EVERY SILVER LINING HAS ITS CLOUD

From the beginning of my relationship with Pete, I was different. I had slipped into that person I knew I was supposed to be. Wanted to be. I had completely stopped doing drugs period and was no longer smoking cigarettes. We drank only in social situations. He was a cowboy, a real cowboy. He owned horses and cows, was active in team roping. Going from rodeo to rodeo. I was treated so kindly by him and we were in love. Around all new people, none of which even knew what drugs looked like. I was different. I never dressed like the other girls who wore there boots and jeans. I still had that edgy rock style that was liking my new found body.

My family loved him and we spent a lot of time with my parents just hanging with them. I had changed my life and was loving it. We were able to laugh and love and spend all our time together without any problems. It didn't take long before we knew we were meant for each other. He asked me to marry him and we were happily engaged. I had become a social person with lots of new friends. I could hardly remember all of the pain and suffering I had just recently left behind.

Then, we found out that I was pregnant. We both did not know what to do. I am not sure why because I was already planning our wedding and this should have just sped things up. We definitely handled it all wrong. Kept the news to ourselves afraid of what our parents would think about it. I did go to the doctor and kept my monthly appointments. I was excited about it but for whatever reason around others we were in denial not telling a soul. About 3 months into the pregnancy our coworkers began to notice the weight gain and the buzz was out.People were talking. We still did not confirm this with anyone but ourselves. So immature.

On my 4th month checkup with my doctor I went in and went through the normal exam but something was different. The nurses were quiet and went in and out. I was sent to receive a sonogram and remember how the man doing it would not speak to me, having the screen turned away from me. I knew something was wrong. I had Pete waiting out in the truck for me that day as being seen together in the gyno office would alert enquiring minds in our small town. My next stop was the doctors private office where he notified me our baby was dead. I think I crumbled into a million pieces that moment, all alone in that office. Now what? Well the procedure was going to be an E&C. Whatever that means, I know the first word stood for evacuation. But the catch was it was a holiday weekend Presidents Day which happens to fall right around Valentines Day. I was told I would carry my dead fetus around inside of me for about 5 more days before the procedure could be done. I was a bridesmaid in a wedding that weekend! I was a wreck. We still did not tell my parents or his about what was happening. We were both in shock and mostly didn't talk about it. I was a robot the entire weekend.

Going to the hospital and checking in by myself I can't even remember. I was in a daze and had told Pete to go to work that I would be OK. The next thing I remember I was done and laying in a room by myself waiting to be released. No more baby, and it all hit me. All the emotions came rushing in on me and I was alone. The loneliness was overwhelming and I was more sad at that moment than ever in my life. Why was I alone? I picked up the phone and called my mother who was at work and when she answered I just sat there crying. I couldn't talk I think I was able to get the words hospital out and she flew into a panic. Thinking I was in a wreck. No Mom not a wreck. I was a wreck but not in one. Of course she came straight over tho the hospital and comforted me. That was it, it was done. I recovered at home and now everyone knew. I had to tell my boss and everyone there knew also.

Looking back at that it changed me. It hurt me but I did what I always had done. Didn't talk about the pain I started partying. We picked up the pace on our drinking and distinctly remember, that is when the fighting started. We were not in a good place. I lost a piece of me that day and didn't know how to recover. Anger was what it came out as. Lashing out in drunken fits at the nicest guy I had known. Leaving the factory was soon to follow. I was going to beauty school. My parents paid in full and I was on my way to a real career. I took a part time job in a grocery store deli. I postponed the wedding, stating I needed more time to plan.

Within a short while of being away from the factory, where we both worked, I found that I was obviously attractive to other men. This was new to me. I had lost and kept off a large amount of weight but that didn't mean my brain knew it. I, of course, didn't know how to handle all this attention that was being paid me by other men. Well in true fashion of a girl with low to no self esteem and writhing in pain I acted out. I was cheating on my fiance. Not a relationship, just cheating. I knew at times he must have known, things changed dramatically between us and I was the main source of all the destruction again. I was tearing my life apart. I couldn't see it for sure. I was having fun and thought I was missing out on loads of fun to be had. I started partying without him going to night clubs and getting wasted. The end was nearing....

I did break it off with him. I needed time to figure things out I think was my reason. So off I went into this world I had never been. I was young and beautiful and careless with my self at best. I stopped showing up to school for more than a few hours at a time. I again was partying all night and sleeping all day. Back on drugs in no time flat. Pete and I would still talk but I called all the shots and would hold nothing back. I hurt him so badly. I remember his eyes. I remember the pain in them. All he wanted was his girl back but little did he know I was too far gone to ever come back. I held on to him for my own selfish reasons. I needed to feel that love he had. Like I mattered to him.

One night in June I had a party at my parents house while they were away for the weekend and it was out of control. I don't know how many people were there rifling through my parents things disrespecting all of there belongings. I got a phone call and it was Pete. He wanted to talk to me about something. Well, I didn't have time for that. We were partying and he was being a downer so I quickly ended the call and went about my life. Not thinking about him or the call again.

About three days later I was at Cindy's house and went to take a shower around 5:30p.m. to get ready for the night. I wore and never took off, this one necklace it was a simple leather strap with wire wrapped around a crystal. Loved it. Kinda believed it. You know the whole new age thing. While in the shower the crystal fell from the thin wire it was wrapped in and cracked in half on the floor of the shower. I was instantly alerted and upset I showed it to Cindy and remember her saying that it means someone died. We just kinda looked at each other and that was it.

Not until the next day while sleeping in Cindy's bed did I get a phone call from another girlfriend that Pete had been in a car accident on his way home from work the day before. He hadn't made it. What? Pete was dead! Pete was dead! Pete was dead???? Couldn't be, I wasn't understanding what I was hearing.

