It takes a few days for me to go over my thoughts about what I have written and where I would like to go from here. How does this make me a better person? What did I learn and take from the experience? I am here to learn about me and figure it all out. So far I see that from the beginning I was a frail person that wore her feelings on her sleeve. Having learned how to cover those pains became tiring and I obviously needed more to hide from the feelings I didn't know how to feel.
That led me on the path to using drugs. Once on that road I completely lost track of myself. I no longer had that...that thing that others have...that...for lack of a better word... inner voice telling me that it is wrong. I couldn't stop. The train had left the station,destination unknown. What started as a party train full of fun times and many people, slowly but surely one by one people got of at there stops for various reasons I wasn't concerned about. The only people boarding this train to nowhere were stowaways. Refusing to get off I found myself alone in the end, long way from home and not knowing how to get back. Help was offered to me all the way. Hands put out for comfort along the way. Using those times to recover just long enough to get back out there, left the friends I did have feeling used and....well... done.
Irresponsible comes to mind when I look at this. Did I ever take responsibility for my irresponsibility? Absolutely not! Was I capable of doing so at the time? Yes! Maybe just maybe this is what left me living life in denial and moving over to food instead of drugs. I never finished what I started. Replaced it is all I did. Again. I am getting too far ahead of myself right now. So much more to write about before I even get close to removing myself from a life on drugs.
Time line from where I left off is pretty much getting close to the end. About one year left of full swing drug use. Escalated risks. Hard to believe so much could be packed in one year. My train was moving fast and was about to derail. Trouble was on the horizon and there was no way for me to avoid it.
Did I ever consider that I needed help? No. Help? Was there help for what I was doing? How could I have? Half the time I had no idea how to deal with anything other than to medicate myself in some way. It all boils down to me being completely blinded by my addiction. Decisions I made in those days were not made by a person in her right mind.
Carrying this load with me for many years after the drugs were long gone has put me here today. Wondering...Pondering...Begging for that answer.
