Back at the desk. Chipping away and thinking, thinking, thinking. I seem to do that a lot since my job let's my fingers go into autopilot. What's for dinner? What's on T.V. tonight? Should I read my book? Of course excercise, burning those calories.
I am getting some new tennies soon! Yeah! It has been so many years since I have owned a pair of tennies. I had no use for them. That would require me to get active and I was SO not active. Plus they almost always killed my feet. I have a large foot, 11w and it is almost impossible to find shoes that don't cram my country feet together like sardines in a can. So I have been searching online and found some that will fit my feet perfectly. I am blogging about shoes.?!#*
Well there is more to it, I need those shoes to continue on my path. They will get a lot of wear and tear in the near future. I have plans for those shoes. I am going to ride my bike in them. I am thinking about starting a "spinning" class that I will need them for. I am almost certain that they will be on dogwalks this spring. Oh yeah I want to LEARN how to play tennis. At my own pace. Definately need tennies for that.
I am proud to say that I want tennies. I have worn crocs for over 3 years now because I was too heavy to have full weight on my feet without severe pain. It is quite pathetic. This is something new, a subtle change. Paige in tennies....not something that has been seen for a while. I am ready to take those shoes on and make it happen.
Wish me luck and endurance.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Me and Patsy Cline
It is Sunday afternoon and I am at my home computer which is a rarity but I need to snap out of this funk I am in. Very pissy and don't know why. It has been a nice weekend too cold and windy for me to go out and ride my bike like I wanted but oh well there will be other days. I haven't done anyhthing productive today and not sure if I will feeling the way I do. I think I am getting sick. My throat is hurting and I feel sore all over my body. My muscles ache. I sure hope it doesn't turn into the flu. That would be the worst.
My husband and I went out to the local bar on Friday night, which we never do and we had a very good time together. We got there early and played darts together for about an hour. I really enjoyed the time alone we had together which we never have. He is my best friend and just never spend a whole lot of free time doing nothing "together" just the two of us. So, it was refreshing.
We stayed later than I had anticipated and it didn't take long for the rum and cokes to kick in and before we knew it we were dancing the night away. I am not a very good dancer and it does take a few drinks to get me loose enough to be able to two-step comfortably. I was raised a Baptist so there were not any weddings or other affairs that included dancing in my life. I get rusty but lucky for me my husband loves to dance and never gives up on me.
It was karaoke night at the bar which is very interesting because to see these average people with the guts to get up there on that tiny stage and sing to their hearts content without reservations. That is so not me. I do love to sing but the kitchen is my stage. I sing to my kids silly songs made up from nothing and they laugh and we dance. My kids even do the same thing. Sing about nothing. I love it. Of course Jeff is my greatest fan and thinks I have a voice of an angel. cough cough. I know otherwise but that's ok . HE loves me. Back to my point. The courage it takes to sing in front of 50 strangers or more to me is something I have never had. Not even liquid courage.
I love to people watch so sitting in the bar next to a speaker with music blaring is the perfect place for doing that. Conversation is no longer an option as I am already hard of hearing and can not hear a thing or read lips with music that loud. So I watch people. I had noticed this couple come in and right away knew they were not from my lil country town. Dressed to the nines and just had a "big city" uptown look to them. She was so beautiful. Very old Hollywood with her short bleach blond hair done up with finger waves and pin curls. Her skin was very pale and lips bright red. She looked like a flapper from days gone by. I soon lost them in the crowd of people and my train of thought went other places.
The next thing I know "she" was tapping me on the shoulder asking if they could sit with us. I said of course and they did. Jeff and I carried on with our evening keeping to ourselves , dancing and drinking. After about 30 minutes another tap on the shoulder and "she" wanted to know if I would sing karaoke with her. Are you kidding me? Not me! I do not karaoke. So I explained and they did not care. They were relentless about it and telling me how she was this fabulous singer and just wanted company and blah blah blah. SO I agreed, I told her you pick the song and I will do it. So she picks Patsy Cline "Walking after Midnight." No prob,right? It's an easy song that doesn't go all diva on you. She submitted our request and I sat nervously for the next 20 minutes knowing our names would be called. It was called...
