DOWNWARD SPIRAL

As I am thinking about my life, and I do it daily I think wow I really have it good. I have no complaints for the most part. I think that has been all of my life. Are we always harder on ourselves than others? I would definately say yes. I have beat myself up for a long time. I never tried things, always hung in the back of the crowd as to not be noticed. Whenever I was approached by a guy "in my single days" I always dismissed it as, he was mistaken, what could he possibly want with me. I never ever felt like I had what it took. What does that mean? You got me. I guess that is why I am here laying it out. How do I make myself worthy of .....myself?

I am going back now to the summer before my 9th grade. I had made friends, and they were all very tall and very beautiful girls that I couldn't believe wanted me around. Yes they partied, and there parents were the kind of parents that at least were semi-aware of the situation. I was so new to it all. I went buck wild. If we were drinking I would drink the most just to show them I could. Which never worked out for me, as you can imagine. Once we started smoking I was the chain smoker. Always smoked one after another. I took everything to the next level. It did not take long before we were all smoking pot and when school started that year we were considered "potheads". Well that ,to me, was better than not being considered at all. I relished the title and did whatever it took to keep up the rest of the older more experienced crowd.

I spent every weekend at someone elses home. A friends house always the one with the least interested parents. It was easy to find a friend who had a single mom who was more worried about her personal life than the life of her kids. I was at that house! They would buy us alcohol and let us smoke in the house. We were 14 by the way. The girl that I befriended was considered a "slut" in school and to me that was soooo cool. Boys liked you. hmm.. enough said


I was on a downward spiral and it didn't take long for the drinking and drugs and sex to progress quickly. I began hanging around a bunch of guys that were a lot older than me. My best friends cousin and all of his buddies. They were all into drugs. We learned real fast. My grades plummeted and I was hardly ever in school. My parents grounded me nonstop and would fight me but I was too far gone. Nothing they said mattered to me I was on this path and there seemed to be nothing to stop it from happening. I wasn't afraid of it. I wasn't afraid of there punishment either. Bring it on. They now could see that we had a problem. They were finding the ciggarettes and the pipes for smoking pot. They did not know what to do. I didn't care what they did.

It didn't take long for me to get in trouble I think I was 16 and was arrested for shoplifting. I stole a Violent Femmes CD from a store and they had me on tape. I remember the embarrassment and shame being walked back into the store. I remember the car ride to the station,I was shoving everything I had stolen from the other stores down in the seat with my handcuffs on. Once at the station my friend and I were separated and taken into this room where I was told to take off all of my clothes. Strip search!!!!! Are you kidding me? I don't get naked in front of people. I am this way overweight teenager that has serious self esteem problems and they want me to get naked. It wasn't a suggestion, I was to strip. I did and after the humiliation of having to bend over and cough, I could get dressed. I guess they were trying to scare us. I would not tell them my parents name or number. I was gonna live it out in jail rahter than have them notify my parents. Lock me away! So they did and about 2 hours later my parents were there to bail me out. I guess my friends mom called them. The outcome of my lil shopping spree put me on probation for 5 years. With lots of community service. Some may have learned there lesson from an ordeal like that. I didn't.

I was a disaster.I was a drug addict and alcoholic at age 16. I treated myself like a lab rat. It didn't matter to me what drug it was or the effect of it I was going to take it and more of it than you. What was wrong with me? I think I was desperate to fit in. I needed to be noticed and I was with my risky behaviors. This lasted all through my high school years. Progression. I had done it all and there was no stop in sight. By the time I graduated high school I had done more drinking smoking and drugs than most people can even imagine. I was around more due to the crowd I hung with. They were a lot older in there 20's and had the connections that most teenagers couldn't even get close to. Cocaine,ecstasy, acid, and more were something I was able to get my hands on easily. I quickly became the go to girl at school. I could get the alcohol and drugs and almost always had it on hand. I was what I thought was so cool. Little did I know where I was headed. The dangerous path to come. Because this is the beginning. A long road I put myself down. I was surely to pay the consiquence.