I have been in pretty good spirits this week. Just ticking along. Weighed this morning and it looks like 75 lbs. I am very excited about this. It is hard to believe though. When I went to look for something in my hall closet and came across a stack of scrubs size 4x and remembering how absolutely miserable I felt in them. I contribute a lot of my weight loss to the change in jobs. I had a high stress job that revolved around everyone eating when there was a spare minute. Those scrubs were in the beginnings of not fitting me anymore when I left there. I was desperate, I knew I would not be able to do "this" there. I keep waiting for someone to pull the rug out from under me. Still very unsure if "this" is the real deal. After all the questioning I usually sit there for a minute and come to the conclusion that "this" is of my making. I made these choices. I made these changes. I allowed myself to be open to it and soon after telling myself this I am up and on my way to live life a few more days without the fear of the "rug puller."
I think I have read my last blog about 5 times and each time I do I get the same feeling. Wow...how real,how true. All of it. It most likely rings so much more true to me than anyone because I was there ...it was me. Young and vulnerable. But was it enough to cause that deep of emotional damage for me to abuse food? I don't know. Yet. Still searching, and you know what? In the end if I come up with nothing , no reason, no light bulb moment. I think I will be ok with that. I just need to do an inventory check to see what's in there that maybe is hiding out too scared to come out.
Like I said before I have been there. I have so been through many things and want to go straight to it, but if I did it would merely be story telling. I am on a hunt for some answers. Let me start today where I left off. I was done with the six grade and obviously feeling the clinch of being an outsider.
I did meet a girl who lived by me in the country. She was super tall for her age and very skinny. We made quite the pair. Laurel and Hardy,if you will. I spent tons of time with her. We were best friends and both so weird in our own ways. She was teased for the exact opposite reason I was. Boy, it is hard to please people.
Going into the 7th grade I will reiiterate that I was already angry and defensive and had a very poor attitude about school. I took most of it out on my teachers. So rude to all of them. Smart mouth all the way. I definately started at that age to struggle with grades and see a decline in my effort. There was none. Nothing going on at home though. No parents fighting or huge drama. I truly think I was just hurt by my weight. I can't really remember anything important about this grade. I was a dork. Oh yeah I do remember Mr. Keil he had a desk in the front of his class that was called the hot seat. If you were bad he would make you sit in it. Well I was bad and had to go sit in the hot seat. Only problem is the desk was about half the size of a regular desk. I already was pushing the limits on a regular desk so trying to squish my body in that little tiny wooden desk was close to impossible. What was I thinking? Could I not control myself for just his class at least just to avoid the freaking hot seat. I was my own worst enemy.Oh, how I remember that desk. Humiliating and only fed the fire I had inside. Ugh!
Moving on, at the end of that year my mom had a party at our house, one of those interior home parties. She invited a bunch of ladies from work and church. All went well. She goes back to work on Monday and one of her coworkers asks her..."Linda, I didn't know Kim is pregnant." Kim is my 16 year old older sister. My mom was like "she's not." Having it on her mind that evening got to looking at her 16 year old and lo and behold she is pregnant...6 MONTHS. Well that was a shock to everyone and it blew everything out of whack for a good while. They had to tend to this and I was left to do mmmm well, whatever.
Looking back now I do see how that changed our entire family forever. We had a baby in the house and she was very pretty. Very spoiled by all who came in touch with her. Her name is Amanda Nichole. I was never jealous, I loved her along with everyone else . I think what happened unintentionally is that I was looked over. I was left to take care of myself. I thought at the time it was all ok. I didn't do a very good job of it. I was still sloppy and not always clean the way I should have been. You couldn't tell I came from an upper middle class family. Nobody at home ever really noticed. My dad was working his tail off commuting to Houston daily and my mother also work fulltime , helped Kim with Amanda doing most everything as I would if my teenager got pregnant. Is there anyone to blame? I don't think so. It is life throwing punches. While some ducked I got hit. It mostly comes down to weight, hygiene and attitude. Those were the things I was lacking in. That was enough to label me in school though.
I am writing about Amanda not really wanting to because I love her and would not want her to think she is the reason I did the things I did. I'm not just fat people. I put my parents through total hell and I will go there when it is time but for today I want to set the stage and let you know why my parents weren't paying close attention to there youngest who was always a good girl. People pleaser from birth. It starts getting bad pretty quick after the 8th grade. In fact that summer was it, the ball was rolling ...
It is Friday and I am going home for the weekend. Have a good one all my friends and followers. I thank you for coming in here to be a part of my personal journey. You are all welcome. Much love. Tune in next week for the next episode of ....just kidding.