All was a blur after that. I remember the funeral. I remember how my once vibrant fiance was lying there cold and gray. No life, no smile, nothing. I remember the sound of his mothers voice screaming his name in pain over and over again in the church. I remember the overlall sadness that covered that church like a wet cloth. I put a picture of us in his coffin. I can still see that picture in my head today. Of days that were good. We both had life and love in our eyes. How could he be in there now. This man was so amazing in every way. The people he had that loved him. I didn't have that. I had to leach off of him to feel that kind of happiness and friendship. I think I died too that day.

I ran hard and fast from that pain and it was many more years to come before I ever even dealt with the fact that he was dead. I prolonged the pain and suffering in my life over the death of our unborn child followed quickly by the death of him. It all gets dark after this day....I moved into unknown territory by most. I left everyone that loved me and tried unknowingly to make myself suffer for pain I didn't know what else to do with. The lingering question constantly on my mind. What did he want to talk to me about that night I blew him off? It was important I know. Why couldn't I have taken that call and if I had would things be different now? I was in hell. I had to escape and the only way I knew how to escape from anything was to take more drugs.

Goodbye Pete you sweet, sweet man. I will see you in Heaven one day I know. You and our unborn child .

Everything happens for a reason.?!

WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH THAT?

I am at a point in this blog about my past where it all becomes a blur. I don't know what to talk about specifically. It would seem as if I were very scattered and all over the years. I am not sure how to categorize it all. Where I left I was 15 and so confused. I have so much more to tell but I want to make sure as I do explore these areas that I am not being totally gratuitous. Just flapping my gums or claiming bragging rights about "look at where I have been." I have heard all of these before. I have straight out been called a liar about my past. It was too far fetched for the average person to fathom. So.. I don't know yet.

I want to say that through it all, I wanted to be good. I did not always want to make the lousy choices I did. I had bouts of behavior that was becoming of a lady. I tried to see the light of day many times and just couldn't seem to stay there. I remember when I was younger lying in bed at night praying so hard for forgiveness, making promises I wouldn't keep. Promises that had strings attached. Begging for mercy. Spare me from trouble, spare me from being caught, spare me from being pregnant. For a long time in my life God did answer my prayers. A lot of that started to change when I just forgot to ask and didn't live up to my word. I was made responsible for my actions.

I was 19 and out of school working the drive through at Wendy's with no plans of going to college. I blew all my opportunities that came my way. I was working and playing and that was my life. I did at that age start going to a weight loss clinic. I was so overweight and needed to do something. I was diligent I kept true to this program and the weight started coming off. I was a power walker. Ended up losing about 100 pounds. I stopped drinking. Drugs? Not so much. They didn't have calories. I was functional though.


I think my entire goal was to lose the weight so I could get a boyfriend. I had never had a true boyfriend. All the experience I had with boys were all hidden and not talked about in the open. I learned real quick how that worked. Hardened my heart to it. I wanted love and knew the only way I would find it was to get in shape. I had my eye on someone and just knew if I lost it we would fall in love and live happily ever after. Nope, I was skinny and used again. I was so in love with him and he was not with me. I was left standing empty handed with a shredded heart. Embarrassed and ashamed from the rejection I didn't know where to turn so I spent a lot of time punishing myself with more empty relationships. Risky relationships. Immediately following that failed relationship, I found another I could not have. Can't even talk about it really. Lips sealed heart torn.


I got a job in a factory and was making bed springs for your mattress. I was a horrible job but as always I tried to make the best of it. I partied all might and worked all day. Until one day I was joking around with some coworkers and they dared me to go out with a guy there. He was a forklift driver. Totally not my type but I am always up for a bet. He was not very good looking and that is all I knew. So, we went on that date and it changed my life forever. I had found my first love and the times we had together taught me how not to destroy myself. To respect myself and be a better person all around. It seemed like things had come together for me. I was growing up. What could go wrong?

I am going to stop here because I think Pete deserves his own day. I will elaborate on this the next time I come here. I need to think about it and not step on toes with what I write. A turning point in my life. Stay tuned.

GOODBYE MAMAS BATHROOM

Last night as I lay in bed there was one specific incident that happened when I was around 15 that was sticking in my mind. I have always avoided this topic throughout my life acting as if it had never happened and well maybe I need to scream it out. Let it go and forgive myself for it.

I was around 15 and had skipped school ,I remember it was a Wednesday. I went with some friends and we drove to Bryan with about a dollar in our pockets. We didn't skip all day for whatever reason. We ended up back in school that day and I was quickly called to the principals office. They informed me that I had skipped and of course I tried my best to get out of it. They weren't buying it. My punishment was going to be d-hall, which was fine. What wasn't going to work was that they were going to call my parents. I remember begging them not to call them. Please don't call them! They are going to kill me! Of course they were obligated to do so.

I was in total distress over this fact and just knew that it was over. I was so scared and overwhelmed by what was going to be at home once I got there. I could not rationalize anything. I thought for sure that the answer to my problem that day was to die.

After getting home that day I went into my mamas bathroom and sat there crying about what I knew I had to do. I couldn't quite figure out how I was going to do this but two things came to mind. I could either cut my wrists or overdose on pills. I was only 15. I am a mother now and as I am writing this I can only think of my own children and how easy it must be for them to get overwhelmed with life as I did. It scares me to death. OK...moving on .. I drew a bath and sat there for a long time deciding that cutting my arms was not an option for me, I crawled out of the bath, opened my parents medicine cabinet and, started taking pills. I don't have a clue what I took or how much. I knew they were prescriptions and thought this would do it. Climbing back into the tub I had a come to Jesus meeting and was ready to go. Don't know how long I lay there,long enough to realize I didn't really want to die. Life was not so bad after all and I would need to accept my punishment.

Shoving my finger down my throat was about the most excruciating thing I had ever done. Bulimic, I am not. The pills did come out , as I was in the middle of forcing them out, there came a knock at the bathroom door. My dad was home!Early! Asking what I was doing.
Of course I lied and I began to cry and could not stop. I was sobbing for the guilt and the emotional pain that I had been living with but could not comprehend at that age. I was alive and knew I would never ever try to do that ever again.

