Less than an hour later I could hear my phone vibrating in my purse. Usually ignoring this device, for me it is more of an emergency item than a luxury. Reaching in my purse and grabbing the phone it is my husband. Answering the phone I hear what I didn't want to. The school called and they have our daughter in the office...she is high. Wanting us to pick her up or she goes to jail.
Arriving at the school before him I was in a panic. Torn between anger and fear. Heart beating rapidly not knowing how to handle this. What is the right thing to do? As soon as I saw her, I knew. I was her, she is me. That burden weighs heavy on me. The office was full of confusion. Lots of words passed I can now barely remember any of it. My feelings of fear were on top of my skin. What if we took her home? She wouldn't stay. She doesn't live there anymore and as much as we have tried to talk her out of it she will not budge. She can not be trusted for anything right now. Remembering when I had small children and how you knew that if they got out of your sight for even a second too long they were into everything. This is that same feeling multiplied.
That along with her stinking attitude made up the mind of the police officer and he placed her under arrest. Handcuffed our daughter and walked her out of the school crying. Past all of her peers gawking in the hall. Snickering, whispering, wondering. My husband and I trailed behind about 30 feet as they rushed her off to jail. Driving separate vehicles I reached mine and sat there listening to my heart pound out of my chest. Now what? It happened. What I knew needed to happen but didn't think would happened. She is in jail.
Sadness overcomes me about this just because I know. People don't do drugs because they are happy. People don't throw away there lives because it is rewarding. There is deep seeded pain that makes one go down like this. Her seeds are buried deep inside of her and they are almost at this moment impossible for us to even try to water. Resistant, tough, rebellious, ANGRY. She is not like the daughter we know that has had a long life of troubles. She is gone. That one that at one time we could talk down and resolve issues with has checked out and what is left is someone we don't know. I don't know this girl or how to get her to calm down as she is now in our home. She has been remanded to our custody and you would have thought someone had poured Holy Water on her. She is retching in anger at the thought of the rules that will be set into place. The discipline that she so hates.
As parents what do you do? You have to keep up a good front even though the words coming from her mouth are tearing you down and wearing you out. Do I have to? It hurts should I let her know it hurts? I have and she , right now, glories in it. We have taken her from what SHE thought was good. Back into the home where striving to succeed is not a choice. This child has the possibility of being something great one day. Brilliant and beautiful. What she lacks is what was stolen from her when she was just a baby. Before I ever met her. Before I married her father.
When I was out on the streets of Austin wasting my own life away. My daughter was in a home being abused and neglected by her birth mother. The first years of her life were traumatic and life altering to her. Little did anyone know that this trauma would carry with her through all of these years, she is 17 now and her father and I have raised her since her 4th birthday. Although I don't think she remembers most of what happened to her, somewhere in her soul there is damage. Damage only she can touch and she can heal. I think that sore spot in her is a mystery. Blaming anyone and everyone for the troubles she is in. Can not bear the thought of the pain involved with working on herself in an emotional way. It is the only way and is not going to be easy. There may be no one to blame for this pain any longer. There may be no other way than for her to nurture herself in to a well person. Her support system is large. She has family from all sides rallying around her to help her when it gets too painful.
She has to start the process of growth. She has to nurture that deep seeded pain that we can't touch. She has to bring it to the surface at least so we can rid of it and heal that spot that hurts so bad. I hope and pray that she with our support can do these things without suffering a long and painful life. Break the cycle of self abuse that runs so deeply in her family. She can, I know she can, but will she.?
It is Wednesday now and all has been a blur. Coming home tonight to more of the same. This is an intervention for us. Please any one who is out there remember our family when you lay your head down at night. Please for our daughter who needs, deserves a better life than what she can provide for herself right now. Pray like you never have.
