What is that pull in my gut that can't be explained. It turns and churns and makes me feel like I am in pain. Not a a physical pain but an emotional one. I need to scream it out, I can't. Going places emotionally I shouldn't. Feeling like I am on a ride with plenty of up and downs. Curve after curve coming at me faster than I can recuperate. This feeling of motion sickness has me pinned to my chair in anticipation. Unexpected...I have been blindsided and now here I sit in my world of confusion and mystery. Right-Wrong weighing heavily on me. Who am I and where the hell have I been all this time. I open my eyes to my world and don't really know how, why, when, where, I was able to not see the obvious. I was trapped in my body, it not allowing me to be free and.... well.... just see. What am I seeing...lots of quiet....lots of distance...lack of concern...inability to communicate.
Wrenching....squeezing....tearing....pumping to the point that my heart is so filled I am overwhelmed. I am filling with these emotions until ,as I sit at my desk and work, my eyes well and the tears begin to flow. Nothing else, no sobbing but the tears are turned on and they run down my face without any choice in the matter. I feel as if I am leaking. Once on can't control the amount or how long. Where are they coming from? I can not confirm. What are these tears attached to? What part of my soul needs cleansing that I am releasing this sadness from me? The answers don't come easy. The answer I don't want to know. The answer is sadder than the tears coming down.
A right of passage that I am entitled to, I think. I have been trapped in my own world of hurt for a long time. This has to be part of that healing process I am searching for. I accept it and welcome the comfort I feel knowing and seeing that I am becoming well. Being in touch with emotions is not something I have ever been able to say comes naturally. I am always the funny girl that makes light of all situations to the point that I never ever really got to experience many highs or lows in life. I became a genius at keeping things like this at bay.
So here I am feeling. Big time. Will I be able to accept them for what they are? Feelings.....That's it... overwhelming feelings. Not something that needs to be medicated with anything. No food should be able to make this better. That, for me, is so over. Never again will I live in that numb world I was in. I felt dead and no longer do. This blood pumping in me is telling me something. I need to be careful and aware of the risks in my future and no that the choices I make don't just affect me.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Saturday, May 9, 2009
DIZZY DIZZY DIZZY
Been a while since I have been here. Avoiding maybe a little. I don't think I am really ready to go in to my marriage just yet. I see a lot of pain in that part of my life right now. I see a lot of pain being caused from me writing about it also. So, due to my reluctance to move forward at this moment, I'm not going to. I have thoroughly enjoyed writing in this blog and don't want that to change. So I will move forward.
The past week or so of life has been a whirlwind. Took my daughter to rehab a week and a half ago. We are very grateful that she is at least safe.
Weds.... Karrissa rehab.
Thurs..... Brownies...oop..scratch that.. My dad has a heart attack.
Fri..... Spent entire day filling in for my mother(who was at the hospital) as Chairman of the Committee for a "Tea" she had been planning for 5 months straight.
Sat...... Found out the my father has to have open heart surgery. Scheduled for Monday morning. Was placed in ICU. Was also able to get my mother away long enough to enjoy the "Tea" she had labored on for so long.
Sun....Worked 8 hours in order to not lose any for being at the hospital when my father had his surgery.
Mon...... Paced and worried about my father being on a by-pass machine while they carefully worked on his heart. All went well and everyone rejoiced. The last time I saw my father was that day in ICU after the surgery. He had tubes coming from everywhere. Bubbling and blowing with a frenzy. Could not speak and was still pretty much under anesthesia. Since then he has been placed in a normal room but was not wanting company that late in the day.(after work)
Tues...Blur
Weds...Blur
Thurs....Dad released from the hospital...sent home...Yeah
Whew...I am pooped just writing it.
The past week or so of life has been a whirlwind. Took my daughter to rehab a week and a half ago. We are very grateful that she is at least safe.
Weds.... Karrissa rehab.
Thurs..... Brownies...oop..scratch that.. My dad has a heart attack.
Fri..... Spent entire day filling in for my mother(who was at the hospital) as Chairman of the Committee for a "Tea" she had been planning for 5 months straight.
Sat...... Found out the my father has to have open heart surgery. Scheduled for Monday morning. Was placed in ICU. Was also able to get my mother away long enough to enjoy the "Tea" she had labored on for so long.
Sun....Worked 8 hours in order to not lose any for being at the hospital when my father had his surgery.
Mon...... Paced and worried about my father being on a by-pass machine while they carefully worked on his heart. All went well and everyone rejoiced. The last time I saw my father was that day in ICU after the surgery. He had tubes coming from everywhere. Bubbling and blowing with a frenzy. Could not speak and was still pretty much under anesthesia. Since then he has been placed in a normal room but was not wanting company that late in the day.(after work)
Tues...Blur
Weds...Blur
Thurs....Dad released from the hospital...sent home...Yeah
Whew...I am pooped just writing it.
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