The tears continued to sting my eyes for the remainder of the night,as I talked with my parents about me skipping school and we all went to the Wednesday night prayer meeting at my church in Chappell Hill which at the time was held in the museum. Sitting in a circle with gas heaters all around us I cried and nobody bothered me as I was not going to ever tell anyone what I had just done that day. It was between me and Jesus.

I kept it inside and I have never really told this entire story. I have looked at it privately and been grateful for my choices that day. The people I wouldn't have in my life. My children would not be in this world today. I would not have been able to experience my life as I know it, everything I am going through right now.

Teenage suicide,it makes me wonder when I know about kids that have done it I wonder if there reason was just as insignificant as mine. I was going to kill myself over skipping school. The experience humbled me in a way that I knew I was important enough ,that day, to be here in this world ,I had more to do. Years have passed since then and I tortured myself for many more. Although I never purposefully tried to kill myself again I did live a life that had no guarantee of the next minute. I lived in risky behavior,barely treading water most of the time.

I am grateful today for my life. I cherish the time I have with family and friends. I have slowly learned to treat myself like I am something to treasure. Feeling as though I don't really want to publish this post today. Is it too much info? Probably not for anyone who will read it. For me it is sensitive material. It somehow exposes me as the weak and hurt person I was. Well, I started this blog to do exactly that. I need to strip it down, look at it, let things go, gather up the good things and strap on for more in life to come. It just keeps coming. I am alive and in love and I know today that the plan for me was set all the time. Everything happens for a reason.

OK, so it is out of me and in this room. I think I may just leave it here. I have no use for this story. I have no need for the emotional weight it brings. Good bye mamas bathroom. It's been 24 years since that happened. I still think about it and it makes me wince. Hopefully this will change that.

DOWNWARD SPIRAL

As I am thinking about my life, and I do it daily I think wow I really have it good. I have no complaints for the most part. I think that has been all of my life. Are we always harder on ourselves than others? I would definately say yes. I have beat myself up for a long time. I never tried things, always hung in the back of the crowd as to not be noticed. Whenever I was approached by a guy "in my single days" I always dismissed it as, he was mistaken, what could he possibly want with me. I never ever felt like I had what it took. What does that mean? You got me. I guess that is why I am here laying it out. How do I make myself worthy of .....myself?

I am going back now to the summer before my 9th grade. I had made friends, and they were all very tall and very beautiful girls that I couldn't believe wanted me around. Yes they partied, and there parents were the kind of parents that at least were semi-aware of the situation. I was so new to it all. I went buck wild. If we were drinking I would drink the most just to show them I could. Which never worked out for me, as you can imagine. Once we started smoking I was the chain smoker. Always smoked one after another. I took everything to the next level. It did not take long before we were all smoking pot and when school started that year we were considered "potheads". Well that ,to me, was better than not being considered at all. I relished the title and did whatever it took to keep up the rest of the older more experienced crowd.

I spent every weekend at someone elses home. A friends house always the one with the least interested parents. It was easy to find a friend who had a single mom who was more worried about her personal life than the life of her kids. I was at that house! They would buy us alcohol and let us smoke in the house. We were 14 by the way. The girl that I befriended was considered a "slut" in school and to me that was soooo cool. Boys liked you. hmm.. enough said


I was on a downward spiral and it didn't take long for the drinking and drugs and sex to progress quickly. I began hanging around a bunch of guys that were a lot older than me. My best friends cousin and all of his buddies. They were all into drugs. We learned real fast. My grades plummeted and I was hardly ever in school. My parents grounded me nonstop and would fight me but I was too far gone. Nothing they said mattered to me I was on this path and there seemed to be nothing to stop it from happening. I wasn't afraid of it. I wasn't afraid of there punishment either. Bring it on. They now could see that we had a problem. They were finding the ciggarettes and the pipes for smoking pot. They did not know what to do. I didn't care what they did.

It didn't take long for me to get in trouble I think I was 16 and was arrested for shoplifting. I stole a Violent Femmes CD from a store and they had me on tape. I remember the embarrassment and shame being walked back into the store. I remember the car ride to the station,I was shoving everything I had stolen from the other stores down in the seat with my handcuffs on. Once at the station my friend and I were separated and taken into this room where I was told to take off all of my clothes. Strip search!!!!! Are you kidding me? I don't get naked in front of people. I am this way overweight teenager that has serious self esteem problems and they want me to get naked. It wasn't a suggestion, I was to strip. I did and after the humiliation of having to bend over and cough, I could get dressed. I guess they were trying to scare us. I would not tell them my parents name or number. I was gonna live it out in jail rahter than have them notify my parents. Lock me away! So they did and about 2 hours later my parents were there to bail me out. I guess my friends mom called them. The outcome of my lil shopping spree put me on probation for 5 years. With lots of community service. Some may have learned there lesson from an ordeal like that. I didn't.

I was a disaster.I was a drug addict and alcoholic at age 16. I treated myself like a lab rat. It didn't matter to me what drug it was or the effect of it I was going to take it and more of it than you. What was wrong with me? I think I was desperate to fit in. I needed to be noticed and I was with my risky behaviors. This lasted all through my high school years. Progression. I had done it all and there was no stop in sight. By the time I graduated high school I had done more drinking smoking and drugs than most people can even imagine. I was around more due to the crowd I hung with. They were a lot older in there 20's and had the connections that most teenagers couldn't even get close to. Cocaine,ecstasy, acid, and more were something I was able to get my hands on easily. I quickly became the go to girl at school. I could get the alcohol and drugs and almost always had it on hand. I was what I thought was so cool. Little did I know where I was headed. The dangerous path to come. Because this is the beginning. A long road I put myself down. I was surely to pay the consiquence.