We go up there, got our mikes, and the music is started. I know this song ,happen to have it on my playlist at work so I hear it at least once a day. I was golden. She could sing and I wouldn't look like a fool. The first words light up on the screen and I start singing but she isn't.I was there and it was just me and Patsy Cline crooning to the sing. "She" doesn't know the SONG! I am up there continuing to sing and she does join in but I can tell she is following my lead. I could have whacked that lil petite Marilyn look-a-like off the stage by that time. I had been bamboozled. I am singing in public thanks to her and her "oh she can sing" husband. Thank God the song isn't long. We finished and as the music stopped my knees were knocking so hard I just knew they could be heard over the mike. I hurried to my chair to Jeff who is all smiles sat down and was relieved it was over. I sat there wondering quietly what it sounded like. You can not hear anything when you are up , nothing. It is so loud and the nerves I so probably sucked. I will never know,Jeff will say I was great no matter what. It was not a minute or two that I looked around and our guests from days gone by were gone.
Where had they gone? Was she even real? I truly was questioning what had just happened and for what reason it had. It was a cool experience and I can now sayI have sung karakoke. Will I ever do it again? I don't think so, but who knows stranger things have happened.
I guess I am not feeling as cruddy as I was when I started this thing. Not near as irritable and I think I can try to enjoy the rest of my day.
My husband and I went out to the local bar on Friday night, which we never do and we had a very good time together. We got there early and played darts together for about an hour. I really enjoyed the time alone we had together which we never have. He is my best friend and just never spend a whole lot of free time doing nothing "together" just the two of us. So, it was refreshing.
We stayed later than I had anticipated and it didn't take long for the rum and cokes to kick in and before we knew it we were dancing the night away. I am not a very good dancer and it does take a few drinks to get me loose enough to be able to two-step comfortably. I was raised a Baptist so there were not any weddings or other affairs that included dancing in my life. I get rusty but lucky for me my husband loves to dance and never gives up on me.
It was karaoke night at the bar which is very interesting because to see these average people with the guts to get up there on that tiny stage and sing to their hearts content without reservations. That is so not me. I do love to sing but the kitchen is my stage. I sing to my kids silly songs made up from nothing and they laugh and we dance. My kids even do the same thing. Sing about nothing. I love it. Of course Jeff is my greatest fan and thinks I have a voice of an angel. cough cough. I know otherwise but that's ok . HE loves me. Back to my point. The courage it takes to sing in front of 50 strangers or more to me is something I have never had. Not even liquid courage.
I love to people watch so sitting in the bar next to a speaker with music blaring is the perfect place for doing that. Conversation is no longer an option as I am already hard of hearing and can not hear a thing or read lips with music that loud. So I watch people. I had noticed this couple come in and right away knew they were not from my lil country town. Dressed to the nines and just had a "big city" uptown look to them. She was so beautiful. Very old Hollywood with her short bleach blond hair done up with finger waves and pin curls. Her skin was very pale and lips bright red. She looked like a flapper from days gone by. I soon lost them in the crowd of people and my train of thought went other places.
The next thing I know "she" was tapping me on the shoulder asking if they could sit with us. I said of course and they did. Jeff and I carried on with our evening keeping to ourselves , dancing and drinking. After about 30 minutes another tap on the shoulder and "she" wanted to know if I would sing karaoke with her. Are you kidding me? Not me! I do not karaoke. So I explained and they did not care. They were relentless about it and telling me how she was this fabulous singer and just wanted company and blah blah blah. SO I agreed, I told her you pick the song and I will do it. So she picks Patsy Cline "Walking after Midnight." No prob,right? It's an easy song that doesn't go all diva on you. She submitted our request and I sat nervously for the next 20 minutes knowing our names would be called. It was called...
We go up there, got our mikes, and the music is started. I know this song ,happen to have it on my playlist at work so I hear it at least once a day. I was golden. She could sing and I wouldn't look like a fool. The first words light up on the screen and I start singing but she isn't.I was there and it was just me and Patsy Cline crooning to the sing. "She" doesn't know the SONG! I am up there continuing to sing and she does join in but I can tell she is following my lead. I could have whacked that lil petite Marilyn look-a-like off the stage by that time. I had been bamboozled. I am singing in public thanks to her and her "oh she can sing" husband. Thank God the song isn't long. We finished and as the music stopped my knees were knocking so hard I just knew they could be heard over the mike. I hurried to my chair to Jeff who is all smiles sat down and was relieved it was over. I sat there wondering quietly what it sounded like. You can not hear anything when you are up , nothing. It is so loud and the nerves I so probably sucked. I will never know,Jeff will say I was great no matter what. It was not a minute or two that I looked around and our guests from days gone by were gone.
Where had they gone? Was she even real? I truly was questioning what had just happened and for what reason it had. It was a cool experience and I can now sayI have sung karakoke. Will I ever do it again? I don't think so, but who knows stranger things have happened.
I guess I am not feeling as cruddy as I was when I started this thing. Not near as irritable and I think I can try to enjoy the rest of my day.
