my head up and be grateful for the things I have in life. Which is a lot. I am truly blessed and thank God all day for the things I have and truly respect all of it because things could have been sooo different for me. I didn't do any of this. The things I have in my life today were a gift that I continually am thankful for.
These thoughts and fears I need to leave behind. It is a manipulation of the mind. I need to end my day in a good place with happy thoughts and simple prayers.