MATCHMAKER MATCHMAKER

It is Monday morning and the office is very boring. I am taking a break so I thought I would tell you guys about my weekend. Or what has been going on. I have this super sweet sister-in -law that is single and very unlucky in love. After several heartaches in the last year I told her that her "picker" was broken and to let me find a guy for her so I have been looking around. Found through my neice this guy who sounded great on paper. He was divorced, 2 kids, church going kinda guy. Okay...so I told her about him and they were set up and hit it off right off the bat. I think the next day he lost his job and basically became a couch potato for the next 3 months of there relationship. I was in a panic.. this guy was my idea and he went from a hero to a zero in no time. So I did damage control talking with her and helping her see that even though she is lonely she deserved soo much more than this guy. She listened to me...finally.Whew!

That was close..

During this courtship of hers I had already met the new boyfriend that she needed to meet. I knew as soon as I met him that they would get along. He is so nice and genuine. You could totally tell from the 1st meeting. He works with my husband and I met him at the Christmas party. So as soon as we hit the parking lot to leave I was grilling my husband about this guy and how perfect he would be for his sister. Is he married? Ever been? Does he have children? College?
All the answers were perfect.

So my quest was on ..I had to somehow figure out how to remove this leech of a guy she is with and arrange a meeting for these two. Well the guy finally did enough to make her say enough and he was gone. I was beginning to get nervous.

Jeff asked the new guy if he would be interested in a date with his sister. I know, funny huh? He was ok with it, but I think he is very shy so there was no commitment. Well he ended up throwing an "We survived the holidays party" It was this past Saturday.

We went and had a good time. I am so bad though because any chance I got I am asking obvious prying questions. But you know what? Kathy needs a hubby and a good one. I almost blew it with the last one and didn't want to mess this up. He needed to be interviewed. I was the one to do it because Jeff and Kathy were silent as we stood there.

Well in there defense Kathy had a Huge headache that she couldn't find relief from no matter what she did so she was doing good to show up. Jeff had been up since 4 that morning on a fishing tournament where he stood on a boat for 8 hours, so he was pooped and his back an knees were hurting him. It was all me and we had to make the right impression. I think we did. Had a great time and scoped him out all together.

He is something else. He looks like someone went back in a time machine and snatched him straight from the 50's. He has a real Buddy Holly feel to him. I love it and so will her super conservative parents. So that was the first check. He has his own home and keeps it spotless. Wood floors , leather couch, everything had it's place. I was totally thinking ok if he isn't gay he is perfect. The food there was amazing, it looked as if my mother had made this elaborate spread of finger foods. So I asked his mother if she made it. Nope, he did. He loves to cook. Is very good at it. That is a good thing as Kathy is a beginner. She only knows what I taught her. I was soo impressed. He also has graduated form Texas A&M university with 2 degrees. Check!

We left fairly early due to the sleepiness of my husband and so I had to wait to see the results of the meeting. This morning Jeff spoke with him and he is interested in taking her on a date! She is interested in dating him! I am so excited and think it is going to be a perfect match. To be seen .

SETTING THE STAGE FOR DISASTER

I have been in pretty good spirits this week. Just ticking along. Weighed this morning and it looks like 75 lbs. I am very excited about this. It is hard to believe though. When I went to look for something in my hall closet and came across a stack of scrubs size 4x and remembering how absolutely miserable I felt in them. I contribute a lot of my weight loss to the change in jobs. I had a high stress job that revolved around everyone eating when there was a spare minute. Those scrubs were in the beginnings of not fitting me anymore when I left there. I was desperate, I knew I would not be able to do "this" there. I keep waiting for someone to pull the rug out from under me. Still very unsure if "this" is the real deal. After all the questioning I usually sit there for a minute and come to the conclusion that "this" is of my making. I made these choices. I made these changes. I allowed myself to be open to it and soon after telling myself this I am up and on my way to live life a few more days without the fear of the "rug puller."

I think I have read my last blog about 5 times and each time I do I get the same feeling. Wow...how real,how true. All of it. It most likely rings so much more true to me than anyone because I was there ...it was me. Young and vulnerable. But was it enough to cause that deep of emotional damage for me to abuse food? I don't know. Yet. Still searching, and you know what? In the end if I come up with nothing , no reason, no light bulb moment. I think I will be ok with that. I just need to do an inventory check to see what's in there that maybe is hiding out too scared to come out.

Like I said before I have been there. I have so been through many things and want to go straight to it, but if I did it would merely be story telling. I am on a hunt for some answers. Let me start today where I left off. I was done with the six grade and obviously feeling the clinch of being an outsider.

I did meet a girl who lived by me in the country. She was super tall for her age and very skinny. We made quite the pair. Laurel and Hardy,if you will. I spent tons of time with her. We were best friends and both so weird in our own ways. She was teased for the exact opposite reason I was. Boy, it is hard to please people.

Going into the 7th grade I will reiiterate that I was already angry and defensive and had a very poor attitude about school. I took most of it out on my teachers. So rude to all of them. Smart mouth all the way. I definately started at that age to struggle with grades and see a decline in my effort. There was none. Nothing going on at home though. No parents fighting or huge drama. I truly think I was just hurt by my weight. I can't really remember anything important about this grade. I was a dork. Oh yeah I do remember Mr. Keil he had a desk in the front of his class that was called the hot seat. If you were bad he would make you sit in it. Well I was bad and had to go sit in the hot seat. Only problem is the desk was about half the size of a regular desk. I already was pushing the limits on a regular desk so trying to squish my body in that little tiny wooden desk was close to impossible. What was I thinking? Could I not control myself for just his class at least just to avoid the freaking hot seat. I was my own worst enemy.Oh, how I remember that desk. Humiliating and only fed the fire I had inside. Ugh!

Moving on, at the end of that year my mom had a party at our house, one of those interior home parties. She invited a bunch of ladies from work and church. All went well. She goes back to work on Monday and one of her coworkers asks her..."Linda, I didn't know Kim is pregnant." Kim is my 16 year old older sister. My mom was like "she's not." Having it on her mind that evening got to looking at her 16 year old and lo and behold she is pregnant...6 MONTHS. Well that was a shock to everyone and it blew everything out of whack for a good while. They had to tend to this and I was left to do mmmm well, whatever.