Friday, January 9, 2009
ME UNZIPPING ME
Well the work week has drawn to a close. I am grateful. I will sleep in tomorrow. When I decide to get up I will cook a great breakfast..I am thinking french toast and pan sausage and some fresh fruit. mmmm... that sounds yummy. I think it is going to be kinda crummy out on Saturday but that is ok I have lots to do inside until it clears. Nothing will be rushed. There will be no deadlines,no wondering "Where the money is?" that I hear all day every day at work. We don't have any money so that worry is gone and I don't need money for what I plan on doing this weekend.
I am becoming my own person this year. Not just "his wife" or "their mother". Boy is it going to be hard for me to step out of those roles just for long enough to see who I am and who I want to be. I am such a people pleaser and have for soo long not ever strayed from that role. It has it's faults. One of them being, you lose yourself. What one needs to keep the fires fueled. You become a robot just doing only for others day after day. Not ever looking that you haven't washed your hair or bought one single thing (just for you) in years. All of a sudden when that people pleaser role is threatened and pulled away you are left standing there with a whole lot of nothing. You question your entire purpose in this life you live.
Believe me I have not figured it all out yet but I am well on my way. For the first time in my life I feel like I have something to say and don't worry about anyones opinion of it,whatever"IT" may be. Who cares? If I don't somehow gain control of just this one person in the world and make the changes necessary then I will be an unhappy person for years to come.
CHANGES.. What does that mean? I don't know. I use that word a lot and I still don't really know exactly what needs to changes. I mean I have figured a few things out and so far those few things have made my quality of life so much better. The first thing I did was to make sure that I became healthy. I have dieted for sooo many years I bet I have lost 1000 lbs. I never really got it. I finally decided to never diet again,ever. So I haven't I have chosen to eat healthy foods and put away forever the foods that brought me down. Goodbye Dr.Pepper! First thing to go and I just kept on and on replacing old unhealthy foods with fresh foods that make my energy level soar. No more 10 lb bags if sugar going through my house at a alarming rate. I have done it and my family have accepted it as this is now it. This is dinner. Eat it or not.
Because of these small yet extreme changes I have made in my life I have been able to shed a person already . 70 pounds. Well a child. That 70 pounds to me means so much more than the #.
I hated those pounds. I drug myself around hurting with every step I took. I hated my reflection. I thought nonstop about how to get out of that body. Would not go outside. Could not participate in my life. It was going on all around me and I was merely a spectator. My body would not allow me to move quick enough to catch up to all the things going on around me. I was not that person, I knew I was not ,but why was I in there. I was in a fat suit and couldn't get out. Can somebody please unzip me? I found out the hard way that I was that somebody. How many years have I given away to that body? Well, no more! I will fight every bit of it off and live with confidence and conviction as I have to start fresh. As I already have.
Can I with writing about and keeping open lines of communication with my family continue on this path I am on. I have great faith that I can. I can't ever go back there. I lost myself. I am going to make myself more and more aware daily about what it means to be a healthier person. I can diet your ass off, but living a healthy and clean life is something new I have to learn about. I am eager for info. I feel like a sponge absorbing all the info I can on the subject. Health101 that's me sitting at the desk of life trying to reach goals I never thought were possible.
It is time for me to go for the weekend. I'll be back on Monday. I don't know who I am talking to. Maybe noone. Maybe I am talking simply to this blog and if you happen to peek in then, Welcome.
I am becoming my own person this year. Not just "his wife" or "their mother". Boy is it going to be hard for me to step out of those roles just for long enough to see who I am and who I want to be. I am such a people pleaser and have for soo long not ever strayed from that role. It has it's faults. One of them being, you lose yourself. What one needs to keep the fires fueled. You become a robot just doing only for others day after day. Not ever looking that you haven't washed your hair or bought one single thing (just for you) in years. All of a sudden when that people pleaser role is threatened and pulled away you are left standing there with a whole lot of nothing. You question your entire purpose in this life you live.
Believe me I have not figured it all out yet but I am well on my way. For the first time in my life I feel like I have something to say and don't worry about anyones opinion of it,whatever"IT" may be. Who cares? If I don't somehow gain control of just this one person in the world and make the changes necessary then I will be an unhappy person for years to come.
CHANGES.. What does that mean? I don't know. I use that word a lot and I still don't really know exactly what needs to changes. I mean I have figured a few things out and so far those few things have made my quality of life so much better. The first thing I did was to make sure that I became healthy. I have dieted for sooo many years I bet I have lost 1000 lbs. I never really got it. I finally decided to never diet again,ever. So I haven't I have chosen to eat healthy foods and put away forever the foods that brought me down. Goodbye Dr.Pepper! First thing to go and I just kept on and on replacing old unhealthy foods with fresh foods that make my energy level soar. No more 10 lb bags if sugar going through my house at a alarming rate. I have done it and my family have accepted it as this is now it. This is dinner. Eat it or not.
