I lay in bed last night thinking about how it is that I do most of my thinking while lying in bed. My words that I use to come here and share seem to wave over me as I lie reflecting on the days events. Wishing at times that I had the strength to get up and start writing as the thoughts come. At that time though I am floating somewhere between consciousness and dream land. In and out of thought. Why and, for how long have I had this in me to write? I don't know. Wanting to, but never having done it for lack of time and interest in my own personal well being. This is my counsel I can look back and see how I have grown. I am not alone in this project.
Putting all of this out here for everyone to read is humbling for me in a way that I feel I am baring my soul at times. To the point that when I go back months and read my post I am still amazed at the amount of honesty I was able to give. So many times when I write I know what I am going to write about but don't have the words. I just start and not until I am finished and go back to proof it do I see the words for the first time. Where are they from? Who is writing this? I couldn't have or more so, I wouldn't have shared THAT much about myself. Feeling stripped naked for the world to read. Humbled. I mull over the words not sure whether or not I should actually post it or not. Press publish post is all I have to do. Just click it. Some days I can't. Some days I haven't. There are still a few I have left in the draft section or just deleted.
My blog has relieved me of a lot of guilt I have carried around for a long long time. Finding myself in a little bit of a panic when I hear about the next person to read my blog. Almost like a child revealing his artwork to adults for the first time. Feeling shy and timid wanting praise, not expecting it though. Getting better at receiving the compliments that come my way. Never having been very good at anything, mostly for lack of trying, this is new to me and finding the self worth and self esteem required to receive the compliments has been a task. Getting better at it though. Something in me feels as if I still do not deserve the compliments. Does that ever get easier. I feel like a putz.
Learned from my mother. I know it! I can remember the praise my mother would get for all of her talents and I can still see her bowing out with a sheepish smile like a Geisha. Knowing her work was absolutely amazing but not confident enough to take ownership of it. She could have been Martha Stewart if she had just gained the confidence she needed to own the craft she has. That is neither here nor there now. Just recognizing that for me is big. Figuring out how to change it will be huge. I am not there. Yet.
No matter what I will continue. For now I kinda just pretend you are not really out there looking. This is for me. This is for you. This is for my family. This is for my future.
This is from God.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
THE DIRTY SIDE
When I think about the Heart. The organ that keeps our blood pumping so perfectly delivering oxygen to all parts of our bodies. Keeping me alive, allowing me to think and to breathe. Being so much more than that. So much more. It is the place where we carry our love. How good it makes the heart feel to be in love. Almost as if, it is lit from the inside. Powerful emotions come from the heart, it swells with joy and, wrenches in pain. Feeling as if my soul is tucked safely away in my heart. That is where I feel from. All through out my core but the main source of that energy is attached to my heart. Sensitive and fragile. Easily broken or injured. How to protect it is the thing that has kept me sick for a long time.
I don't think a person can live a clean, happy and, full life having spent numerous amount of hours trying to protect it. At some point you have to realize that you are going to feel sadness so deep it feels as if it is cutting you to the bone. There will and have been points in my life that my heart has been so full of love for a person that I feel like I am free falling when I think about them. What about anger how it shrinks your heart into a tight ball and turns it dark and nasty and tense, very tense. Disappointment weighs heavy like a wet cloth on my heart and somehow I have to just know that this is a feeling. It is a God given feeling. Why do I run? Why do I medicate? Why do I not want to feel it? Why do I not trust that this feeling, whatever it is at the time, will subside. Nervous, Excited, Jealous, Proud. You take the good with the bad, you wait it out. All of them will simmer down and you can see that "guess what?" your heart is still beating.
Loss....greiving...pain that takes real work to make better. Does the heart die a little when you feel real pain like that? How much can it take? Do these emotions that we feel all day everyday take a toll on our physical heart? Can we die of a heartbreak? Can you miss someone so much that the heart never completely heals and left unattended just gives out? From emotion? I am asking? I am wondering....
Having had a friend of mine recently have a massive heart attack. She is young and although there is a history of heart disease in the family, the amount of loss she has experienced in her life outweighs all of that. Her tone as she speaks of them and how she misses her sister soo much makes me wonder. A life taken too soon. A life that she depended on for comfort and friendship. Trying not to think about the medical side of this because all of that, her doctors will do there best with. I see the pain in her eyes. I saw the tears well up in her eyes as she spoke of her. Trying her best to push them back and not feel that pain at the moment. Maybe just maybe that is what is needed to happen. Maybe her soul needs cleansing. Maybe those tears need out to release the pain and suffering in her heart that is fragile at this point.
My hope for her is that she can find health and happiness in her life. Personal happiness, the kind that no one around you can provide no matter how much they may want to. Getting caught up in sadness and grief builds like a hurricane in your body. It becoming stronger and stronger as you feed it exactly the right mixture of anger and fury. It has nowhere to go. Becoming stuck inside your being swelling and spinning causing panic. The tears may help. The tears allow the levy not to break. Releasing the pressure little by little until you find that the storm is gone. Be careful of the eye of the storm. Know that it is there and the dirty side of this emotional storm is yet to come. Making it through the storm is an accomplishment. This takes time and there is no limit for personal growth. Just be careful as to not follow the storm. Let it pass.