Looking back now I do see how that changed our entire family forever. We had a baby in the house and she was very pretty. Very spoiled by all who came in touch with her. Her name is Amanda Nichole. I was never jealous, I loved her along with everyone else . I think what happened unintentionally is that I was looked over. I was left to take care of myself. I thought at the time it was all ok. I didn't do a very good job of it. I was still sloppy and not always clean the way I should have been. You couldn't tell I came from an upper middle class family. Nobody at home ever really noticed. My dad was working his tail off commuting to Houston daily and my mother also work fulltime , helped Kim with Amanda doing most everything as I would if my teenager got pregnant. Is there anyone to blame? I don't think so. It is life throwing punches. While some ducked I got hit. It mostly comes down to weight, hygiene and attitude. Those were the things I was lacking in. That was enough to label me in school though.

I am writing about Amanda not really wanting to because I love her and would not want her to think she is the reason I did the things I did. I'm not just fat people. I put my parents through total hell and I will go there when it is time but for today I want to set the stage and let you know why my parents weren't paying close attention to there youngest who was always a good girl. People pleaser from birth. It starts getting bad pretty quick after the 8th grade. In fact that summer was it, the ball was rolling ...

It is Friday and I am going home for the weekend. Have a good one all my friends and followers. I thank you for coming in here to be a part of my personal journey. You are all welcome. Much love. Tune in next week for the next episode of ....just kidding.

IN THE BEGINNING

So I have been thinking and I have come to the conclusion that I need to go back in time. Put it down find out what happened,if anything, to put me on this road to self destruction. It hasn't always been with food. I have a definate history that I think I am going to explore openly and let it out there for anyone to read. Where I have been what I have been through and maybe just maybe find the healing that is necessary to maintain this healthy lifestyle I so adore right now.

Whenever I have ever been in counseling of any sort they always seem to try to come up with something, anything that might have caused me to constantly tear my "being" apart. I really don't have any deep seeded secrets in my closet of life. Nothing that I can see that made me do the things I have done. There was no abuse of any kind. I grew up in a normal family with strong Christian values. I was the baby.

Anyways, I guess my point is I do not want to ever relapse and regain the weight. The statistics are not good for people that lose large amounts of weight. I think it is something like 1 out of 10 keep it off! I am not liking the sound of that. It can be done though I have a 10 percent chance of beating the odds. I am determined to do it and want to spend the rest of my life in my true body. Not my fat suit.

During this time of me writing it will be very random. I don't know where I am going with this, I just don't. A warning for the faint of heart, I have done a lot of things in my life that most people would never ever consider doing. I will be going there. I think I must. There are definate times in my life that stick in my head as constant reminders of where I do not want to go again.

First of all I grew up in Houston as a chubby child. There was nothing behind it other than poor eating habits. It was a time of 2 liter coke bottles and ding dongs wrapped in foil. So I was overweight and didn't really understand nor did my parents the pain that comes with that. It was a time when children were not overweight. There was no epidemic. I was alone in my size for most of my childhood. The teasing and childhood banter is what causes the pain and suffering to build. Not knowing at such a young age that you are treating your pain with food, my parents knew nothing about the emotional side of weight and how it can affect you and your soul. They are from the 50's when things weren't talked about. At least in my home that is the way it was. Elephant in the room syndrome. Counseling,therapist? What's that?

By the time I was 10 my parents decided to move to a small town called Brenham. They had there reasons that I didn't understand until years down the road. That is a whole other episode though. So, here I was in this small town with all new people who didn't know me or who I was and to tell you the truth they didn't care. The clicks were formed and I was not very desirable as a friend. I was this sloppy looking girl who was ten and going through that ugly phase that all kids go through. BAD timing to move. But,whatever. I had noone and was left to endure the wise cracks of other students and the constant reminder that I was not like them. I had landed in hell. I hated where I was and had never really ever met people that were so rude and almighty in my life.

It was a tough 6th grade year and by the time it was over I was different. I had a bad attitude and a was no longer innocent in the sense that my heart had not been hurt. I had built walls around me that from the outside looked mean and solid. If they could have only seen the inside of my walls. How weak they were. How many cracks and leaks there were. They were breaking down as fast as I could build them. There verbal sticks and stones were shredding the foundation of my existance. I know now that if they only knew the damage,if they only knew how things would have been different. We are all human and have a heart. Kids though can be the most cruel people of them all. I was becoming a cruel person. I used hurtful words to tear people down. I had learned.

Home life at the time remained the same. I never spoke of my pain to my parents. I came home and things felt better. I had the comfort of food there. Wonderful homemade dinners that were adundant and flowing with gravies and butter. My mother is an awesome cook and I never let it go to waste. There was always ice cream and snacks, that look harmless in small amounts but every day to have those foods, is never good. I gained even more that year. I was 11 and was able to wear my fathers wranglers. I remember that. I wouldn't dare wear levis ever as the waist size is promenantly stamped on your backside.

This was the beginning of something bad that only now I can see. There was no way for me to know this then. Oh boy if I did. As I go on with this I know it will be difficult to write as I am uncomfortble and squirmy now knowing people will read this. It needs to come out. I am doing this for me.I am doing this for me. I am doing this for me.

MY NEW SHOES!

Back at the desk. Chipping away and thinking, thinking, thinking. I seem to do that a lot since my job let's my fingers go into autopilot. What's for dinner? What's on T.V. tonight? Should I read my book? Of course excercise, burning those calories.

I am getting some new tennies soon! Yeah! It has been so many years since I have owned a pair of tennies. I had no use for them. That would require me to get active and I was SO not active. Plus they almost always killed my feet. I have a large foot, 11w and it is almost impossible to find shoes that don't cram my country feet together like sardines in a can. So I have been searching online and found some that will fit my feet perfectly. I am blogging about shoes.?!#*

Well there is more to it, I need those shoes to continue on my path. They will get a lot of wear and tear in the near future. I have plans for those shoes. I am going to ride my bike in them. I am thinking about starting a "spinning" class that I will need them for. I am almost certain that they will be on dogwalks this spring. Oh yeah I want to LEARN how to play tennis. At my own pace. Definately need tennies for that.