Because of these small yet extreme changes I have made in my life I have been able to shed a person already . 70 pounds. Well a child. That 70 pounds to me means so much more than the #.
I hated those pounds. I drug myself around hurting with every step I took. I hated my reflection. I thought nonstop about how to get out of that body. Would not go outside. Could not participate in my life. It was going on all around me and I was merely a spectator. My body would not allow me to move quick enough to catch up to all the things going on around me. I was not that person, I knew I was not ,but why was I in there. I was in a fat suit and couldn't get out. Can somebody please unzip me? I found out the hard way that I was that somebody. How many years have I given away to that body? Well, no more! I will fight every bit of it off and live with confidence and conviction as I have to start fresh. As I already have.
Can I with writing about and keeping open lines of communication with my family continue on this path I am on. I have great faith that I can. I can't ever go back there. I lost myself. I am going to make myself more and more aware daily about what it means to be a healthier person. I can diet your ass off, but living a healthy and clean life is something new I have to learn about. I am eager for info. I feel like a sponge absorbing all the info I can on the subject. Health101 that's me sitting at the desk of life trying to reach goals I never thought were possible.
It is time for me to go for the weekend. I'll be back on Monday. I don't know who I am talking to. Maybe noone. Maybe I am talking simply to this blog and if you happen to peek in then, Welcome.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Look! Kids, its called grass!
Well the week is winding down and I am looking forward to the weekend. I like my half days on Fridays. That little bit of extra time for me seems like such a bonus for my weekend. I am such a lounger. I could do weekends all the time. I love being home and just chilling, curled up on the couch with my husband having movie marathons or being able to cook those nice heartwarming meals that are so neglected during the week.
It seems harder and harder these days to get my kids outdoors. I dont know if it is the constant electronic in there face or the gloomy weather we have had lately but I hope to change that soon. I noticed just last weekend when I went out to rake the backyard that I was accompanied by my entire family. They did not rake but we were all out there enjoying the beautiful day. Saturday was a gorgeous day, the sun was just warm enough to allow you to enjoy it. Of course I didn't get my legs tan at all. Ugh!
So... this weekend my plan is to get my brand new bike all set for me to ride, seat adjusted and tires inflated. Grab my kids and go for a ride. It has been forever since I have ridden a bike. I am excited about it. A little scared but I am sure once I get on that shiny blue bike with its silver fenders I will be happy as happy can be. My kids also got bikes and mine and my daughters match, my sons is red. We all have helmets. I want them to go farther than they have ever been allowed on there own. My legs may regret it after I get there but it will be well worth the time with my children outdoors. Look! Kids, it's called grass! It's not that bad, yet, but sometimes it seems like it.
Gotta go ... my son missed the bus
It seems harder and harder these days to get my kids outdoors. I dont know if it is the constant electronic in there face or the gloomy weather we have had lately but I hope to change that soon. I noticed just last weekend when I went out to rake the backyard that I was accompanied by my entire family. They did not rake but we were all out there enjoying the beautiful day. Saturday was a gorgeous day, the sun was just warm enough to allow you to enjoy it. Of course I didn't get my legs tan at all. Ugh!
So... this weekend my plan is to get my brand new bike all set for me to ride, seat adjusted and tires inflated. Grab my kids and go for a ride. It has been forever since I have ridden a bike. I am excited about it. A little scared but I am sure once I get on that shiny blue bike with its silver fenders I will be happy as happy can be. My kids also got bikes and mine and my daughters match, my sons is red. We all have helmets. I want them to go farther than they have ever been allowed on there own. My legs may regret it after I get there but it will be well worth the time with my children outdoors. Look! Kids, it's called grass! It's not that bad, yet, but sometimes it seems like it.
Gotta go ... my son missed the bus
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
BANDAIDS AND BEETLEJUICE
When I think about the few true friends I do have, and how protective I feel about them it becomes almost maternal in some way. I can't stand to see any of them hurt or make truly bad decisions. I have spent years with these people, who have carved a nice comfy spot in my heart. Time away doesn't seem to change anything. You reconnect and you know.
I have many diferent types of friends in my life all very different in there own unique way. Ages vary from the youngest of my friends being 16 (Poopie) and the oldest, oh I dont even know. I have always been very guarded about who I let in my life. I don't really need "new" friends. I have some of the best as it is. So what could someone new offer.
