rambling bambling scrap of crap but i will post this stupidity anyway because i wrote it , is the title.

A month has passed since I've last written...Although I posted this last post today I remember that day and in some way I was brought back here having another day reminiscent of that one...not quite the hysteria as previously...but yea the tears...feeling misunderstood by most and not able to gather up my words in time to explain when things go awry..Again feeling the weight of relationships...realizing why it was i no longer believe in love...the whole love never fails thing...oh lord please....who am I kidding...not myself...I knew this and find I am weak to it at all times...it is my kryptonite...love is sooo wonderfully attractive from afar...am i right? come on you know i'm right...the days of my parents are long gone...i think most people have skeletons and i think that is ok...depending way too long upon other humans to make me feel a certain way and they always will it just may not be the way you want to feel...why is that a draw for me...why do i need affirmation...part of my personality traits I know...but dang it gets on my nerves...I dont know where I am going with this post other than I am struggling to find my place...all is coming together well I am settled...I like my home.. I am gardening..
Thoughts of greener grass always looming in my head..

too long ago written to not post but never finished that day...i shall look back later...

The past few days have been unbearable in so many ways...I can only describe myself as Chicken Little...I am literally panicking at every turn thinking that the sky is falling..I over analyze things to the point where there is no way i can actually live up to the expectations I put upon myself..why i choose to torture myself i haven't figured out...on some level i can not control it...yesterday was the worst and the first day i have ever had like this one...before the day ever began it was doomed in my mind...the was a thick heavy fog laying across my brain not allowing me to see clearly that the sky indeed was not falling...showered and as ready as i could have been i set out to work and the slightest anything something as simple as not getting the correct goodbye as i left the house set me into full swing...crying..i started crying right at that moment...8:00 a.m. sat at my desk completely full to the top with tears...pouring out one at a time with out any efforts..dropping big drops on my shirt as i try to work through it...trying to figure out who was to blame for all of this mess i was feeling...lashing out desperately to blame...something bad had to have happened to me to make me feel this way...

It became perfectly clear to me that i was not going to get much better at that desk..something needed to happen...no longer being able to focus on anything other than the fact that i was obviously miserable i set out for lunch...not making to my car in the parking lot before the tears blurred my vision. my face was distorted from trying hard not to cry...what happened? what is happening? no control over this emotion that is flooding me...taken over from the inside out...i was a physical representation of what my heart was feeling at the moment ... pain..sadness..loneliness...

A complete wreck at best...almost begging my own mind for some relief from this pain which i didn't understand...although i did not understand it ...i know myself well enough to know it was real...i had to think...it hurt to think...the sobs came in waves....crashing against me to the point where i found i was breathless...i was drowning in sorrow...truly caught in a whirlpool of....what?

The day wore on... I could not recover...I lay in bed for hours alone at home crying out loud....letting it go....thinking all along...What is it? Why am I? What is wrong? What do I do now?I didn't know what to do...so I did nothing...I let it go..I let the tears and the sobs and the whines and sorrow pour from me...not being able to remember the last time I cried this way...my soul was more than leaking...for a moment, the dam had broken...

"What is your breaking point?" I remember that question being asked to me...my answer at the time was very idealistic...I replied with a "I think if a person is able to release the pressure daily from their lives through talking to others then it never builds enough for a person to break." For me at that moment I believed that...some parts of me still do...the problem with that statement as I can see it now that I have it written is..." through talking to others" ....that means i am dependent on others to help me... not so uncommon...also not the responsibility of others to make sure I am okay...if and when that connection is lost...finding yourself stagnate is easy...i was there...i was in a pit of sadness and although i knew i was going to be okay...i wanted to know what in the world was going on with me...this was me...my physical being...taken over by an emotional state...

I'm not sure at what point during this whole "episode" that i was able to pull myself up enough to realize

Whack-a-Mole

Seems to me that this thing I have pulls me in every direction...As soon as I think I have one thing in order another something or other pops up and is just as much of a struggle as the first...constant battles in my head...constant decisions being made in my head...what not to do...what is good for me...What is just plain ridiculous to consider...