I am proud to say that I want tennies. I have worn crocs for over 3 years now because I was too heavy to have full weight on my feet without severe pain. It is quite pathetic. This is something new, a subtle change. Paige in tennies....not something that has been seen for a while. I am ready to take those shoes on and make it happen.

Wish me luck and endurance.

Me and Patsy Cline

It is Sunday afternoon and I am at my home computer which is a rarity but I need to snap out of this funk I am in. Very pissy and don't know why. It has been a nice weekend too cold and windy for me to go out and ride my bike like I wanted but oh well there will be other days. I haven't done anyhthing productive today and not sure if I will feeling the way I do. I think I am getting sick. My throat is hurting and I feel sore all over my body. My muscles ache. I sure hope it doesn't turn into the flu. That would be the worst.

My husband and I went out to the local bar on Friday night, which we never do and we had a very good time together. We got there early and played darts together for about an hour. I really enjoyed the time alone we had together which we never have. He is my best friend and just never spend a whole lot of free time doing nothing "together" just the two of us. So, it was refreshing.

We stayed later than I had anticipated and it didn't take long for the rum and cokes to kick in and before we knew it we were dancing the night away. I am not a very good dancer and it does take a few drinks to get me loose enough to be able to two-step comfortably. I was raised a Baptist so there were not any weddings or other affairs that included dancing in my life. I get rusty but lucky for me my husband loves to dance and never gives up on me.

It was karaoke night at the bar which is very interesting because to see these average people with the guts to get up there on that tiny stage and sing to their hearts content without reservations. That is so not me. I do love to sing but the kitchen is my stage. I sing to my kids silly songs made up from nothing and they laugh and we dance. My kids even do the same thing. Sing about nothing. I love it. Of course Jeff is my greatest fan and thinks I have a voice of an angel. cough cough. I know otherwise but that's ok . HE loves me. Back to my point. The courage it takes to sing in front of 50 strangers or more to me is something I have never had. Not even liquid courage.

I love to people watch so sitting in the bar next to a speaker with music blaring is the perfect place for doing that. Conversation is no longer an option as I am already hard of hearing and can not hear a thing or read lips with music that loud. So I watch people. I had noticed this couple come in and right away knew they were not from my lil country town. Dressed to the nines and just had a "big city" uptown look to them. She was so beautiful. Very old Hollywood with her short bleach blond hair done up with finger waves and pin curls. Her skin was very pale and lips bright red. She looked like a flapper from days gone by. I soon lost them in the crowd of people and my train of thought went other places.

The next thing I know "she" was tapping me on the shoulder asking if they could sit with us. I said of course and they did. Jeff and I carried on with our evening keeping to ourselves , dancing and drinking. After about 30 minutes another tap on the shoulder and "she" wanted to know if I would sing karaoke with her. Are you kidding me? Not me! I do not karaoke. So I explained and they did not care. They were relentless about it and telling me how she was this fabulous singer and just wanted company and blah blah blah. SO I agreed, I told her you pick the song and I will do it. So she picks Patsy Cline "Walking after Midnight." No prob,right? It's an easy song that doesn't go all diva on you. She submitted our request and I sat nervously for the next 20 minutes knowing our names would be called. It was called...

We go up there, got our mikes, and the music is started. I know this song ,happen to have it on my playlist at work so I hear it at least once a day. I was golden. She could sing and I wouldn't look like a fool. The first words light up on the screen and I start singing but she isn't.I was there and it was just me and Patsy Cline crooning to the sing. "She" doesn't know the SONG! I am up there continuing to sing and she does join in but I can tell she is following my lead. I could have whacked that lil petite Marilyn look-a-like off the stage by that time. I had been bamboozled. I am singing in public thanks to her and her "oh she can sing" husband. Thank God the song isn't long. We finished and as the music stopped my knees were knocking so hard I just knew they could be heard over the mike. I hurried to my chair to Jeff who is all smiles sat down and was relieved it was over. I sat there wondering quietly what it sounded like. You can not hear anything when you are up , nothing. It is so loud and the nerves I so probably sucked. I will never know,Jeff will say I was great no matter what. It was not a minute or two that I looked around and our guests from days gone by were gone.

Where had they gone? Was she even real? I truly was questioning what had just happened and for what reason it had. It was a cool experience and I can now sayI have sung karakoke. Will I ever do it again? I don't think so, but who knows stranger things have happened.

I guess I am not feeling as cruddy as I was when I started this thing. Not near as irritable and I think I can try to enjoy the rest of my day.

ME UNZIPPING ME

Well the work week has drawn to a close. I am grateful. I will sleep in tomorrow. When I decide to get up I will cook a great breakfast..I am thinking french toast and pan sausage and some fresh fruit. mmmm... that sounds yummy. I think it is going to be kinda crummy out on Saturday but that is ok I have lots to do inside until it clears. Nothing will be rushed. There will be no deadlines,no wondering "Where the money is?" that I hear all day every day at work. We don't have any money so that worry is gone and I don't need money for what I plan on doing this weekend.



I am becoming my own person this year. Not just "his wife" or "their mother". Boy is it going to be hard for me to step out of those roles just for long enough to see who I am and who I want to be. I am such a people pleaser and have for soo long not ever strayed from that role. It has it's faults. One of them being, you lose yourself. What one needs to keep the fires fueled. You become a robot just doing only for others day after day. Not ever looking that you haven't washed your hair or bought one single thing (just for you) in years. All of a sudden when that people pleaser role is threatened and pulled away you are left standing there with a whole lot of nothing. You question your entire purpose in this life you live.