In my opinion old friends are the greatest. They know you and love you know matter what you look like that day or what kinda crappy mood you are in. It is all understood. In my experience and with my sorted past I definately can't afford to have friends that might judge me in any way. That may be why I don't make a lot of new friends. There are those special few that do creep in, and before you know it you have a new friend. But you know even those people seem in some way like you have known them longer than you have. It is a natural progression,no thought to it at all.
I like looking forward to seeing my friends. I like the anticipation of having a really good time together even if it is nothing but a wild goose chase car ride looking for ghosts from our past. Too many cigarrettes that leaves your throat burning and your clothes reeking. Was it fun? Yeah! Would I do it again? In a sec.
I guess my point today after reading a friends blog. Pain and sorrow transfers to me when I feel kindred with another. I am sorry for the sadness and resentment and the raw emotion that comes from those words I read. I can not comprehend the pain . I am sorry for the pain and wish there was something as simple as a scooby-doo bandaid that could fix it.
I am afraid time will be the ultimate healing this wound needs. It does get better. I know you are out there. KNOW that YOU have friends here in this town that are thinking about you as you go on this journey. Friend.
Life passes us by all too quickly. There is really and truly no time to hold resentment. It is a waste of your spirit and makes one seem weighted down. Let it go, see what happens and I think you may find that there is truly light at the end of the tunnel waiting for you to go through to the other side of this horrible place you are in. Makes me think of the movie Beetlejuice when the couple feels they must go outside and knowing that there was nothing outside that door but red hot sun and sand and that horrible worm with all the teeth. Why torture yourself when you don't have to. Stay close to what is good and warm and homey, if only for a little while. Until the battle wounds heal and you are ready to go out there and fight through the muck to get to the good stuff.
I have many diferent types of friends in my life all very different in there own unique way. Ages vary from the youngest of my friends being 16 (Poopie) and the oldest, oh I dont even know. I have always been very guarded about who I let in my life. I don't really need "new" friends. I have some of the best as it is. So what could someone new offer.
In my opinion old friends are the greatest. They know you and love you know matter what you look like that day or what kinda crappy mood you are in. It is all understood. In my experience and with my sorted past I definately can't afford to have friends that might judge me in any way. That may be why I don't make a lot of new friends. There are those special few that do creep in, and before you know it you have a new friend. But you know even those people seem in some way like you have known them longer than you have. It is a natural progression,no thought to it at all.
I like looking forward to seeing my friends. I like the anticipation of having a really good time together even if it is nothing but a wild goose chase car ride looking for ghosts from our past. Too many cigarrettes that leaves your throat burning and your clothes reeking. Was it fun? Yeah! Would I do it again? In a sec.
I guess my point today after reading a friends blog. Pain and sorrow transfers to me when I feel kindred with another. I am sorry for the sadness and resentment and the raw emotion that comes from those words I read. I can not comprehend the pain . I am sorry for the pain and wish there was something as simple as a scooby-doo bandaid that could fix it.
I am afraid time will be the ultimate healing this wound needs. It does get better. I know you are out there. KNOW that YOU have friends here in this town that are thinking about you as you go on this journey. Friend.
Life passes us by all too quickly. There is really and truly no time to hold resentment. It is a waste of your spirit and makes one seem weighted down. Let it go, see what happens and I think you may find that there is truly light at the end of the tunnel waiting for you to go through to the other side of this horrible place you are in. Makes me think of the movie Beetlejuice when the couple feels they must go outside and knowing that there was nothing outside that door but red hot sun and sand and that horrible worm with all the teeth. Why torture yourself when you don't have to. Stay close to what is good and warm and homey, if only for a little while. Until the battle wounds heal and you are ready to go out there and fight through the muck to get to the good stuff.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
CRAMPED IN A CUBICLE
It is a truly gloomy day today, the clouds are dark and giving up some sprinkles. Cold enough for me that I can't get my bones warm. Makes me feel as gloomy as it looks outside. I am trying to keep my head in my work and not look up but it is proving to be impossible. I would rather be at home wrapped up in my new quilt reading a book in my big comfy chair that I love so much. There is something about a oversized, overstuffed chair that makes me feel small and young like a kid must in adult sized furniture. I spend most of my liesure time in that chair and I want to be there right now.
Wake up!
