Some days are just the same as others. They run together like watercolors on paper. Before you know it you have painted a picture with time. Only to be seen when you step back to take a look. You see the true beauty of the work you have done. Days turn into weeks turn into years. Although I try to cherish each day sometimes before I look up a month has passed. My children are older and changing. Where does that time go? I am not certain if this is good or bad. Knowing that times in my life flew by without me noticing is sometimes disturbing for me. Where did that time go? Was it important? Am I missing something from not knowing? Trusting in my self that if it were crucial to my future I would remember, is all I can do.
Having opened my eyes to my past, present and, future I am going to try my hardest to document my past, live in the present and look forward to the future. Brightness ahead, brightness of living out each day taking good care of myself. Allowing my children to be who they are no matter what and know that it is ok to be different. They are loved and conforming to others to fit in is not the solution. The light I see in the future does shine bright for me. I know I can handle what comes my way. I am not alone. I do not walk this path alone.
Connecting with myself ...Being that I have been a people pleaser for as long as I can remember has hurt me. Doing for others before myself has kept me in the back like that leftover plate in the fridge that gets pushed back day after day until, oops.
Leaving myself out of the picture a lot of times. Literally when I look at the pictures of my family I am rarely in them. I am behind the camera. When someone did get a shot of me I was mostly mortified by the glimpse that camera got of me in that one close of the shutter. Not only was I completely unrecognizable to myself I also looked so sad. The life in my eyes seemed depleted. Denial was living in me. I lived a lie. Rarely knowing the person in the picture,this wasn't me. Couldn't be...How do I make the connection again.
Love the image of myself. Be proud of who I am and how I look along with the aura I put off. Find the well of life that is flourishing in my soul and show it to the world with out fear of rejection. Fear of failure, fear fear fear. I am no longer that child afraid of the hand coming out from under the bed so why should I live that way. Staying in my home, not venturing out to be seen and be a part of society. I refuse to continue down that lonely road. I am here, I am 39 today and, feel as though life today is limitless. I won't be bungee jumping anytime soon. That is not what I mean. Baby steps. I am coming out of my shell a better person. One day I may abandon the shell and live completely free of the weight I have carried around in my shell,emotional and physical. But for right now I am just shining the shell I am in and making it a lovelier place to be..... For me.
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