Believe me I have not figured it all out yet but I am well on my way. For the first time in my life I feel like I have something to say and don't worry about anyones opinion of it,whatever"IT" may be. Who cares? If I don't somehow gain control of just this one person in the world and make the changes necessary then I will be an unhappy person for years to come.



CHANGES.. What does that mean? I don't know. I use that word a lot and I still don't really know exactly what needs to changes. I mean I have figured a few things out and so far those few things have made my quality of life so much better. The first thing I did was to make sure that I became healthy. I have dieted for sooo many years I bet I have lost 1000 lbs. I never really got it. I finally decided to never diet again,ever. So I haven't I have chosen to eat healthy foods and put away forever the foods that brought me down. Goodbye Dr.Pepper! First thing to go and I just kept on and on replacing old unhealthy foods with fresh foods that make my energy level soar. No more 10 lb bags if sugar going through my house at a alarming rate. I have done it and my family have accepted it as this is now it. This is dinner. Eat it or not.



Because of these small yet extreme changes I have made in my life I have been able to shed a person already . 70 pounds. Well a child. That 70 pounds to me means so much more than the #.

I hated those pounds. I drug myself around hurting with every step I took. I hated my reflection. I thought nonstop about how to get out of that body. Would not go outside. Could not participate in my life. It was going on all around me and I was merely a spectator. My body would not allow me to move quick enough to catch up to all the things going on around me. I was not that person, I knew I was not ,but why was I in there. I was in a fat suit and couldn't get out. Can somebody please unzip me? I found out the hard way that I was that somebody. How many years have I given away to that body? Well, no more! I will fight every bit of it off and live with confidence and conviction as I have to start fresh. As I already have.



Can I with writing about and keeping open lines of communication with my family continue on this path I am on. I have great faith that I can. I can't ever go back there. I lost myself. I am going to make myself more and more aware daily about what it means to be a healthier person. I can diet your ass off, but living a healthy and clean life is something new I have to learn about. I am eager for info. I feel like a sponge absorbing all the info I can on the subject. Health101 that's me sitting at the desk of life trying to reach goals I never thought were possible.


It is time for me to go for the weekend. I'll be back on Monday. I don't know who I am talking to. Maybe noone. Maybe I am talking simply to this blog and if you happen to peek in then, Welcome.

Look! Kids, its called grass!

Well the week is winding down and I am looking forward to the weekend. I like my half days on Fridays. That little bit of extra time for me seems like such a bonus for my weekend. I am such a lounger. I could do weekends all the time. I love being home and just chilling, curled up on the couch with my husband having movie marathons or being able to cook those nice heartwarming meals that are so neglected during the week.

It seems harder and harder these days to get my kids outdoors. I dont know if it is the constant electronic in there face or the gloomy weather we have had lately but I hope to change that soon. I noticed just last weekend when I went out to rake the backyard that I was accompanied by my entire family. They did not rake but we were all out there enjoying the beautiful day. Saturday was a gorgeous day, the sun was just warm enough to allow you to enjoy it. Of course I didn't get my legs tan at all. Ugh!

So... this weekend my plan is to get my brand new bike all set for me to ride, seat adjusted and tires inflated. Grab my kids and go for a ride. It has been forever since I have ridden a bike. I am excited about it. A little scared but I am sure once I get on that shiny blue bike with its silver fenders I will be happy as happy can be. My kids also got bikes and mine and my daughters match, my sons is red. We all have helmets. I want them to go farther than they have ever been allowed on there own. My legs may regret it after I get there but it will be well worth the time with my children outdoors. Look! Kids, it's called grass! It's not that bad, yet, but sometimes it seems like it.

Gotta go ... my son missed the bus

BANDAIDS AND BEETLEJUICE

When I think about the few true friends I do have, and how protective I feel about them it becomes almost maternal in some way. I can't stand to see any of them hurt or make truly bad decisions. I have spent years with these people, who have carved a nice comfy spot in my heart. Time away doesn't seem to change anything. You reconnect and you know.
I have many diferent types of friends in my life all very different in there own unique way. Ages vary from the youngest of my friends being 16 (Poopie) and the oldest, oh I dont even know. I have always been very guarded about who I let in my life. I don't really need "new" friends. I have some of the best as it is. So what could someone new offer.
In my opinion old friends are the greatest. They know you and love you know matter what you look like that day or what kinda crappy mood you are in. It is all understood. In my experience and with my sorted past I definately can't afford to have friends that might judge me in any way. That may be why I don't make a lot of new friends. There are those special few that do creep in, and before you know it you have a new friend. But you know even those people seem in some way like you have known them longer than you have. It is a natural progression,no thought to it at all.
I like looking forward to seeing my friends. I like the anticipation of having a really good time together even if it is nothing but a wild goose chase car ride looking for ghosts from our past. Too many cigarrettes that leaves your throat burning and your clothes reeking. Was it fun? Yeah! Would I do it again? In a sec.
I guess my point today after reading a friends blog. Pain and sorrow transfers to me when I feel kindred with another. I am sorry for the sadness and resentment and the raw emotion that comes from those words I read. I can not comprehend the pain . I am sorry for the pain and wish there was something as simple as a scooby-doo bandaid that could fix it.
I am afraid time will be the ultimate healing this wound needs. It does get better. I know you are out there. KNOW that YOU have friends here in this town that are thinking about you as you go on this journey. Friend.
Life passes us by all too quickly. There is really and truly no time to hold resentment. It is a waste of your spirit and makes one seem weighted down. Let it go, see what happens and I think you may find that there is truly light at the end of the tunnel waiting for you to go through to the other side of this horrible place you are in. Makes me think of the movie Beetlejuice when the couple feels they must go outside and knowing that there was nothing outside that door but red hot sun and sand and that horrible worm with all the teeth. Why torture yourself when you don't have to. Stay close to what is good and warm and homey, if only for a little while. Until the battle wounds heal and you are ready to go out there and fight through the muck to get to the good stuff.