I am at work daydreaming, lots to do but my head isn't there yet. I must need to take a minute to clear my head and get focused on my daily duties. My job is a very boring job and if it wasn't for the fact that I can get away for a few minutes at a time to IM a friend or read emails I am not sure if it would be a great choice for me. I am so close to home though. 5 minutes max and being that close and available for my kiddos is what makes me love my job. It is not the work ,as it is not rewarding in any way. I wish I could choose that awesome thing I could do with my life. What would it be? So many options, I would like to open my own restaurant and serve all my favorite recipes that are tried and true. I know it would be a success,but it takes money to make money and money is one thing I do not have.
I would also like to just be a housewife again. That opens up many doors for me that would allow me to explore. Such as my talents in art that have been pushed way to the back of my preverbial closet. All those skills I once had are very dusty and need definate attention. There is no time or space in my life to pull that out right now. Maybe one day when the kids are grown and Jeff has his degree I can stop working, we can downsize greatly and I can get that time to myself to explore all the talents I have hidden in me. Just to not have to feel like I am cramped in a cubicle pushing the same buttons over and over and over and over, day after day after day.
We will get there. We have a plan. A plan for happiness. A plan for the future. One that will make the both of us feel free again from the hum drum life we are in. We are definately sacrificing alot right now so our children can have a good upbringing and not have to suffer too much.
We do have a happy home. Lot's of singing and dancing and shakin that booty in the kitchen. I do not bring my work home. It is not important to me. Not after 5 that is. I like to come home and make my evening as good of one as possible. My kids are funny, like to laugh, tell jokes, cook, dance and sing. they certainly make my long boring day worth while when I make it home. Whether I am in a great mood or not they are so consistent with the love they bring each day as I walk through the door.
Well I am definately feeling a lot better and I guess I am ready to bury my head in the work that is in front of me. Rain, Rain, go away come again some other day. I need the sun to shine on me. Maybe tomorrow.
Wake up!
I am at work daydreaming, lots to do but my head isn't there yet. I must need to take a minute to clear my head and get focused on my daily duties. My job is a very boring job and if it wasn't for the fact that I can get away for a few minutes at a time to IM a friend or read emails I am not sure if it would be a great choice for me. I am so close to home though. 5 minutes max and being that close and available for my kiddos is what makes me love my job. It is not the work ,as it is not rewarding in any way. I wish I could choose that awesome thing I could do with my life. What would it be? So many options, I would like to open my own restaurant and serve all my favorite recipes that are tried and true. I know it would be a success,but it takes money to make money and money is one thing I do not have.
I would also like to just be a housewife again. That opens up many doors for me that would allow me to explore. Such as my talents in art that have been pushed way to the back of my preverbial closet. All those skills I once had are very dusty and need definate attention. There is no time or space in my life to pull that out right now. Maybe one day when the kids are grown and Jeff has his degree I can stop working, we can downsize greatly and I can get that time to myself to explore all the talents I have hidden in me. Just to not have to feel like I am cramped in a cubicle pushing the same buttons over and over and over and over, day after day after day.
We will get there. We have a plan. A plan for happiness. A plan for the future. One that will make the both of us feel free again from the hum drum life we are in. We are definately sacrificing alot right now so our children can have a good upbringing and not have to suffer too much.
We do have a happy home. Lot's of singing and dancing and shakin that booty in the kitchen. I do not bring my work home. It is not important to me. Not after 5 that is. I like to come home and make my evening as good of one as possible. My kids are funny, like to laugh, tell jokes, cook, dance and sing. they certainly make my long boring day worth while when I make it home. Whether I am in a great mood or not they are so consistent with the love they bring each day as I walk through the door.
Well I am definately feeling a lot better and I guess I am ready to bury my head in the work that is in front of me. Rain, Rain, go away come again some other day. I need the sun to shine on me. Maybe tomorrow.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Beyond the fog is gratitude
Here I am on the 5th day of Januaury and haven't had a cigarrette since Dec.31.... It was touch and go for a few days but I am starting to feel a lot better and have been keeping myself very busy. Cleaning, raking, excercising all weekend .
It worked! I did not have to eat a bunch of food..which is different for me compared to when I have quit in the past.
I already feel like I can excercise harder and breathe better. I am really trying hard to talk myself into this. Who am I kidding? Do I want to smoke? Uh, Yeah...I think about it a lot. I have kinda been like a crazy woman trying my hardest not to think about it.
So here I am and I can not let smoking consume me. I am vowing to think and talk and blog about more important things in life. Screw cigs. Wasting my time.
I have this beautiful family that loves me and each other. I am crazy about my husband and think he is truly a beautiful man with a huge loving heart. We have children that reflect just that. Very kind ,sincere, honest and of course funny. I love to watch our family as we coexist in our home. For the most part it is a freeflowing event. We all seem to have respect for bounderies and except for a few bumps in the road I would have to say that I think we are all friends and love one another very much.
