Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Whack-a-Mole

Seems to me that this thing I have pulls me in every direction...As soon as I think I have one thing in order another something or other pops up and is just as much of a struggle as the first...constant battles in my head...constant decisions being made in my head...what not to do...what is good for me...What is just plain ridiculous to consider...

It happens daily..this mental fight to keep on the proverbial straight and narrow path...my path...what is that? How do I believe that a path is set forth for me... from my experience I've learned that I am forging my own way...If I make a wrong turn in life and find myself tangled up in the nasty web I weave for myself, then it is up to me to find my way back...Hardly ever making it back with out a bruise or a scratch...but almost always coming back to a more open a clear way...

why are all the nooks and crannies of my path so appealing? I do not understand it..i do not know how to fix it...i keep wandering off path and it is making my life a two steps forward one step back process...will there ever be a clear opening for me to move ahead leaps and bounds as a whole person? will I ever feel like I don't have a monkey on my back...I swear it makes me nuts at times...I am being pulled...my mind pulls me...tells me how much I am going to need this or want that...This ugly head is sticking out...Feelings of accomplishment are quickly swept away as I can never in my mind not think about what is wrong...What is wrong? I can't think of too much...I have made some very strong choices in this past year of my life...I stand by my choices...

That i should be proud of but i have been raised to have the" glass is half empty" perspective...my loving father taught me that...He would say expect the worst, and if it doesn't turn out to be the worst then that is a good thing...Is that any way to be? I guess it is... I use this method...It works but not without complications of the mind...I am very frustrated with myself... tired of my mind playing tricks on me telling me lies...making me feel weak and unworthy of all the good life has to offer...I fight this fight everyday....I do not believe it...it just keeps coming...that confirms in me that this is bigger than just me...this is a battle against me...i am going to have to fight this battle for many many years to come..if not forever...this thing i have...it is all piled into one word...addiction...not very telling of what that actually means...it is nuts...it is lying...to yourself...it is believing the lies....it is a chameleon...changing forms as fast as you can try and give it up...it switches...i am constantly pounding down all the ugly heads that rear up trying to delight in this sickness....pick me! pick me! whether it is smoking, drinking, drugs, food, money, sex, any and all...wanting to be the next in line for abuse....give me a break already...constantly having to play whack-a-mole in my head...telling the thoughts in my head to SHUT THE FUCK UP!

I really work hard at being a healthy person...i do not ever try and be normal...that was a disaster...so i sit and argue in my head that ..no you don't need that and no you cant have that and no this is no longer an option for me...It is like the thing is a toddler running around rampant in your house grabbing everything in sight only to turn to you knowing...full well knowing, it is wrong and you must put it down....but it never stops trying...if i sit and think hard, hard, hard past the lies my mind tells me about myself i can see that i am spinning my wheels actually...i do accept that this is who i am...i could not know any other way...i often wonder if i am the only one out there that feels this way....i do not hear many people talk about this...not in this way...it does not go away...i have done all the meetings that life has to offer and still in all that waste of my time I have found that I just switch to something else...

Smoking...Eating...my two biggest... I gave smoking up at the new year and have not once cheated...I do not like to smoke I do not like to stink...Well, that part of me that likes to smoke is pissed....and i mean very pissed...making quite the ruckus in my head actually...waking all the others...as they poke their heads out to see if I am wanting to be with them for a while...I really am not crazy....I know this sounds a little split personality... I am talking about one thing...addiction and how it moves through me trying to abuse any area of my life at any given moment...I am not hungry! I do not need a smoke! Things are not nearly as bad as this greedy thing wants to make my life out to be...I know this but, I have this other part of me telling me otherwise... It sucks...So here I am trying to knock down the ugly heads that rear...Cigarettes...NO!...Food pops up...NO!...I think these two things for me have been my longest running addictions and they do not like being told NO...

I am exhausted and weary...I am trying my hardest to not succumb to the sweet nothings they whisper in my ear... I am here today because of them and in an attempt to take the power out of these things with my words...I am a powerful woman..I have struggled through a lot and have fought through more than this so why would something as simple as a Girl Scout cookie send me reeling...I wandered that path and quickly very quickly saw that I was at a dead end...one that was very very familiar...once lured in I am left sitting...in my own woes....hating ..despising...frustrated and scared shitless about not being able to find my way back to reality...I am not that person...I am not that girl that has to have SOMETHING ANYTHING to make me feel better...I am so many things that are good...keeping my chin up and not believing is a start...I will continue to beat down the many heads that pop up...Makes for a long day sometimes..so far at least I can say I know...I know I have this..I know what it is going to try...Come on...I have my mallet in hand...Ready to knock you back down...

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