CRAMPED IN A CUBICLE

It is a truly gloomy day today, the clouds are dark and giving up some sprinkles. Cold enough for me that I can't get my bones warm. Makes me feel as gloomy as it looks outside. I am trying to keep my head in my work and not look up but it is proving to be impossible. I would rather be at home wrapped up in my new quilt reading a book in my big comfy chair that I love so much. There is something about a oversized, overstuffed chair that makes me feel small and young like a kid must in adult sized furniture. I spend most of my liesure time in that chair and I want to be there right now.

Wake up!

I am at work daydreaming, lots to do but my head isn't there yet. I must need to take a minute to clear my head and get focused on my daily duties. My job is a very boring job and if it wasn't for the fact that I can get away for a few minutes at a time to IM a friend or read emails I am not sure if it would be a great choice for me. I am so close to home though. 5 minutes max and being that close and available for my kiddos is what makes me love my job. It is not the work ,as it is not rewarding in any way. I wish I could choose that awesome thing I could do with my life. What would it be? So many options, I would like to open my own restaurant and serve all my favorite recipes that are tried and true. I know it would be a success,but it takes money to make money and money is one thing I do not have.

I would also like to just be a housewife again. That opens up many doors for me that would allow me to explore. Such as my talents in art that have been pushed way to the back of my preverbial closet. All those skills I once had are very dusty and need definate attention. There is no time or space in my life to pull that out right now. Maybe one day when the kids are grown and Jeff has his degree I can stop working, we can downsize greatly and I can get that time to myself to explore all the talents I have hidden in me. Just to not have to feel like I am cramped in a cubicle pushing the same buttons over and over and over and over, day after day after day.

We will get there. We have a plan. A plan for happiness. A plan for the future. One that will make the both of us feel free again from the hum drum life we are in. We are definately sacrificing alot right now so our children can have a good upbringing and not have to suffer too much.

We do have a happy home. Lot's of singing and dancing and shakin that booty in the kitchen. I do not bring my work home. It is not important to me. Not after 5 that is. I like to come home and make my evening as good of one as possible. My kids are funny, like to laugh, tell jokes, cook, dance and sing. they certainly make my long boring day worth while when I make it home. Whether I am in a great mood or not they are so consistent with the love they bring each day as I walk through the door.

Well I am definately feeling a lot better and I guess I am ready to bury my head in the work that is in front of me. Rain, Rain, go away come again some other day. I need the sun to shine on me. Maybe tomorrow.

Beyond the fog is gratitude

Here I am on the 5th day of Januaury and haven't had a cigarrette since Dec.31.... It was touch and go for a few days but I am starting to feel a lot better and have been keeping myself very busy. Cleaning, raking, excercising all weekend .
It worked! I did not have to eat a bunch of food..which is different for me compared to when I have quit in the past.
I already feel like I can excercise harder and breathe better. I am really trying hard to talk myself into this. Who am I kidding? Do I want to smoke? Uh, Yeah...I think about it a lot. I have kinda been like a crazy woman trying my hardest not to think about it.
So here I am and I can not let smoking consume me. I am vowing to think and talk and blog about more important things in life. Screw cigs. Wasting my time.
I have this beautiful family that loves me and each other. I am crazy about my husband and think he is truly a beautiful man with a huge loving heart. We have children that reflect just that. Very kind ,sincere, honest and of course funny. I love to watch our family as we coexist in our home. For the most part it is a freeflowing event. We all seem to have respect for bounderies and except for a few bumps in the road I would have to say that I think we are all friends and love one another very much.
Gratitude is the word that comes to mind. I am soo grateful for them and that we can go through all these storms of life and come out on the other side changed but not scarred. Grateful for what we have and carry no resentment with it.

34 HOURS, 9 MINUTES AND 43 SECONDS

I quit smoking and it hurts. The countdown is on to a little bit of sanity. All my thoughts are of smoking. We have a love hate relationship that started when I was only 14 years old. I do not want to smoke but my body is fighting it right now. I know these irrational thoughts will pass. I know the severe mood swings I am experiencing will also go away. I need to hang on tight.
For as long as I can remember I have wanted to smoke. I remember being a small child, 6 years old and the man across the street would smoke while he did his lawn work. I would watch him. He smoked the kind of ciggarettes that had the plastic tip on the filter. When he was safe back in his house I would go over at 6 years old and take those ciggarettes and try to smoke them. This behavior has been with me always. I would get in trouble from my daddy for buying the candy cigs as a child. I still remember the speech. "Do you want to smoke!?" blah blah blah
Well here I am 33 years later still craving that thing that ciggarettes give me. It can't just be nicotine. I has to be more . More to it. Such as how it feels to hold it, to flick my ashes. Ever notice how people hold, put out and flick there ciggarettes differently. It's the learned behavior we hold on to. Develop and and make our own. What a horrible habit. I know it. I am quiting. I have quit again,but for some reason this time it seems to hurt a bit more than usual.
Things have changed for me. I have completely changed my eating habits and boy that doesn't help me when I am craving a smoke. I am having to think outside the box. I have always done the same thing. Everytime I quit I replace that need with Dr. Pepper and candy or something totally empty and full of calories. Well, that part of my life is over so here I am a complete wreck trying to search for the next best thing to do. All I really want to do is cry. I have already done my share of that as I cleaned my house, unecessarily so, last night. Scrubbed and cried. I did not smoke though and I did not eat over it.
So what is this void I need to fill. How do I find it or do I just keep filling it with something eventually when I have felt empty long enough. I don't know. I consider myself a very smart woman with excellent common sense. So why is, or what is it that makes me feel as if I HAVE to smoke and if I can't do that then I MUST eat. I mean come on. Is it just straightup addiction and that is it. I try to search for the one thing I am hurting from. I don't find it. Of course I have been hurt alot but I really feel I have come to terms with these issues. Accepted what has happened in my life as just that. LIFE.
I expect to start feeling better by tomorrow, maybe a little at least. For today though I am counting down the hours minutes and seconds to find relief.
God save the Queen