Let's go...
Close your eyes and imagine me trying my hardest to be a good person. New to this world I was trying to fit into. Regaining trust from family and friends. Drugs were no longer an option for me all I wanted was to live a normal life. Coming into my own, if you will. Happy and free to do as I chose for my future. I really wanted this,more than anything in this world. Family was so important to me and making sure I made decisions that would not interrupt this was crucial.
Making it for an entire year without any problems or relapses was something I was very proud of. I felt like I was on top of my game. When I met Jeff little did he know I was ready to be married and have my own family. From the moment we met, it was on. My attraction for him was undeniable. Wanting to spend all my time with him. Our relationship moved fast and furiously. We met on July 27,1995 I remember this date because I was in a narcotics anonymous meeting picking up my one year chip and he was in town visiting a mutual friend. Went to coffee that night with a group of people. I can't speak for him but I was interested. Within a month he had moved back to Brenham and I was seeing him more and more often. Finally we went on a date. I remember talking my head off. Nonstop. Probably nervous.
From that day on we were inseparable. I was so in love with this man. He was so caring and loving. We could laugh,I could be as silly as I wanted without feeling embarrassed and he seemed to think my quirky warped personality was ok. The chemistry was undeniable. When we had to go to work it was torture. Waiting for the minutes to pass until we could see each other again. Having never felt this comfortable around a man in my life I knew this was it. He was the man that I needed to marry. Living out the rest of my days on this earth with him was what I wanted to do.
He had a little more baggage than me. If that is at all possible. He had been married before and from that marriage came a child. She lived with her mother, and in another state at that. These things did not bother me in the least. He would talk to her on the phone and had made attempts to raise her at times finding it very hard to be a single dad. Working hours that were not flexible and sometimes long he was always forced to have her go back to her mother. He expressed to me his desire to raise her and asked if I would be willing to help. I knew nothing about his daughter other than the fact that she was 3. He spoke more about not wanting her to be with her mother as she was not in a good place there. Did not elaborate. My heart was open to it. How hard could it be?I was in love with him and would at that point do anything for him.
Within 3 months of dating we were engaged and I was all excited. My mother and I were planning the wedding. This was a good time for me. We were doing it all. From the food and decorations to the cakes. My mother was fabulous at planning parties and with her guidance and my elbow grease I knew we could make this event unforgettable. We were on a time crunch. The wedding was set for Feb.10,1996.
That Thanksgiving I was invited to go with Jeff to a family reunion to meet his parents who did not live in Texas. During this same road trip we were to leave Texas and head to Colorado where his daughter was living. She was coming to live with him. We were packing her things and this was it. We were going to be a family soon.
From that moment, the moment we picked her up I could tell something was wrong. This child was one of the most beautiful children I had ever laid my eyes on. She was of perfect size, had these big brown eyes with long dark eyelashes. Her hair was golden blond and was cut in a bob with big chunky bangs. Everything about her physically was perfect. She was bright, had a very good vocabulary for someone who had just turned 4. Loved her daddy. Was not the least bit concerned about leaving her mother behind. Not a second thought crossed her mind as we loaded her into that truck with all her toys and clothes and headed back to Texas. My instant family had formed in front of my eyes. I was ecstatic. I could do this. I would be a good mother and wife and help him take care of her. I had been left in the dark about a few details.
One of the first things I noticed about her was that she did not do well with being TOLD to do anything. She did it on her own time and daddy was A-OK with this. Not a problem with a little training, she is only 4 these things should be easy to adjust. My first feeling of being uncomfortable around her came on the road trip back. She wasn't really having much to do with me and was all about Daddy. That's ok. I completely understand that and was not even having thoughts of .....what....jealousy maybe. I wasn't, I mean, this is his baby. She however saw me as a threat right away and was able to, in all her toddlerness, make me fully aware that I was not welcome in her world. For example....and this happened a lot when she would crawl into his arms for a hug she would find me, where ever I was in the vicinity and she would stare at me directly in the eyes with this look. I can still see the look. It was piercing and purposeful. She wanted me to be jealous. I would try and ease her tension by changing the subject and move about but where ever I moved so did her glare. I would look back to find the same stare.A little unnerving as I had been around my nieces and had never seem them the least bit interested in anything but the hug they got. This was not just a hug. This was intimidation. Yes I am talking about a 4 year old.
On our first night in a motel together ,we were in New Mexico and Jeff and Karrissa slept in one bed and I slept in the other. I remember this part as clear as day and don't want to write it down but it is really the first truly disturbing thing I witnessed from her. We were all in the room getting wound down for the evening, I was in one bed and Jeff and Karrissa were on the other. Out of nowhere she tried to kiss Jeff. Full on the mouth kiss. I was shocked but not as shocked as Jeff was. It was an awkward moment and somewhere right there in that second I knew that she had seen too much in her life. It broke my heart. Cried myself to sleep. During the middle of the night I woke up and find her standing in front of me, staring at me. I kinda stirred and asked what it was that she needed. She grabbed the pillow my head was laying on and yank it out and took it with her back to their bed. It was no big deal just a little bizarre because it was around 3 in the morning.
The next day we made it to the family reunion and I quickly realized this child was spoiled rotten by everyone around her.This made for a very long weekend as all of these people were strangers to me, but Jeff had pretty much put her in my care for the weekend, so he could visit with family. I was a bit limited with what I could do so basically I was just a bodyguard all weekend following her around. When I did try and stop her from doing something that I didn't see fit I was ignored. On one occasion I tried to get her to come down from where she was and she looked me straight in the face and called me a hoochie.
At this time I really don't think I was upset by anything that was going on. I knew she had been tossed around too much in her short little life and was insecure. Being completely understanding of this I never found it necessary to bring it up.
Over the next 3 months Karrissa lived with Jeff in his apartment and I lived in my house. It would remain this way until the marriage. She had a babysitter during the day and we would often get reports of bad behavior. Nothing was ever done about it. She was such a cute kid and for the most part, having never been a mother, I just let a lot of it go as Jeff should be picking up the pieces. We were not married. Yet, and it really wasn't my place to discipline her.
I don't really know where I am going with this. It has taken me a week to write this one. I keep saving and going back to reread. Mostly through this time things were good. It did put a strain on our relationship but that was so minor. I fully expected it to be different once she arrived. Attention had to be redirected. It is what was right. Coming to this point in my life I am very weary about writing about it. I do think a lot of things happened though that I need to work through in order to see my future more clearly. I am going to do this. It sucks right now.
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