It is a truly gloomy day today, the clouds are dark and giving up some sprinkles. Cold enough for me that I can't get my bones warm. Makes me feel as gloomy as it looks outside. I am trying to keep my head in my work and not look up but it is proving to be impossible. I would rather be at home wrapped up in my new quilt reading a book in my big comfy chair that I love so much. There is something about a oversized, overstuffed chair that makes me feel small and young like a kid must in adult sized furniture. I spend most of my liesure time in that chair and I want to be there right now.
Wake up!
I am at work daydreaming, lots to do but my head isn't there yet. I must need to take a minute to clear my head and get focused on my daily duties. My job is a very boring job and if it wasn't for the fact that I can get away for a few minutes at a time to IM a friend or read emails I am not sure if it would be a great choice for me. I am so close to home though. 5 minutes max and being that close and available for my kiddos is what makes me love my job. It is not the work ,as it is not rewarding in any way. I wish I could choose that awesome thing I could do with my life. What would it be? So many options, I would like to open my own restaurant and serve all my favorite recipes that are tried and true. I know it would be a success,but it takes money to make money and money is one thing I do not have.
I would also like to just be a housewife again. That opens up many doors for me that would allow me to explore. Such as my talents in art that have been pushed way to the back of my preverbial closet. All those skills I once had are very dusty and need definate attention. There is no time or space in my life to pull that out right now. Maybe one day when the kids are grown and Jeff has his degree I can stop working, we can downsize greatly and I can get that time to myself to explore all the talents I have hidden in me. Just to not have to feel like I am cramped in a cubicle pushing the same buttons over and over and over and over, day after day after day.
We will get there. We have a plan. A plan for happiness. A plan for the future. One that will make the both of us feel free again from the hum drum life we are in. We are definately sacrificing alot right now so our children can have a good upbringing and not have to suffer too much.
We do have a happy home. Lot's of singing and dancing and shakin that booty in the kitchen. I do not bring my work home. It is not important to me. Not after 5 that is. I like to come home and make my evening as good of one as possible. My kids are funny, like to laugh, tell jokes, cook, dance and sing. they certainly make my long boring day worth while when I make it home. Whether I am in a great mood or not they are so consistent with the love they bring each day as I walk through the door.
Well I am definately feeling a lot better and I guess I am ready to bury my head in the work that is in front of me. Rain, Rain, go away come again some other day. I need the sun to shine on me. Maybe tomorrow.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Monday, January 5, 2009
Beyond the fog is gratitude
Here I am on the 5th day of Januaury and haven't had a cigarrette since Dec.31.... It was touch and go for a few days but I am starting to feel a lot better and have been keeping myself very busy. Cleaning, raking, excercising all weekend .
It worked! I did not have to eat a bunch of food..which is different for me compared to when I have quit in the past.
I already feel like I can excercise harder and breathe better. I am really trying hard to talk myself into this. Who am I kidding? Do I want to smoke? Uh, Yeah...I think about it a lot. I have kinda been like a crazy woman trying my hardest not to think about it.
So here I am and I can not let smoking consume me. I am vowing to think and talk and blog about more important things in life. Screw cigs. Wasting my time.
I have this beautiful family that loves me and each other. I am crazy about my husband and think he is truly a beautiful man with a huge loving heart. We have children that reflect just that. Very kind ,sincere, honest and of course funny. I love to watch our family as we coexist in our home. For the most part it is a freeflowing event. We all seem to have respect for bounderies and except for a few bumps in the road I would have to say that I think we are all friends and love one another very much.
Gratitude is the word that comes to mind. I am soo grateful for them and that we can go through all these storms of life and come out on the other side changed but not scarred. Grateful for what we have and carry no resentment with it.
It worked! I did not have to eat a bunch of food..which is different for me compared to when I have quit in the past.
I already feel like I can excercise harder and breathe better. I am really trying hard to talk myself into this. Who am I kidding? Do I want to smoke? Uh, Yeah...I think about it a lot. I have kinda been like a crazy woman trying my hardest not to think about it.
So here I am and I can not let smoking consume me. I am vowing to think and talk and blog about more important things in life. Screw cigs. Wasting my time.
