Well the work week has drawn to a close. I am grateful. I will sleep in tomorrow. When I decide to get up I will cook a great breakfast..I am thinking french toast and pan sausage and some fresh fruit. mmmm... that sounds yummy. I think it is going to be kinda crummy out on Saturday but that is ok I have lots to do inside until it clears. Nothing will be rushed. There will be no deadlines,no wondering "Where the money is?" that I hear all day every day at work. We don't have any money so that worry is gone and I don't need money for what I plan on doing this weekend.
I am becoming my own person this year. Not just "his wife" or "their mother". Boy is it going to be hard for me to step out of those roles just for long enough to see who I am and who I want to be. I am such a people pleaser and have for soo long not ever strayed from that role. It has it's faults. One of them being, you lose yourself. What one needs to keep the fires fueled. You become a robot just doing only for others day after day. Not ever looking that you haven't washed your hair or bought one single thing (just for you) in years. All of a sudden when that people pleaser role is threatened and pulled away you are left standing there with a whole lot of nothing. You question your entire purpose in this life you live.
Believe me I have not figured it all out yet but I am well on my way. For the first time in my life I feel like I have something to say and don't worry about anyones opinion of it,whatever"IT" may be. Who cares? If I don't somehow gain control of just this one person in the world and make the changes necessary then I will be an unhappy person for years to come.
CHANGES.. What does that mean? I don't know. I use that word a lot and I still don't really know exactly what needs to changes. I mean I have figured a few things out and so far those few things have made my quality of life so much better. The first thing I did was to make sure that I became healthy. I have dieted for sooo many years I bet I have lost 1000 lbs. I never really got it. I finally decided to never diet again,ever. So I haven't I have chosen to eat healthy foods and put away forever the foods that brought me down. Goodbye Dr.Pepper! First thing to go and I just kept on and on replacing old unhealthy foods with fresh foods that make my energy level soar. No more 10 lb bags if sugar going through my house at a alarming rate. I have done it and my family have accepted it as this is now it. This is dinner. Eat it or not.
Because of these small yet extreme changes I have made in my life I have been able to shed a person already . 70 pounds. Well a child. That 70 pounds to me means so much more than the #.
I hated those pounds. I drug myself around hurting with every step I took. I hated my reflection. I thought nonstop about how to get out of that body. Would not go outside. Could not participate in my life. It was going on all around me and I was merely a spectator. My body would not allow me to move quick enough to catch up to all the things going on around me. I was not that person, I knew I was not ,but why was I in there. I was in a fat suit and couldn't get out. Can somebody please unzip me? I found out the hard way that I was that somebody. How many years have I given away to that body? Well, no more! I will fight every bit of it off and live with confidence and conviction as I have to start fresh. As I already have.
Can I with writing about and keeping open lines of communication with my family continue on this path I am on. I have great faith that I can. I can't ever go back there. I lost myself. I am going to make myself more and more aware daily about what it means to be a healthier person. I can diet your ass off, but living a healthy and clean life is something new I have to learn about. I am eager for info. I feel like a sponge absorbing all the info I can on the subject. Health101 that's me sitting at the desk of life trying to reach goals I never thought were possible.
It is time for me to go for the weekend. I'll be back on Monday. I don't know who I am talking to. Maybe noone. Maybe I am talking simply to this blog and if you happen to peek in then, Welcome.
