I am at a point in this blog about my past where it all becomes a blur. I don't know what to talk about specifically. It would seem as if I were very scattered and all over the years. I am not sure how to categorize it all. Where I left I was 15 and so confused. I have so much more to tell but I want to make sure as I do explore these areas that I am not being totally gratuitous. Just flapping my gums or claiming bragging rights about "look at where I have been." I have heard all of these before. I have straight out been called a liar about my past. It was too far fetched for the average person to fathom. So.. I don't know yet.
I want to say that through it all, I wanted to be good. I did not always want to make the lousy choices I did. I had bouts of behavior that was becoming of a lady. I tried to see the light of day many times and just couldn't seem to stay there. I remember when I was younger lying in bed at night praying so hard for forgiveness, making promises I wouldn't keep. Promises that had strings attached. Begging for mercy. Spare me from trouble, spare me from being caught, spare me from being pregnant. For a long time in my life God did answer my prayers. A lot of that started to change when I just forgot to ask and didn't live up to my word. I was made responsible for my actions.
I was 19 and out of school working the drive through at Wendy's with no plans of going to college. I blew all my opportunities that came my way. I was working and playing and that was my life. I did at that age start going to a weight loss clinic. I was so overweight and needed to do something. I was diligent I kept true to this program and the weight started coming off. I was a power walker. Ended up losing about 100 pounds. I stopped drinking. Drugs? Not so much. They didn't have calories. I was functional though.
I think my entire goal was to lose the weight so I could get a boyfriend. I had never had a true boyfriend. All the experience I had with boys were all hidden and not talked about in the open. I learned real quick how that worked. Hardened my heart to it. I wanted love and knew the only way I would find it was to get in shape. I had my eye on someone and just knew if I lost it we would fall in love and live happily ever after. Nope, I was skinny and used again. I was so in love with him and he was not with me. I was left standing empty handed with a shredded heart. Embarrassed and ashamed from the rejection I didn't know where to turn so I spent a lot of time punishing myself with more empty relationships. Risky relationships. Immediately following that failed relationship, I found another I could not have. Can't even talk about it really. Lips sealed heart torn.
I got a job in a factory and was making bed springs for your mattress. I was a horrible job but as always I tried to make the best of it. I partied all might and worked all day. Until one day I was joking around with some coworkers and they dared me to go out with a guy there. He was a forklift driver. Totally not my type but I am always up for a bet. He was not very good looking and that is all I knew. So, we went on that date and it changed my life forever. I had found my first love and the times we had together taught me how not to destroy myself. To respect myself and be a better person all around. It seemed like things had come together for me. I was growing up. What could go wrong?
I am going to stop here because I think Pete deserves his own day. I will elaborate on this the next time I come here. I need to think about it and not step on toes with what I write. A turning point in my life. Stay tuned.
