To clear a few things up about the type of person I am and was in my past. As I have had more than one person tell me either I didn't know you were so unhappy or I hear "oh come on you know we had fun". Both are right. I was not always unhappy, and I had a lot of fun in my life. I don't know if my blog is sending out the message that I was this basket case of a kid. I was not Ally Sheedy in the Breakfast Club. I tried, always to make the best out of every situation. I had a gift. It was comedy. People love to laugh and I could make you laugh with my sarcasm and my dry humor. I don't deny these things kept me on the up and up. I still have it, I am always thinking about the next thing to say. It is a part of me that I love and have always had. That I think made a lot of people think that Paige was this happy jolly fat chick. hohoho. I tried to make the best of it.
What I remember the most about all the parties from high school days is...we had fun, we always drank and I always drank too much. I always drank too much way too fast. I was the one sprawled out on the concrete around back dry heaving while the party was in full swing. Not y'all ...me. I still to this day can not drink certain things because of the amount of times I puked them. Was I trying to impress? I don't know. I wasn't depressed, I was troubled. Not knowing where I was headed,not knowing that this thing would grab me and take me for a ride. It seemed like we were all doing the same things right? Well I can tell you whenever it came to food, alcohol, or drugs I always overdid it.
Unhappy? depressed? lonely? not always. I could handle myself and had a way about me that made others want to be around. Did I go to college? NO! Did I get arrested numerous times? YES! Did I pursue my talent in art, the way I had dreamed of? NO! Could I have if I had not been so involved with drugs? Absolutely I would have. Do I regret anything I have done? Today? NO!
Looking at my children and knowing that if one thing in my past had been altered, even a little, would have caused me to miss that meeting. I met my husband by chance. We were not connected in any way. If I had not been there that night. How would things be different. Had I not been through what I had been through I would not have been there. I wouldn't have this man who gets me, although he doesn't think I am that funny. I wouldn't have my children. The personalities that they have. Oh I see my past in there. They are little trips. I know they are little mirrors of me. The laughing, the singing, the loud talking ,the sense of humor, the sarcasm. How could I have created more perfect beings. I love them and if it meant I had to do this all over again just to have them, I would.
Harboring my past is not what I am doing. I am cleaning out my closet of the bad things that literally weigh me down. So when reading this blog if it seems I am focused more on the bad times that is because I am. I am looking for what makes me this way. Trying to understand what it was that caused me this insanity. People do not do what I did. I look around and most of the time I was the biggest chick in the room. The largest in my entire family, the largest at work, the largest at the wedding I went to this past summer and that was on both sides of the family. That is overboard. To the extreme with food. Addiction? Pain! Low self esteem.
I was the one that chose to be around others that were worse than me and when you do that in the world of drugs. What started out as all fun and games with your friends leaves you with some very sick people. Because, I kept getting sicker, so finding people sicker than me takes you away from those who know you and care for you and drops you in the middle of a bunch of lying, stealing, cheating, messed up folks. Not a good place to be.
Continuing to live in denial of my issues left my life in a pile of rubble. If I had not chosen to make these changes when I did I would have lost it all. My family, my home, my husband. Would I have regretted it all then? YES! I can and am capable of making it better. Added a little water to the rubble and began to mold a complete person. I am on the potters wheel at the moment. I am an artist and know that my creation in the end will be a beautiful and stable.