For you my friend....R U LISTENING?
I don't think a person can live a clean, happy and, full life having spent numerous amount of hours trying to protect it. At some point you have to realize that you are going to feel sadness so deep it feels as if it is cutting you to the bone. There will and have been points in my life that my heart has been so full of love for a person that I feel like I am free falling when I think about them. What about anger how it shrinks your heart into a tight ball and turns it dark and nasty and tense, very tense. Disappointment weighs heavy like a wet cloth on my heart and somehow I have to just know that this is a feeling. It is a God given feeling. Why do I run? Why do I medicate? Why do I not want to feel it? Why do I not trust that this feeling, whatever it is at the time, will subside. Nervous, Excited, Jealous, Proud. You take the good with the bad, you wait it out. All of them will simmer down and you can see that "guess what?" your heart is still beating.
Loss....greiving...pain that takes real work to make better. Does the heart die a little when you feel real pain like that? How much can it take? Do these emotions that we feel all day everyday take a toll on our physical heart? Can we die of a heartbreak? Can you miss someone so much that the heart never completely heals and left unattended just gives out? From emotion? I am asking? I am wondering....
Having had a friend of mine recently have a massive heart attack. She is young and although there is a history of heart disease in the family, the amount of loss she has experienced in her life outweighs all of that. Her tone as she speaks of them and how she misses her sister soo much makes me wonder. A life taken too soon. A life that she depended on for comfort and friendship. Trying not to think about the medical side of this because all of that, her doctors will do there best with. I see the pain in her eyes. I saw the tears well up in her eyes as she spoke of her. Trying her best to push them back and not feel that pain at the moment. Maybe just maybe that is what is needed to happen. Maybe her soul needs cleansing. Maybe those tears need out to release the pain and suffering in her heart that is fragile at this point.
My hope for her is that she can find health and happiness in her life. Personal happiness, the kind that no one around you can provide no matter how much they may want to. Getting caught up in sadness and grief builds like a hurricane in your body. It becoming stronger and stronger as you feed it exactly the right mixture of anger and fury. It has nowhere to go. Becoming stuck inside your being swelling and spinning causing panic. The tears may help. The tears allow the levy not to break. Releasing the pressure little by little until you find that the storm is gone. Be careful of the eye of the storm. Know that it is there and the dirty side of this emotional storm is yet to come. Making it through the storm is an accomplishment. This takes time and there is no limit for personal growth. Just be careful as to not follow the storm. Let it pass.
For you my friend....R U LISTENING?
Monday, June 15, 2009
It's not what your eating, it's what's eating you!
Being gone from here has left me feeling a bit overwhelmed in coming back. So many things have happened in the time I have been gone. I have regret over not documenting it all. The words come to me at the most inopportune times. I try to remember them but without coming here they seem to escape me.
Where do I begin? So many things...first on my mind is my daughter. She was placed in a drug treatment facility within the past month and things were looking good for her and a possible future until she flew the coop. So much anger and stress are attached to that sentence. Why, oh why, oh why. I don't want her to continue to do this damage to herself and our family. Such destructive and disruptive behavior. The amount of anger and resentment she has is too much for me to deal with at this moment. I have given soo much for this child and feel completely drained. I don't want to do it anymore. Do I have this choice? Can I say enough is enough? I am drawing a line. I am taking a stand. Due to this stand I am making there is a lot of friction between me and the family. Not believing what they are hearing. How could Paige do this, how could Paige say that? I don't care anymore. I don't care if they are mad about this. No more mad than I am that Karrissa took an opportunity that was granted her from friends of friends of mine that pulled strings to make this happen and happen quickly for that matter. She knew what would happen if she stepped off campus. She is no longer a child. Seventeen and counting for her. She should be able to make decisions that are beneficial to her instead of constantly tearing down that safe place people keep providing for her. Am I angry? Yes! Should I be? Yes!
There is a meeting of sorts this weekend.With the family to help her decide upon her future. Do I after all the family meetings that proceeded this one think it will do any good? No. I think there is smoke being blown certain places by a certain someone, is what I think. I feel like I know her better than anyone in this world. I feel as if I can predict what is going to happen in this situation. Am I causing her to break down and make the choices she does because I am expecting her to. I am not sure, This is a possibility.
How do I continue on? Is there no such thing as tough love anymore? I don't want to have to forever deal with this stress and pain and turmoil. The fear I have in my own home when she is there. I shouldn't have to be afraid in my own home. The home I love and have molded into my own personal space that suits all of those who dwell there. What a comfortable place to be. My soft spot to land. My 4 walls to hold all of the things I cherish. From the books to the children, I love it all, and don't want any of that threatened in any way.
