Wow! It has been an awful long time since I have even visied this site, and I am grateful for all of my words here..I learned so so much about myself and my life.. Things have changed a lot in the past 6 months. I am very happy today..Not that I think happiness is something I have to have all the time because it is not..I recognize that it is a feeling like all the others I am so familiar with...I no longer feel lonely or isolated..
Do I dare say it here?...Do I trust this page any longer? Are there eyes judging my words and my actions as I write them down for others to see? Those questions have kept me at bay..Fear of what others think of me...I am here.I am writing. I am getting better all day long...heck I feel better. So much weight has been lifted from me. Not only the physical weight I have shed, which by the way, I am at 110 pounds lost. The emotional weight lifted from me due the the choices I have made in my life have been tremendous...ok so this is what is up.. I have to get it out or else my writing will not matter because it wont be about what I need to blog about and today I need to tell you what has happened to me in these months I have been gone... I read back a few posts today and wow how I can see how much I was struggling..
Is it fair to say you will be with someone forever? I think it was something I always wanted to hear but never ever believed...but to hear it was calming to me.. So many fears so much insecurity..so so sad and lonely... I found that I fed myself food to cover all the lonliness of my own marriage...15 years we had been together..seems like forever . Some may think you must stick it out becuae of the time together..I made the ultimate decision to not stick it out.. Not for lack of trying all these years...I tried over and over and found myself drowned in a pool of fat trying to feed a void that could not be filled...
I do not expect at this juncture in my life for anyone to make empty promises that I will blindly follow ...I am not that girl anylonger..I am full grown woman and have made the choice to file for a divorce which will be final on jan.5,2010
Am I afraid? oh yea! Quite often...Stepping out into the world unprotected is how I felt.. I know longer feel this way.. I do not necessarily feel liberated or empowered..What I did, I changed the face of our lives...All of our lives...I was not the only one in this picture...I knew that and I still had to do it... There was no other way.. Making the choice to end this realtionship was tough based on the amount of people I had to let go of in order to release my self from the hold I was in..Many faces are turned in astonishment and anger as I have stood my ground...No longer a doormat to be scrubbed against...this has been a tough one..many days and nights I reminded myself that what I was doing was not necessarily right for all of the people I have in my life but it was right for me...I am solid in my decision...We were no longer good for one another...found that we were entwined in co-dependancy like a root system wrapping around pipes...crushing them...causing irrepairable damage...I had to cut it loose to see if my tree would survive without needing to tap into the broken pipe for nourishment...I guess at this point it would depend on who you ask...I am here to tell you that I am ok and my tree is growing ...close to full bloom...I have found myslef in a way that I can not really explain ...or I could but I couldn't expect most to understand...for now we will leave it be...
I am happy in my life right now and although I have days of sadness and raging fear of financial strain. For the most part, my life is calm and relaxed...The children are adjusting rather quickly as I have tried very strongly to enforce it upon them the truth in why mom and dad are no longer in the same home together...We have made two homes for our children. It has taken them a while to come around which leaves me pinned to my seat in fear of really messing them up for life...Going back is not an option...Teaching them strength and endurance and resilience...Things get better with time...As long as you don't sweep the issues under the rug thinking they will go away... Yea my kids are gonna have it tough because I know that leaving issues to sit long enough they begin to stagnate and fester, never healing..knocking the scab off only to find it still hurts...looking for ways to cover it up.. Needing a Band-Aid ...an emotional bandage ,but what works? hmmm...how about food? uh no.
Thinking thinking thinking....still my eyes well with tears when I find myself afraid of what I have done to this "family unit". Will my kids be forever destroyed in their beliefs of love and marriage...Forever and ever..Should I be the one to break it to them, or have I already?..My beliefs have changes dramatically when it comes to the idea of love and marriage...a woman scorned...Is it my place to put this on them?...Did I stay for so long because of these words I am writing? I am afraid I did...Did I do more harm to myself and the rest of the family hanging on to something that I knew was something I could never completely undertake? Was I working hard as I could for the lot of us? I am afraid I did...
Here I am...Making decisions for myself, not having to worry about being brought down...not having to care for him before I cared for myself...not having to compensate for what was gone long ago...Taking it a step at a time..Wheening ourselves off of one another...hanging on to the co-dependancy has been one of our biggest probelms in this whole episode of my life...We are both getting better and at this point we are almost completely independant of one another....smart wnough to know that we will forever be working together as parents and raising our children without further breaking their spirits is a common goal of ours...I like that..I like that we, after so many years and the past few months full of anger and pain and sadness and desperation,are able to agree that this is no longer about us as a couple but our kids as needing stability and consistency... I like that I can talk to him about what to do next with our kids and not have to fight through all the jealousy and rage...Times are coming full circle...I am feeling whole...I am feeling resolved...I am feeling love....I am feeling loved...I am loving....I am smiling... : )
I will be back..I have missed this.. I have craved this but I also knew that if I had been here any sooner things would have come out I may have regretted... I am defiantly wanting to preserve this person I have found in myself...I am a new woman... I am growing emotionally daily...I am Paige Elizabeth Keaton...
