I have no idea what I am going to write about today. I feel like i need to. Unsettled maybe, like there is something that needs to be released. Trying to maintain sanity in my home. All has been quiet. Tomorrow we are on our way to Austin to drop our daughter off at a drug treatment facility. I can only hope and pray that she will begin her recovery. I am trying to be optimistic but something deep inside of me thinks she is not ready. She is glad she is being removed from school. I think, she thinks, this is going to be something like camp. Trying to pack her bags as if she is Paris Hilton. Taking everything she has ,when it clearly states 10 t-shirts. 4- jeans,etc.etc. Picking my battles I figured they would be the ones to burst her bubble upon arrival.
Too many questions...will she? can she? is she ready? do we have a choice? is this wasting every ones time? does she really care? where's Jeff? how much do the little ones know? what do i say to them? on and on in my head it goes, where it will end nobody knows.
Trying to maintain a positive attitude about the possibilities ahead. Not succeeding. If there is one person in this world that I feel like I know inside and out. Able to predict behavior and sense trouble and know the lies. It is with her. I have been witness to this constant display of self destructive behavior for her entire childhood. She hates me for this. The anger that comes shooting from her eyes and lately her mouth is so obviously directed at me, and I know it is because I know her. I call her out on any and all self-destructive behavior. She can't stand that I am able to get to her this way.
One has to understand that it is not necessarily that I intend on making her mad. I find it very hard to hold back. Not only can i connect with Karrissa about her emotional pain due to the fact that for 8 years I was a stay at home mom with her. All day, every day, trying to figure out how to do the right thing, and hardly ever succeeding at it. But, I also was her. I was that kid on drugs, hurting, feeling worthless, when not medicated. Using my body to try and receive love. Stealing and lying. Drinking and smoking. This behavior is pretty easy to predict. It is progressive. There are things that happen to all addicts. Just in that same way as a baby develops. People can pinpoint the age in which an infant will begin to blow bubbles. Why would it be so hard for me to predict the things that she would end up doing? So far I have been right.
I want to go back to the time before Jeff and I were married. It was close about a week in from the day. There was already tension in the air between my parents and Jeff. He liked to play cards over at a buddy's house. He, for whatever reason was there a lot and not with us at home. I would end up with Karrissa most of the time. I was busy preparing for the wedding and there was no time for me to be running around playing games. We were on a budget and doing a lot of the work ourselves.
This particular night I was home with my mother and we were making wedding mints. Pressing them carefully into there molds. Earlier that evening I received a phone call from this guy that I had been friends with prior to my relationship with Jeff. We did not talk as often, simply because I was in love and it wasn't with him. He actually lived at the house in which Jeff was always playing cards and I guess sought the opportunity to call. He did not like Jeff, calling him a jerk. Why wasn't he with you? Are you really marrying him? I understood he was upset with the fast pace Jeff and I were moving at. It was 6 months in and we were getting married. I think back now and know that this guy had feelings for me that I took as friends only. The way I look at it is this. Me and this guy spent loads of time together. Enough time for there to be a connection. There was not one. Other than friends. For me at least.
Ok I am totally off track.... back to the mint making. As we sat there on the floor in my mothers living room, in walks Karrissa and in her small little Minnie Mouse voice says " I didn't start that fire in there." My ears perked as I knew what I heard but needed clarification. She didn't have to say another word. Her eyes began to panic. Jumping up I ran as fast as I could to the back room that used to be mine. It was on fire. The bed, curtains, clothes. It had been burning what seems like a few minutes only. The house at this point was in a panic. Phone calls were being made to 911. I knew we were at least 15 minutes away from anyone actually getting there. I ran into the kitchen and in the sink was the bowl we were making mints with soaking in water. I took it and threw it onto the curtains. Next thing I remember is my father and I dragging the mattress out of the house through the door on fire. Within a few minutes we had it out ourselves.
Looking around at the mess that was left behind. My wedding dress was in this room along with tons of other decorations, things we had been working on. Oh and I was having a white wedding. White. The dress was not burned and being that is was wrapped in plastic did not suffer smoke damage either. Not so lucky with my shower gifts from my bachelorette party. All of the lingerie was burned. Karrisssa was ok and not injured in any way. Kids play with fire. Kids are inquisitive. We were all calmed down and trying to regroup. I called Jeff to let him know but could not reach him. So it was the next day I guess when returning her to him that my father told him about the incident and was somewhat shocked that Jeff had no reaction to this story he was telling. Just took Karrissa and said oh ok.
This incident became the beginning of a long and tumultuous relationship between the 3 of us. Would I, if I could go back today, change my decision to marry Jeff? No. I would still be here. Right here sitting at my desk documenting my behavior, his behavior, her behavior. This is the tip of the iceberg. My marital iceberg could sink the Titanic. I love my family and despite all we had gone through and still are going through today this will not change. My love stays true. Through all the flaws. Through all the character defects. Up, down, up down, up down. For whatever reason ,I can not explain it, I remain in love.
