Thinking about my past and the things I am reluctant to put down have held me back from moving forward with this blog. Too many questions in my head. Will I be judged? Do I really need to tell this story? Parts of me are pulling against each other, fully knowing it is most likely all in my head. Holding me back as always. Making me think less of myself than I should. I can tell just in the past month as I have not blogged very much how I am starting to do things differently than I was. My feelings out in this room did help me to stay out of my head and the sickness that lies there. I have lived in this life for such a long time that being different and squeezing out the puss that infected my soul is not exactly pleasant. My past is my present. There is work to be done.
June 16 2009
I was looking through my posts and found this draft. This one paragraph that was written a while back but is telling none the less. I didn't even finish or post it. It was me fearing moving on with the chronological order of my life. Fear of being judged. Fear of being the one judging others in this room that have had an impact on my life. Do I do it? I don't know yet. I want to. I want to write it out and let you mull over it. See the betrayal and abandonment. For what reason I want you to see it I am not sure. That is where I need to be very sure of my intentions before I do. Will it make me a better person? Will I learn anything from documenting my marriage and motherhood? Could. I am thinking. This may happen. Little bits at a time. My blog will not be based upon revenge or resentment. No one need get hurt from this. It is a healing process.
There has to be a way to do it and maintain that I love my family and do not feel like a victim to my marriage. Supportive and consoling. Everyone has issues. Some are worse than others. We dont get to pick the hand that is dealt to us. We can fold or play it out. What am I going to do?
Something to ponder
