Went to bed earlier than usual last night, not because I was tired but just to be able to lie with my husband and snuggle while he slept. Finding myself to be a clingy person. Needing to be hugged and loved and caressed by him. He doesn't seem to mind so I assume it is not too much. Don't know if it is more than usual, maybe it is. Seems the stress of worrying about my very stoned daughter and digging into my past has brought things to the surface that I have to figure out how to work out. Stuffing these feelings with food is no longer an option. As I say that, I also don't know how to, not. It is a battle in my brain. One side telling me how hungry I am and the other saying "NO!" you are just stressing out. It is a hard thing to recognize and I can honestly say that I am not very good at it. Trying to stay on the side of reason. Trying to convince myself that this depression and stress is temporary and has absolutely nothing to do with food.
After yesterdays post I was able to mull over it for a while. Wondering about how much I was affected by the death of Pete. If I am being completely honest here I will admit that I do not think we would have ever been married and if we had it would have been a mistake. That I have always known. He was there for a reason in my life and I truly believe it was to pull me out of a grave situation. What gets me though, is all of the "what ifs" and " I wonder whys" or " maybe if I would haves" that have kept me living in the guilt of his death. I carried that weight around for a long time thinking that if circumstances had been different, if I hadn't called it off and avoided his calls then maybe just maybe he wouldn't have headed that direction that day.
This situation was so out of my control. I am not God, and do not make ultimate decisions on peoples lives. At that time, in my life though, it did not matter. I had this cross to bear. Carried it for a long time. Even about a year ago I ran into his youngest sister on the bread aisle at Wal-Mart and we talked for about 30 minutes. It had been at this time 17 years since his death, and I still could not help but question what if. I left the conversation feeling emotional and maybe a little bit better seeing that life went on for this family. This was a good man. He was kind to everyone and spiritually true to himself. He had a lot to offer people. He is gone. Although I will never forget him I do have comfort knowing that I was not responsible for his death. I could not have saved him. None of us are promised tomorrow. Having felt so unworthy for so long, being the one to stay here on this earth. I think maybe, just maybe, I have punished myself enough for something I had zero control over.
Oh, I could go on and on. The final thought on this is I feel like I have learned something about myself that I had never seen. I never really thought this much about his death. Nor did I think about it other than in a selfish way."Why Me?" Angry and self blaming I always, always pushed back the feelings of loss not knowing what it meant to truly grieve. I will be a better person on the inside because of this. That sore spot in my own heart is healing and making room for the love I need to have for myself.
That is what it all comes down to right? Love yourself enough to take care of yourself. This will all pass and something else will surface. Will I be ready for it? I am a work in progress.