I have this beautiful family that loves me and each other. I am crazy about my husband and think he is truly a beautiful man with a huge loving heart. We have children that reflect just that. Very kind ,sincere, honest and of course funny. I love to watch our family as we coexist in our home. For the most part it is a freeflowing event. We all seem to have respect for bounderies and except for a few bumps in the road I would have to say that I think we are all friends and love one another very much.
Gratitude is the word that comes to mind. I am soo grateful for them and that we can go through all these storms of life and come out on the other side changed but not scarred. Grateful for what we have and carry no resentment with it.
Friday, January 2, 2009
34 HOURS, 9 MINUTES AND 43 SECONDS
I quit smoking and it hurts. The countdown is on to a little bit of sanity. All my thoughts are of smoking. We have a love hate relationship that started when I was only 14 years old. I do not want to smoke but my body is fighting it right now. I know these irrational thoughts will pass. I know the severe mood swings I am experiencing will also go away. I need to hang on tight.
For as long as I can remember I have wanted to smoke. I remember being a small child, 6 years old and the man across the street would smoke while he did his lawn work. I would watch him. He smoked the kind of ciggarettes that had the plastic tip on the filter. When he was safe back in his house I would go over at 6 years old and take those ciggarettes and try to smoke them. This behavior has been with me always. I would get in trouble from my daddy for buying the candy cigs as a child. I still remember the speech. "Do you want to smoke!?" blah blah blah
Well here I am 33 years later still craving that thing that ciggarettes give me. It can't just be nicotine. I has to be more . More to it. Such as how it feels to hold it, to flick my ashes. Ever notice how people hold, put out and flick there ciggarettes differently. It's the learned behavior we hold on to. Develop and and make our own. What a horrible habit. I know it. I am quiting. I have quit again,but for some reason this time it seems to hurt a bit more than usual.
Things have changed for me. I have completely changed my eating habits and boy that doesn't help me when I am craving a smoke. I am having to think outside the box. I have always done the same thing. Everytime I quit I replace that need with Dr. Pepper and candy or something totally empty and full of calories. Well, that part of my life is over so here I am a complete wreck trying to search for the next best thing to do. All I really want to do is cry. I have already done my share of that as I cleaned my house, unecessarily so, last night. Scrubbed and cried. I did not smoke though and I did not eat over it.
So what is this void I need to fill. How do I find it or do I just keep filling it with something eventually when I have felt empty long enough. I don't know. I consider myself a very smart woman with excellent common sense. So why is, or what is it that makes me feel as if I HAVE to smoke and if I can't do that then I MUST eat. I mean come on. Is it just straightup addiction and that is it. I try to search for the one thing I am hurting from. I don't find it. Of course I have been hurt alot but I really feel I have come to terms with these issues. Accepted what has happened in my life as just that. LIFE.
I expect to start feeling better by tomorrow, maybe a little at least. For today though I am counting down the hours minutes and seconds to find relief.
God save the Queen
For as long as I can remember I have wanted to smoke. I remember being a small child, 6 years old and the man across the street would smoke while he did his lawn work. I would watch him. He smoked the kind of ciggarettes that had the plastic tip on the filter. When he was safe back in his house I would go over at 6 years old and take those ciggarettes and try to smoke them. This behavior has been with me always. I would get in trouble from my daddy for buying the candy cigs as a child. I still remember the speech. "Do you want to smoke!?" blah blah blah
Well here I am 33 years later still craving that thing that ciggarettes give me. It can't just be nicotine. I has to be more . More to it. Such as how it feels to hold it, to flick my ashes. Ever notice how people hold, put out and flick there ciggarettes differently. It's the learned behavior we hold on to. Develop and and make our own. What a horrible habit. I know it. I am quiting. I have quit again,but for some reason this time it seems to hurt a bit more than usual.
Things have changed for me. I have completely changed my eating habits and boy that doesn't help me when I am craving a smoke. I am having to think outside the box. I have always done the same thing. Everytime I quit I replace that need with Dr. Pepper and candy or something totally empty and full of calories. Well, that part of my life is over so here I am a complete wreck trying to search for the next best thing to do. All I really want to do is cry. I have already done my share of that as I cleaned my house, unecessarily so, last night. Scrubbed and cried. I did not smoke though and I did not eat over it.
