What is that pull in my gut that can't be explained. It turns and churns and makes me feel like I am in pain. Not a a physical pain but an emotional one. I need to scream it out, I can't. Going places emotionally I shouldn't. Feeling like I am on a ride with plenty of up and downs. Curve after curve coming at me faster than I can recuperate. This feeling of motion sickness has me pinned to my chair in anticipation. Unexpected...I have been blindsided and now here I sit in my world of confusion and mystery. Right-Wrong weighing heavily on me. Who am I and where the hell have I been all this time. I open my eyes to my world and don't really know how, why, when, where, I was able to not see the obvious. I was trapped in my body, it not allowing me to be free and.... well.... just see. What am I seeing...lots of quiet....lots of distance...lack of concern...inability to communicate.
Wrenching....squeezing....tearing....pumping to the point that my heart is so filled I am overwhelmed. I am filling with these emotions until ,as I sit at my desk and work, my eyes well and the tears begin to flow. Nothing else, no sobbing but the tears are turned on and they run down my face without any choice in the matter. I feel as if I am leaking. Once on can't control the amount or how long. Where are they coming from? I can not confirm. What are these tears attached to? What part of my soul needs cleansing that I am releasing this sadness from me? The answers don't come easy. The answer I don't want to know. The answer is sadder than the tears coming down.
A right of passage that I am entitled to, I think. I have been trapped in my own world of hurt for a long time. This has to be part of that healing process I am searching for. I accept it and welcome the comfort I feel knowing and seeing that I am becoming well. Being in touch with emotions is not something I have ever been able to say comes naturally. I am always the funny girl that makes light of all situations to the point that I never ever really got to experience many highs or lows in life. I became a genius at keeping things like this at bay.
So here I am feeling. Big time. Will I be able to accept them for what they are? Feelings.....That's it... overwhelming feelings. Not something that needs to be medicated with anything. No food should be able to make this better. That, for me, is so over. Never again will I live in that numb world I was in. I felt dead and no longer do. This blood pumping in me is telling me something. I need to be careful and aware of the risks in my future and no that the choices I make don't just affect me.
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