HELL, FIRE, AND BRIMSTONE

Reaching a place in my life where I am feeling a heck of a lot better, but still have a ways to go. I get pulled like a tug-of-war between telling myself to "do more! do more!" and "just take it easy" you are in a good place. It would be easier to just take it easy. I try to convince myself of this until I see a picture of myself and realize I need to snap out of it, there is work to do. Those same ole lies. My mind tells me over and over again. It has been like this for a long time. I can not trust myself. I am realistic though and there is no denying pictures. The proof is in the pudding. I am can pick myself apart. I should back off a bit I am sure. I can't seem to. The fear of getting stuck back in that fat suit I wore for so long has me running scared.

Not being like so many others in this world who don't have to over think the "right" decision to make. I am constantly tugging against the reasonable side of me and wanting to take the easy way out. It is in my blood. It is part of my past. I can be my own worst enemy,in fact I know that I am. Never being able to not over think situations. I can be very pessimistic. Things don't usually go the way I would like them to. I have learned to deal with that for the most part. Having said that, it doesn't mean I have to like it. I don't like it a lot of the times. I see others and somehow they seem like there life is happier than my life. Didn't make all the wrong choices. Didn't torture themselves for things outside of there control. Of course I am looking at there life in a picture. One glimpse that makes me think things like my house isn't as clean or they look like they have more wealth and health. The spiritual well being of others seems to be more intact than me. I fight that a lot.

Being a Christian is not the easiest thing to be for me. For me it carries a lot of weight. I am supposed to be this way or that. What if I am not those things. Do I still fit the bill? I don't pray as much or as well as others. I don't go to church as often as I should. If for my children only. In fact I have just about every excuse in this world as to why I couldn't make it this Sunday or that. Wanting to do the right thing is a lot easier than actually doing it. Why should there be guilt on my shoulders when I enter a church? I live a decent life. I love my family and take good care of them. Is there resentment? I have come to believe that church itself is not why I am the person I am. I have come to feel like I really don't like to go to church. Am I a heathen? That is the Baptist in me coming out. I would like to become more spiritual. I think it is a good thing to feel bonded and covered by God. How can I get that info without going to church? I know of no other way. It is the way I was raised. It is the beliefs of my parents and there parents.

Growing up in a Southern Baptist home I was told in no uncertain terms that you were not to drink, you were not to smoke, you were not to dance. I do all of those things and have a great time doing them. Although I still carry that message with me in the back of my head that I am doing something wrong. Does this guilt come from a place of me being a Christian or from me being a Baptist? I guess that is something I need to figure out.

All I do know is that I can't do this myself. My husband can't do it for me. All the kind words in the world don't make me capable of letting all of this go. I have to do it, but I can't do it alone. When I try I drag heavily along. Making the decision to hand it over i find hard. How much will I change? Will I become this different person that only wants to gush of God and the the greatness of it. Not sure about that. I have never been that person and parts of the character that God Himself gave me are nothing like that. Although I never leave it in His hands for long before becoming impatient and selfishly snatching it back.

Like I have said many times before. I am my own worst enemy. This seems like a good start at least. I feel like maybe I have opened up a bit. May the walls continue to crumble.