It happens daily..this mental fight to keep on the proverbial straight and narrow path...my path...what is that? How do I believe that a path is set forth for me... from my experience I've learned that I am forging my own way...If I make a wrong turn in life and find myself tangled up in the nasty web I weave for myself, then it is up to me to find my way back...Hardly ever making it back with out a bruise or a scratch...but almost always coming back to a more open a clear way...

why are all the nooks and crannies of my path so appealing? I do not understand it..i do not know how to fix it...i keep wandering off path and it is making my life a two steps forward one step back process...will there ever be a clear opening for me to move ahead leaps and bounds as a whole person? will I ever feel like I don't have a monkey on my back...I swear it makes me nuts at times...I am being pulled...my mind pulls me...tells me how much I am going to need this or want that...This ugly head is sticking out...Feelings of accomplishment are quickly swept away as I can never in my mind not think about what is wrong...What is wrong? I can't think of too much...I have made some very strong choices in this past year of my life...I stand by my choices...

That i should be proud of but i have been raised to have the" glass is half empty" perspective...my loving father taught me that...He would say expect the worst, and if it doesn't turn out to be the worst then that is a good thing...Is that any way to be? I guess it is... I use this method...It works but not without complications of the mind...I am very frustrated with myself... tired of my mind playing tricks on me telling me lies...making me feel weak and unworthy of all the good life has to offer...I fight this fight everyday....I do not believe it...it just keeps coming...that confirms in me that this is bigger than just me...this is a battle against me...i am going to have to fight this battle for many many years to come..if not forever...this thing i have...it is all piled into one word...addiction...not very telling of what that actually means...it is nuts...it is lying...to yourself...it is believing the lies....it is a chameleon...changing forms as fast as you can try and give it up...it switches...i am constantly pounding down all the ugly heads that rear up trying to delight in this sickness....pick me! pick me! whether it is smoking, drinking, drugs, food, money, sex, any and all...wanting to be the next in line for abuse....give me a break already...constantly having to play whack-a-mole in my head...telling the thoughts in my head to SHUT THE FUCK UP!

I really work hard at being a healthy person...i do not ever try and be normal...that was a disaster...so i sit and argue in my head that ..no you don't need that and no you cant have that and no this is no longer an option for me...It is like the thing is a toddler running around rampant in your house grabbing everything in sight only to turn to you knowing...full well knowing, it is wrong and you must put it down....but it never stops trying...if i sit and think hard, hard, hard past the lies my mind tells me about myself i can see that i am spinning my wheels actually...i do accept that this is who i am...i could not know any other way...i often wonder if i am the only one out there that feels this way....i do not hear many people talk about this...not in this way...it does not go away...i have done all the meetings that life has to offer and still in all that waste of my time I have found that I just switch to something else...

Smoking...Eating...my two biggest... I gave smoking up at the new year and have not once cheated...I do not like to smoke I do not like to stink...Well, that part of me that likes to smoke is pissed....and i mean very pissed...making quite the ruckus in my head actually...waking all the others...as they poke their heads out to see if I am wanting to be with them for a while...I really am not crazy....I know this sounds a little split personality... I am talking about one thing...addiction and how it moves through me trying to abuse any area of my life at any given moment...I am not hungry! I do not need a smoke! Things are not nearly as bad as this greedy thing wants to make my life out to be...I know this but, I have this other part of me telling me otherwise... It sucks...So here I am trying to knock down the ugly heads that rear...Cigarettes...NO!...Food pops up...NO!...I think these two things for me have been my longest running addictions and they do not like being told NO...

I am exhausted and weary...I am trying my hardest to not succumb to the sweet nothings they whisper in my ear... I am here today because of them and in an attempt to take the power out of these things with my words...I am a powerful woman..I have struggled through a lot and have fought through more than this so why would something as simple as a Girl Scout cookie send me reeling...I wandered that path and quickly very quickly saw that I was at a dead end...one that was very very familiar...once lured in I am left sitting...in my own woes....hating ..despising...frustrated and scared shitless about not being able to find my way back to reality...I am not that person...I am not that girl that has to have SOMETHING ANYTHING to make me feel better...I am so many things that are good...keeping my chin up and not believing is a start...I will continue to beat down the many heads that pop up...Makes for a long day sometimes..so far at least I can say I know...I know I have this..I know what it is going to try...Come on...I have my mallet in hand...Ready to knock you back down...