Still making progress in my journey to lose weight. It has been a fight, and every pound I have shed I become more and more clear on my life and how things should be. My battle with addiction is going to be lifelong. Being fully aware of that allows me to try and look at myself from the outside at times.
Looking in the mirror can be deceptive. My mind will flat out lie to me about my appearance and, because of that lie, put my health in great danger. I am my own worst enemy. Sabotage has always been the name of the game. Being a fan of The Lord of the Rings, I make a comparison of myself to that of Smeagol/Gollum. My precious! My precious! The sick part of me tells me it is going to be ok I need it. I have to have it. Can't live without it. The overindulgence of food is my ring. I was in the dark for such a very long time that parts of me did wrinkle up and crave more of what would ultimately kill me.
I did the same thing with drugs. I used them in order to not use food. It was still the same addiction. I have no doubt about that. I phened for food the same way I did cocaine. I huffed any vapor I came in contact with the same way I used to sneak food past my family to my room only to gorge on high calorie-high sugar concoctions. I hid this as well. I hid, or, so I thought. What denial addicts live in that they really think they can tear down their lives and noone will notice. It is hard to hide either one after a while. They both rear their ugly heads sooner or later and you have to make a choice. I have made that choice. Again.
Although these changes obviously had to run their course on their own. I have always had people reaching out to let me know, and, I wouldn't/couldn't accept what was put before me. I knew. I thought about it every day knowing something had to change. I had to... just....get....there. Ok so now that I am here and things are well. Knowing not to trust my mind. Don't know if I will ever be able to when it comes to this. 80 pounds gone. 50 more to go.
This leaves me on the journey the long long way through all the mud and the muck I traveled to get here. Telling this tale will surely help. It couldn't possibly hurt me. Me!, Frodo! lol. Minus the hairy toes. That's funny. Even though there is so much truth to that statement. I can't wear the ring of my past. The temptation is tooo great. I can not resist. I will simply tie it around my neck go through what I need to and hopefully when I get there and I have no idea how long that will take. I just pray that at the end of the road will be my lake of fire to throw this tempting sickness into. Be gone with it.... Remember it.... Respect it for the power it had over me. Never, ever, put it back on. Off I go to live in the Shire..yeah right.
