Coming around the bend in my life was an experience that almost took it out of me. I should be dead. I should be brain damaged. I should have no family or friends left that love me. I should be diseased. All of these things I should have been. What I did to myself was beyond abnormal. Having had all of these experiences in my life has made my view on it a bit skewed. I tend to look at things with a slight tilt. Through the looking glass.
Do I have regrets? Absolutely. A few of the things that have come up in this process that I swore to get out in this room but have hesitated are...
1. Minnie- my grandmother who I adored all of my life. She lived with our family almost all of my life. Growing up, my time playing was spent in her room. Watched soaps and tennis with her. We played Yahtzee until I was a champ. She made all of my clothes for me when I was younger and didn't quite fit into the normal sizes that were available. Oh, how I loved that woman. Very talented in her craft. She was a tremendous seamstress. I loved going through all of her things. The bottles of perfume that I would wrap up and give to my parents for Christmas. Those bottles always ended back on her vanity the next time I looked. I have the fondest memories of her. Oh yeah every Sunday when the Chronicle came out there was a little paper in there for kids. It was called the MINI-PAGE. We loved that. She is Minnie and I am Paige. Love it.
One time....I was such an ass and having a party at my parents house. They were gone but Minnie was there. She of course did not agree and kept poking her head in the living room to check on things, looking out the back door at the pool. I am sure she was in a panic. Feeling responsible for these people in our home. I am not sure what led up to the conversation we had but she was standing in the living room not happy with me wanting them to leave. That was not going to happen and I was going to make sure of it. I screamed at her in front of others there, to "SHUT UP! and GO BACK TO HER ROOM!" She started crying and although it hurt me at the time I would not show it and tried to play it off. What was I thinking? This was my Minnie,I didn't treat her like this. I had been possessed by something. I had never ever seen her cry. Why did I do that? Then as time went by I never apologized to let her know that I was deeply sorry for hurting her. I hid under the shame like I did everything else. Even after I left rehab I didn't do it. I was so utterly ashamed of it I wasn't strong enough ,or so I thought, to admit to it. By this time Minnie had advanced Parkinson's and was in a nursing home. I rarely visited her and when I did there was no way to communicate with her. She died in 1996. Without ever a word from my mouth in apology. I hope she forgave me for that day. I regret that.
2. Elvis- I wish I would not have been there that day, sitting on the curb. I regret pushing him into doing hard drugs. He was just a kid. The money spent is not my regret. The regret is that when all was said and done this kid ended up in prison addicted to crack. He has spent the last 15 years in and out of prison. A lot of people got hurt during that time. I made it out, I was lucky. Elvis is not the only one from that group that has spent years in prison. I wish I wouldn't have been associated with that. Even if he had found it all on his own. That didn't happen. I showed him how to do it, where to do it, and lots of it.
3. My father- While all of this was going on in my selfish life my father was diagnosed with bladder cancer. I had no idea. One day my sister came looking for me and told me I needed to come to the hospital because Daddy had surgery. What?! I remember it being Halloween night because my baby niece was there dressed like a pumpkin. Very uncomfortable being there. Cut off jeans and dirty feet. Sitting there smelling like smoke. Probably stoned. I don't even think I had shoes on. I never wore them, so I bet I didn't. I was the black sheep. What do you say? I didn't say much, stayed for a short time and left never enquiring about his health again. He is a survivor. I regret not being able to be there for moral support for him and my mother. Having the added stress of a drug addicted daughter could not have helped matters at all.
4. School- The fact that at that very young age I was so talented in art. I could do just about anything that had to do with my hands. I would have loved to have gone to the Art Institute of Houston. That was my dream. Not taking the correct steps to achieve that goal is a regret. Not pushing myself. I would have been very good at whatever career I had chosen from that field. Here I sit at my desk. Punching the same buttons over and over. Wishing there was a financial way out of this so I could do something I love. Today? What would that be? Something involving food. Restaurant, catering, party planner. It takes money to make money.
5.Cindy- Not asking her to be in my wedding. She stood by me through all of my mess. Never faltered and for whatever reason I made the mistake of grouping her in with the people I needed to leave behind in my life . I know it hurt her feelings and I do regret that one. If I could do that over I would. She remains my closest friend and I know she is reading. I love you Cindy and am truly sorry.
6. Family Heirloom- I stole it. It was my grandmothers. I stole it. A Susan B. Anthony 1912 gold coin, in mint condition, that was set into a necklace. At the time it was worth a lot of money. My grandmother let me wear it for a long time while I was with Pete. When I moved to Austin I left it behind thinking I didn't want to get robbed. Once I moved to Austin and things got tough financially that piece was on my mind. I went into my parents home and took it while they were gone. Ironic. I robbed the exact piece I left to protect. Went back to Austin a sold it to a coin dealer for 300 dollars. It was worth a lot more. Directly drove to a drug dealers house and bought heroin. All the money was gone that night and so was the coin. I thought they didn't know. They knew. Duh. My parents knew as they confronted me on this during a family session in treatment. I hung my head in shame. This necklace was not mine to take and it hurt them badly to not have it any longer. It wasn't what it was worth. It was priceless to my father as it was his mothers. Regret for that will remain for me. I can't make that one better.
For now those are the things that sit on top. As others rise to the surface I will make sure to scrape them off into here. I feel like it will help me to get rid if it at least. Less emotional weight. This room is getting pretty heavy. Not feeling like such a train wreck any more I still have lots of work to do and lots of area to cover. That was just when I did drugs. 15 years have passed and I still until this past year lived with loads of baggage. Continuing to add it on. Things have happened in my life even since then that pale in comparison to normal. I do not know what normal is. What is normal? I hate that word. Having heard that all my life it was something that I wasn't but should be. Eat normal. Look normal. Act normal. Wtf.
Entering a whole new phase. We are about to step out of the pits of drug hell. Straight into what may seem like more than one person can handle. Marriage and children. Oh joy.
