Things about my life are going to be forever changed because of the places I've been and things I have seen. I have a lack of trust in others as well as myself. My thoughts seems to be a bit darker and more warped than what I call "normal" people. It really sucks sometimes also. I wish I was normal and didn't have to look at life from the side of my eyes. Too many times have I tried to trust and love and lean on others only to find that there is no one there. To open my heart to people takes a lot from me and I do feel totally exposed. I AM totally exposed. Sitting there in my skin knowing that all it will take is a that one mistake of my judgement to strip me of my skin bearing the wounds that will heal,but only with scar tissue. Each time building up a thicker skin to endure the pain again.
I seem to stay there. Parts of me think this is where I want to be. Not necessarily in pain. I want to be a part of others lives. I want to risk life and love and friendship. The risk seems to be worth it. I seem to heal OK . What would life be without all of these things? Where would I be if I had not stepped out of that box I lived in. The life I disappeared in. It was a dark and lonely life. There were no risks in that. People have a real misconception about people that use drugs. They tend to think they are risk takers and tough, all that jazz. I beg to differ. I used drugs to disappear. I didn't want to deal with my life. The hurts, the tragedies,the losses. It was easier to sit in a dark space and do whatever was available at the time to force you into not thinking about the pains that had to be dealt with. They have to be dealt with! There is no other way around it. If I wanted out of the dark I had to lay it out. I had to look at it. I had to dissect it and say that was it. No more.
The feelings of pain and loss can be overwhelming. Just like everything else it does get better. The stabbing subsides and life smooths on. The realization of this has allowed me to be that better person I am today. I take the stresses of everyday life and share them with anyone who is willing to listen. Lately it has helped to just put them in this room. It is living. It is life. Knowing I have to accept my past and the skewed way I have of looking at things has gotten easier for me each day. I shouldn't look at is as warped. Although I know it is.
I am on this journey to shed that old skin which has held me captive for so long. A few bumps in the road have come and keep coming but I am trying to stay focused on my goal here. I will continue to blog and most importantly, for now, blog about my past. There are questions that need to be answered. I know drugs are not in my future but that is not why I am here. Food! I used food. The same way I did drugs. Going back hopefully will get me the answers I need. I have faith that I am not going to ever go back to the person I was less than a year ago. I have been free now for a little while and boy does it feel good.
Progression not perfection
