When I think about the Heart. The organ that keeps our blood pumping so perfectly delivering oxygen to all parts of our bodies. Keeping me alive, allowing me to think and to breathe. Being so much more than that. So much more. It is the place where we carry our love. How good it makes the heart feel to be in love. Almost as if, it is lit from the inside. Powerful emotions come from the heart, it swells with joy and, wrenches in pain. Feeling as if my soul is tucked safely away in my heart. That is where I feel from. All through out my core but the main source of that energy is attached to my heart. Sensitive and fragile. Easily broken or injured. How to protect it is the thing that has kept me sick for a long time.
I don't think a person can live a clean, happy and, full life having spent numerous amount of hours trying to protect it. At some point you have to realize that you are going to feel sadness so deep it feels as if it is cutting you to the bone. There will and have been points in my life that my heart has been so full of love for a person that I feel like I am free falling when I think about them. What about anger how it shrinks your heart into a tight ball and turns it dark and nasty and tense, very tense. Disappointment weighs heavy like a wet cloth on my heart and somehow I have to just know that this is a feeling. It is a God given feeling. Why do I run? Why do I medicate? Why do I not want to feel it? Why do I not trust that this feeling, whatever it is at the time, will subside. Nervous, Excited, Jealous, Proud. You take the good with the bad, you wait it out. All of them will simmer down and you can see that "guess what?" your heart is still beating.
Loss....greiving...pain that takes real work to make better. Does the heart die a little when you feel real pain like that? How much can it take? Do these emotions that we feel all day everyday take a toll on our physical heart? Can we die of a heartbreak? Can you miss someone so much that the heart never completely heals and left unattended just gives out? From emotion? I am asking? I am wondering....
Having had a friend of mine recently have a massive heart attack. She is young and although there is a history of heart disease in the family, the amount of loss she has experienced in her life outweighs all of that. Her tone as she speaks of them and how she misses her sister soo much makes me wonder. A life taken too soon. A life that she depended on for comfort and friendship. Trying not to think about the medical side of this because all of that, her doctors will do there best with. I see the pain in her eyes. I saw the tears well up in her eyes as she spoke of her. Trying her best to push them back and not feel that pain at the moment. Maybe just maybe that is what is needed to happen. Maybe her soul needs cleansing. Maybe those tears need out to release the pain and suffering in her heart that is fragile at this point.
My hope for her is that she can find health and happiness in her life. Personal happiness, the kind that no one around you can provide no matter how much they may want to. Getting caught up in sadness and grief builds like a hurricane in your body. It becoming stronger and stronger as you feed it exactly the right mixture of anger and fury. It has nowhere to go. Becoming stuck inside your being swelling and spinning causing panic. The tears may help. The tears allow the levy not to break. Releasing the pressure little by little until you find that the storm is gone. Be careful of the eye of the storm. Know that it is there and the dirty side of this emotional storm is yet to come. Making it through the storm is an accomplishment. This takes time and there is no limit for personal growth. Just be careful as to not follow the storm. Let it pass.
For you my friend....R U LISTENING?
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