Gratitude is the word that comes to mind. I am soo grateful for them and that we can go through all these storms of life and come out on the other side changed but not scarred. Grateful for what we have and carry no resentment with it.
It worked! I did not have to eat a bunch of food..which is different for me compared to when I have quit in the past.
I already feel like I can excercise harder and breathe better. I am really trying hard to talk myself into this. Who am I kidding? Do I want to smoke? Uh, Yeah...I think about it a lot. I have kinda been like a crazy woman trying my hardest not to think about it.
So here I am and I can not let smoking consume me. I am vowing to think and talk and blog about more important things in life. Screw cigs. Wasting my time.
I have this beautiful family that loves me and each other. I am crazy about my husband and think he is truly a beautiful man with a huge loving heart. We have children that reflect just that. Very kind ,sincere, honest and of course funny. I love to watch our family as we coexist in our home. For the most part it is a freeflowing event. We all seem to have respect for bounderies and except for a few bumps in the road I would have to say that I think we are all friends and love one another very much.
Gratitude is the word that comes to mind. I am soo grateful for them and that we can go through all these storms of life and come out on the other side changed but not scarred. Grateful for what we have and carry no resentment with it.
Friday, January 2, 2009
34 HOURS, 9 MINUTES AND 43 SECONDS
I quit smoking and it hurts. The countdown is on to a little bit of sanity. All my thoughts are of smoking. We have a love hate relationship that started when I was only 14 years old. I do not want to smoke but my body is fighting it right now. I know these irrational thoughts will pass. I know the severe mood swings I am experiencing will also go away. I need to hang on tight.
For as long as I can remember I have wanted to smoke. I remember being a small child, 6 years old and the man across the street would smoke while he did his lawn work. I would watch him. He smoked the kind of ciggarettes that had the plastic tip on the filter. When he was safe back in his house I would go over at 6 years old and take those ciggarettes and try to smoke them. This behavior has been with me always. I would get in trouble from my daddy for buying the candy cigs as a child. I still remember the speech. "Do you want to smoke!?" blah blah blah
Well here I am 33 years later still craving that thing that ciggarettes give me. It can't just be nicotine. I has to be more . More to it. Such as how it feels to hold it, to flick my ashes. Ever notice how people hold, put out and flick there ciggarettes differently. It's the learned behavior we hold on to. Develop and and make our own. What a horrible habit. I know it. I am quiting. I have quit again,but for some reason this time it seems to hurt a bit more than usual.
Things have changed for me. I have completely changed my eating habits and boy that doesn't help me when I am craving a smoke. I am having to think outside the box. I have always done the same thing. Everytime I quit I replace that need with Dr. Pepper and candy or something totally empty and full of calories. Well, that part of my life is over so here I am a complete wreck trying to search for the next best thing to do. All I really want to do is cry. I have already done my share of that as I cleaned my house, unecessarily so, last night. Scrubbed and cried. I did not smoke though and I did not eat over it.
So what is this void I need to fill. How do I find it or do I just keep filling it with something eventually when I have felt empty long enough. I don't know. I consider myself a very smart woman with excellent common sense. So why is, or what is it that makes me feel as if I HAVE to smoke and if I can't do that then I MUST eat. I mean come on. Is it just straightup addiction and that is it. I try to search for the one thing I am hurting from. I don't find it. Of course I have been hurt alot but I really feel I have come to terms with these issues. Accepted what has happened in my life as just that. LIFE.
I expect to start feeling better by tomorrow, maybe a little at least. For today though I am counting down the hours minutes and seconds to find relief.
God save the Queen
For as long as I can remember I have wanted to smoke. I remember being a small child, 6 years old and the man across the street would smoke while he did his lawn work. I would watch him. He smoked the kind of ciggarettes that had the plastic tip on the filter. When he was safe back in his house I would go over at 6 years old and take those ciggarettes and try to smoke them. This behavior has been with me always. I would get in trouble from my daddy for buying the candy cigs as a child. I still remember the speech. "Do you want to smoke!?" blah blah blah
Well here I am 33 years later still craving that thing that ciggarettes give me. It can't just be nicotine. I has to be more . More to it. Such as how it feels to hold it, to flick my ashes. Ever notice how people hold, put out and flick there ciggarettes differently. It's the learned behavior we hold on to. Develop and and make our own. What a horrible habit. I know it. I am quiting. I have quit again,but for some reason this time it seems to hurt a bit more than usual.