So what is this void I need to fill. How do I find it or do I just keep filling it with something eventually when I have felt empty long enough. I don't know. I consider myself a very smart woman with excellent common sense. So why is, or what is it that makes me feel as if I HAVE to smoke and if I can't do that then I MUST eat. I mean come on. Is it just straightup addiction and that is it. I try to search for the one thing I am hurting from. I don't find it. Of course I have been hurt alot but I really feel I have come to terms with these issues. Accepted what has happened in my life as just that. LIFE.
I expect to start feeling better by tomorrow, maybe a little at least. For today though I am counting down the hours minutes and seconds to find relief.
God save the Queen
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
GOODBYE 2008
I am happy to be saying goodbye to this hard cold year. I am ready for new beginnings and it seems like the perfect opportunity for me to set my path with a brand new year. Although I try to live my life without regrets, and truly believe that every thing does happen for a reason ,even if you don't understand it at the moment. That, does not make it any easier to experience the bad times that I have endured in 2008. Wash it away...but..should I? Need I forget the pain? Need I forget the teetering on the edge that made me change my life for the better? I don't think I should. For fear of reliving the same mistakes. I couldnt bear it. The results may not be the same and for today they are headed on the right path.
So goodbye 2008. Goodbye all the tears. Goodbye all the fears. Goodbye letting the world pass me by. Goodbye resentment and pain. Tommorrow is a brand new day and I look forward to making my own destiny .
Heres to love and life, friends old and new. Heres to getting up and out and seeing the small piece of world I have been neglecting. Heres to happy children and a happy mama and daddy. I welcome this new year with open arms.
Happy New Year ....welcome 2009
So goodbye 2008. Goodbye all the tears. Goodbye all the fears. Goodbye letting the world pass me by. Goodbye resentment and pain. Tommorrow is a brand new day and I look forward to making my own destiny .
Heres to love and life, friends old and new. Heres to getting up and out and seeing the small piece of world I have been neglecting. Heres to happy children and a happy mama and daddy. I welcome this new year with open arms.
Happy New Year ....welcome 2009
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
LUNCH WITH THE GIRLS
I find it very refreshing to be able to get away for even just an hour and have lunch with my girlfriends. I find it is a part of my life that I neglect. Nourishing my friendships. There is so much to be learned from them. The laughter alone is therapeutic. As I sat at lunch today I was amazed how we are almost all on the same page. Trying to change. All being mothers and wives and all of us having spent most of that time neglecting ourselves physically and emotionally for years on end. It is like we all have had this one moment in our lives that sparked this urgency to do more.
Change...it is sooo hard to do. We get stuck, complacent not knowing how or what to do. Then...one begins the process, you see the transformation and it just becomes an absolute . You HAVE to be a part of it. We all go our separate ways, living our lives, and then months have gone by. One call and it's "Let's have lunch."
So there we sit looking different, feeling different. Never stopped talking. The hour was soo short. I have to make this last, this time spent together, as women on a mission. I feel very strongly about it and want it to be everlasting. All of it, from the weight I have lost and the weight I need to lose, to the love in my life that grows bigger than one can imagine. The old saying is true. You can't love anyone if you don't love yourself.
Here I am today laying it out. I need change! I need to make change happen. It is all important and I now can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know I could not do this without the help and support of my girlfriend. They are lovely divas. Each one of them so different. They are truly an eclectic group of people that I surround myself with. I am a lucky girl.
Change...it is sooo hard to do. We get stuck, complacent not knowing how or what to do. Then...one begins the process, you see the transformation and it just becomes an absolute . You HAVE to be a part of it. We all go our separate ways, living our lives, and then months have gone by. One call and it's "Let's have lunch."
So there we sit looking different, feeling different. Never stopped talking. The hour was soo short. I have to make this last, this time spent together, as women on a mission. I feel very strongly about it and want it to be everlasting. All of it, from the weight I have lost and the weight I need to lose, to the love in my life that grows bigger than one can imagine. The old saying is true. You can't love anyone if you don't love yourself.
Here I am today laying it out. I need change! I need to make change happen. It is all important and I now can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know I could not do this without the help and support of my girlfriend. They are lovely divas. Each one of them so different. They are truly an eclectic group of people that I surround myself with. I am a lucky girl.
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