I quit smoking and it hurts. The countdown is on to a little bit of sanity. All my thoughts are of smoking. We have a love hate relationship that started when I was only 14 years old. I do not want to smoke but my body is fighting it right now. I know these irrational thoughts will pass. I know the severe mood swings I am experiencing will also go away. I need to hang on tight.
For as long as I can remember I have wanted to smoke. I remember being a small child, 6 years old and the man across the street would smoke while he did his lawn work. I would watch him. He smoked the kind of ciggarettes that had the plastic tip on the filter. When he was safe back in his house I would go over at 6 years old and take those ciggarettes and try to smoke them. This behavior has been with me always. I would get in trouble from my daddy for buying the candy cigs as a child. I still remember the speech. "Do you want to smoke!?" blah blah blah
Well here I am 33 years later still craving that thing that ciggarettes give me. It can't just be nicotine. I has to be more . More to it. Such as how it feels to hold it, to flick my ashes. Ever notice how people hold, put out and flick there ciggarettes differently. It's the learned behavior we hold on to. Develop and and make our own. What a horrible habit. I know it. I am quiting. I have quit again,but for some reason this time it seems to hurt a bit more than usual.
Things have changed for me. I have completely changed my eating habits and boy that doesn't help me when I am craving a smoke. I am having to think outside the box. I have always done the same thing. Everytime I quit I replace that need with Dr. Pepper and candy or something totally empty and full of calories. Well, that part of my life is over so here I am a complete wreck trying to search for the next best thing to do. All I really want to do is cry. I have already done my share of that as I cleaned my house, unecessarily so, last night. Scrubbed and cried. I did not smoke though and I did not eat over it.
So what is this void I need to fill. How do I find it or do I just keep filling it with something eventually when I have felt empty long enough. I don't know. I consider myself a very smart woman with excellent common sense. So why is, or what is it that makes me feel as if I HAVE to smoke and if I can't do that then I MUST eat. I mean come on. Is it just straightup addiction and that is it. I try to search for the one thing I am hurting from. I don't find it. Of course I have been hurt alot but I really feel I have come to terms with these issues. Accepted what has happened in my life as just that. LIFE.
I expect to start feeling better by tomorrow, maybe a little at least. For today though I am counting down the hours minutes and seconds to find relief.
God save the Queen
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