I think I am allowed to be angry. I am angry and all wrapped up in fear. Fear of the stress involved and how it affects me on a personal and emotional level. Stress that makes me hungry. It makes me want to stay in the kitchen trying to figure out how to cover the unwanted emotion. That is probably why I am being so firm about this topic. I can't go back there. I am trying to help myself here. I spent so many years of my life pleasing everyone around me only to end up completely overwhelmed with emotions I didn't know how to handle other than to eat it away. I am almost at 100 lbs lost at this point and will not, can not, turn to food for comfort. No more!
Where do I begin? So many things...first on my mind is my daughter. She was placed in a drug treatment facility within the past month and things were looking good for her and a possible future until she flew the coop. So much anger and stress are attached to that sentence. Why, oh why, oh why. I don't want her to continue to do this damage to herself and our family. Such destructive and disruptive behavior. The amount of anger and resentment she has is too much for me to deal with at this moment. I have given soo much for this child and feel completely drained. I don't want to do it anymore. Do I have this choice? Can I say enough is enough? I am drawing a line. I am taking a stand. Due to this stand I am making there is a lot of friction between me and the family. Not believing what they are hearing. How could Paige do this, how could Paige say that? I don't care anymore. I don't care if they are mad about this. No more mad than I am that Karrissa took an opportunity that was granted her from friends of friends of mine that pulled strings to make this happen and happen quickly for that matter. She knew what would happen if she stepped off campus. She is no longer a child. Seventeen and counting for her. She should be able to make decisions that are beneficial to her instead of constantly tearing down that safe place people keep providing for her. Am I angry? Yes! Should I be? Yes!
There is a meeting of sorts this weekend.With the family to help her decide upon her future. Do I after all the family meetings that proceeded this one think it will do any good? No. I think there is smoke being blown certain places by a certain someone, is what I think. I feel like I know her better than anyone in this world. I feel as if I can predict what is going to happen in this situation. Am I causing her to break down and make the choices she does because I am expecting her to. I am not sure, This is a possibility.
How do I continue on? Is there no such thing as tough love anymore? I don't want to have to forever deal with this stress and pain and turmoil. The fear I have in my own home when she is there. I shouldn't have to be afraid in my own home. The home I love and have molded into my own personal space that suits all of those who dwell there. What a comfortable place to be. My soft spot to land. My 4 walls to hold all of the things I cherish. From the books to the children, I love it all, and don't want any of that threatened in any way.
I think I am allowed to be angry. I am angry and all wrapped up in fear. Fear of the stress involved and how it affects me on a personal and emotional level. Stress that makes me hungry. It makes me want to stay in the kitchen trying to figure out how to cover the unwanted emotion. That is probably why I am being so firm about this topic. I can't go back there. I am trying to help myself here. I spent so many years of my life pleasing everyone around me only to end up completely overwhelmed with emotions I didn't know how to handle other than to eat it away. I am almost at 100 lbs lost at this point and will not, can not, turn to food for comfort. No more!
Monday, June 1, 2009
CAN'T HEAR MYSELF FOR ALL THE NOISE
Journey to Finding Me. So far it has been a journey. I am constantly looking into my life and how one thing out of the ordinary can throw me for a loop. With an already busy life where is it that I can find the time to work on issues that surface. Lately they have been left out to grow. Issues, left unchecked quickly become problems. Figuring that out in a timely enough matter is always the key.
Taking a step back right now. Back to where I was before. I knew the static would be too loud if I let outside forces in. I am not strong enough right now to handle all the noise. Settling back into the groove I was in before. Where I was comfy and cozy. Is it possible to come back. What happens to the knowledge and experiences you learned in a dificult time. Do they not somehow change you into something else, that just simply saying oh I am going to stop and step back into this place that was oh so good to me. Can that happen? I'm not so sure. Maybe just maybe looking around at my life and the constant mistakes I make trying to live it, I can work on the two steps forward one step back pace. I know that is not the ideal place to be in life. That one step back just may have taught me something about my life that I can learn from. Learning about myself is such a funny thing. I can evaluate you and your problems like nobodies business but left to figure myself out, well it seems to take a while. Trial and errror.
I am back I am feeling better. I think it is time to get back to my blog and clear some of this noise from my life. Smooth sailing for a while at least.
Taking a step back right now. Back to where I was before. I knew the static would be too loud if I let outside forces in. I am not strong enough right now to handle all the noise. Settling back into the groove I was in before. Where I was comfy and cozy. Is it possible to come back. What happens to the knowledge and experiences you learned in a dificult time. Do they not somehow change you into something else, that just simply saying oh I am going to stop and step back into this place that was oh so good to me. Can that happen? I'm not so sure. Maybe just maybe looking around at my life and the constant mistakes I make trying to live it, I can work on the two steps forward one step back pace. I know that is not the ideal place to be in life. That one step back just may have taught me something about my life that I can learn from. Learning about myself is such a funny thing. I can evaluate you and your problems like nobodies business but left to figure myself out, well it seems to take a while. Trial and errror.
I am back I am feeling better. I think it is time to get back to my blog and clear some of this noise from my life. Smooth sailing for a while at least.
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