Somehow feeling a load has been lifted off of me. Searching for the weight that gives me the words to come here and release. That weight is becoming less and less. This is a good thing. Feeling lighter, less trouble brewing in my heart. This battle with myself I already know will be ongoing. Forging through day to day, fighting off the enemy...myself. Having covered so much ground with this journey I am on. Life opens itself up to me a little, more and more each day. Where are the words to move forward? I rarely have to think about them. Seems they pour out when the time is right. What was my next step in life? Where did I go from here? Drugs seem such a distant memory that has burned fresh in my mind lately in order to ....try... try and find answers. Answers that I didn't really know there were question for. Not until 9 months ago when that damn rug puller showed up in my life and jerked with all its might. Cracking the very foundation I was on. Forced to get a new rug. I want to keep it planted firmly on my newly repaired foundation.
This is where I am left. How did I get here? Standing dumbfounded. Was my life just a cruel joke that I wasn't a part of? Did I miss something? Do I have no say so in the goings on around me? At that point being so alone and having to listen to the inner workings of my very complex brain I absolutely was at a loss. Had no answers. Had no excuses for what I had done to myself. Something had to give. It all started with me. There was no one to blame and even if I did place blame, it would not have changed the enormity of the situation.
Where could I find these answers I needed? This is not my forte' as you well can tell by now. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that I have not been the best at changing myself. Advice to others I always had plenty of. Advice from others I always heard plenty of. Applying to my life for the betterment of me was the tricky part. How does one do that? I still do not know. All that I have changed thus far in my life has come from a place in me that only God can pull from. Coming here and pouring out all of this information becomes somewhat tricky and complicated. Very humbling. Who likes the feeling of vulnerability? Not exactly a comfortable place to be. I chose to air all of my dirty laundry on the Internet open for anyone to read, judge, draw opinions,come to conclusions about my life. Tired of caring what others think of me. This seems the perfect format for me to be brave enough to spill the beans.
So many fears remain. Will this last? Will I be able to follow through? Fears of more suffering, more heartache, more self-destruction. When reading over my post I am left thinking wow you sound depressed. That is not a word I would use to describe myself. Determined..yes. Skeptical...of course. Tired of the same result? absolutely.. This is why I am here.
Something in me for years has been calling me to write it all down. Write it down. I never would or never could. Lacking the confidence to put pen to paper. Thinking about it, I was never ready to put it all down. If I had done so before this very moment in my life it would have been all wrong. Completely gratuitous in every way.Things happen for a reason and looking at my life in this light has shed this shadow of understanding about the sickness and turmoil I was in, not the eternal party I thought I was having. So I have held off writing it down,fearing nothing would come from it. I was wrong. Using this format as a platform to stand on and scream my insecurities and failures has allowed me to morph into that woman that I knew I could be. Strong. Determined. Heard. For those in my life that are not used to that type of person. This may pose some problems. To be seen.
Continuing on in my journey I am going to start in my next post. Just a recap. Recently out of treatment and working towards becoming a functional member of society. I am looking at one year in. One year sober. Again my fathers birthday. July 27.1995. It was that day in particular that I was to meet my future husband. I promised myself to wait a year to get into a relationship and on the day of my one year anniversary with sobriety, I was to meet this man. Ironic?Destiny?Fate?hmmmm...I don't know but for whatever reason this happened it was certainly to be a test of who I was and what I stood for.
No comments:
Post a Comment