Things have changed for me. I have completely changed my eating habits and boy that doesn't help me when I am craving a smoke. I am having to think outside the box. I have always done the same thing. Everytime I quit I replace that need with Dr. Pepper and candy or something totally empty and full of calories. Well, that part of my life is over so here I am a complete wreck trying to search for the next best thing to do. All I really want to do is cry. I have already done my share of that as I cleaned my house, unecessarily so, last night. Scrubbed and cried. I did not smoke though and I did not eat over it.
So what is this void I need to fill. How do I find it or do I just keep filling it with something eventually when I have felt empty long enough. I don't know. I consider myself a very smart woman with excellent common sense. So why is, or what is it that makes me feel as if I HAVE to smoke and if I can't do that then I MUST eat. I mean come on. Is it just straightup addiction and that is it. I try to search for the one thing I am hurting from. I don't find it. Of course I have been hurt alot but I really feel I have come to terms with these issues. Accepted what has happened in my life as just that. LIFE.
I expect to start feeling better by tomorrow, maybe a little at least. For today though I am counting down the hours minutes and seconds to find relief.
God save the Queen
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
GOODBYE 2008
I am happy to be saying goodbye to this hard cold year. I am ready for new beginnings and it seems like the perfect opportunity for me to set my path with a brand new year. Although I try to live my life without regrets, and truly believe that every thing does happen for a reason ,even if you don't understand it at the moment. That, does not make it any easier to experience the bad times that I have endured in 2008. Wash it away...but..should I? Need I forget the pain? Need I forget the teetering on the edge that made me change my life for the better? I don't think I should. For fear of reliving the same mistakes. I couldnt bear it. The results may not be the same and for today they are headed on the right path.
So goodbye 2008. Goodbye all the tears. Goodbye all the fears. Goodbye letting the world pass me by. Goodbye resentment and pain. Tommorrow is a brand new day and I look forward to making my own destiny .
Heres to love and life, friends old and new. Heres to getting up and out and seeing the small piece of world I have been neglecting. Heres to happy children and a happy mama and daddy. I welcome this new year with open arms.
Happy New Year ....welcome 2009
So goodbye 2008. Goodbye all the tears. Goodbye all the fears. Goodbye letting the world pass me by. Goodbye resentment and pain. Tommorrow is a brand new day and I look forward to making my own destiny .
Heres to love and life, friends old and new. Heres to getting up and out and seeing the small piece of world I have been neglecting. Heres to happy children and a happy mama and daddy. I welcome this new year with open arms.
Happy New Year ....welcome 2009
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
LUNCH WITH THE GIRLS
I find it very refreshing to be able to get away for even just an hour and have lunch with my girlfriends. I find it is a part of my life that I neglect. Nourishing my friendships. There is so much to be learned from them. The laughter alone is therapeutic. As I sat at lunch today I was amazed how we are almost all on the same page. Trying to change. All being mothers and wives and all of us having spent most of that time neglecting ourselves physically and emotionally for years on end. It is like we all have had this one moment in our lives that sparked this urgency to do more.
Change...it is sooo hard to do. We get stuck, complacent not knowing how or what to do. Then...one begins the process, you see the transformation and it just becomes an absolute . You HAVE to be a part of it. We all go our separate ways, living our lives, and then months have gone by. One call and it's "Let's have lunch."
So there we sit looking different, feeling different. Never stopped talking. The hour was soo short. I have to make this last, this time spent together, as women on a mission. I feel very strongly about it and want it to be everlasting. All of it, from the weight I have lost and the weight I need to lose, to the love in my life that grows bigger than one can imagine. The old saying is true. You can't love anyone if you don't love yourself.
Here I am today laying it out. I need change! I need to make change happen. It is all important and I now can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know I could not do this without the help and support of my girlfriend. They are lovely divas. Each one of them so different. They are truly an eclectic group of people that I surround myself with. I am a lucky girl.
Change...it is sooo hard to do. We get stuck, complacent not knowing how or what to do. Then...one begins the process, you see the transformation and it just becomes an absolute . You HAVE to be a part of it. We all go our separate ways, living our lives, and then months have gone by. One call and it's "Let's have lunch."
So there we sit looking different, feeling different. Never stopped talking. The hour was soo short. I have to make this last, this time spent together, as women on a mission. I feel very strongly about it and want it to be everlasting. All of it, from the weight I have lost and the weight I need to lose, to the love in my life that grows bigger than one can imagine. The old saying is true. You can't love anyone if you don't love yourself.
Here I am today laying it out. I need change! I need to make change happen. It is all important and I now can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know I could not do this without the help and support of my girlfriend. They are lovely divas. Each one of them so different. They are truly an eclectic group of people that I surround myself with. I am a lucky girl.
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