HEADING FOR THE HILLS

Time to look back and get on with this story. I am anxious to get through with this chapter of my life. Almost to the point to where I just want to rush through it. Discipline and control is what I am having to conjure up not to skip it. Hoping that the words will flow onto this page and get me through it. So much to cover, can't put it all down. I must touch on what I feel was so dangerous for me and hurtful and telling of what state of mind I was in at the time. All of the fluff will be left out. Here we go...

It was a hot summer, trying to find relief from the heat was not an easy thing to do. I didn't want to be home with my parents. I had no place of my own. Spending most of my days out in the heat. Riding around with friends but trying to preserve gas so a lot of it was spent loitering in parking lots. One particular store in fact, where this raunchy group of people met up for the day to plan the evening events. I was there a lot. Seemed to me more than others. Just waiting,absorbing the heat from the asphalt and smoking cigarettes. We ran that store into the ground. The locals would no longer use it for there gas and conveniences as we always seemed to be there looking grungy and well probably scary. It was our store or so we thought.

I had noticed one day sitting there that this guy came rumbling into the parking lot on a ninja motorcycle followed closely by 4 other guys on the same type of bike. This was something alright. A sight to see. I quickly asked who these people were and was informed that this one guy had purchased all of these bikes for his buddies. He was,i think,17 at the time, not from this town but from an even smaller one down the road. Come to find out he had come into an inheritance and was blowing it faster than anything I had ever seen. Throwing parties and paying for every ones beer and smokes. There was no end to it.

I said that day sitting in the heat on that curb that I needed to meet him and that I needed to introduce him to cocaine. Didn't take long for me to make myself noticed around him and all he wanted was to be cool. Be accepted. I accepted him and we began what would be this life altering journey for the both of us. Using lots of drugs and way too much alcohol. His group consisted of people that I would have never ever considered hanging out with ever. Very Vanilla Ice. I was so far from that but somehow all that didn't matter to me. Dollar signs were floating around in the air and I could smell it.

This was my ticket out of Brenham. My relationship with him and all of his "group" was strictly platonic. They had plenty of girls come and go from that group that were being used up and spit out. What started out as partying quickly became a game of hide and seek from the local police. Always staying in motels for days at a time. We lived in filth. I remember that. What started with drinking a lot quickly turned to smoking pot. A lot. Getting him to accept cocaine was more of a feat. He was very against it, all he knew was that it was bad. Parts of me still to this day feels very remorseful for pushing it. Pushing it into there faces and doing it in front of them making them see that it was not going to hurt them. How naive was I to think it wasn't going to hurt me.

That night he tried it and that was it. Mission accomplished. What I had set out to do and the result of this was exactly what I had planned. First line he was hooked, couldn't get enough. All the huge parties stopped and we were whittled down to a group of about 13-20 depending on the night and sometimes fewer. Living in this small town it didn't take long for the cops to figure out who we were and they had there eye on us. Paranoia was something that became an everyday event. Always on the move. Not trusting anyone new that came into the picture. He did end up getting arrested for being in possession. Got out immediately and we were off. It was time to go somewhere else.

How about Austin? Why not. They seemed to listen to what I had to say because I was older for one and more experienced. Master manipulator is one of the things that comes with being a drug addict. I had learned from the best living in Austin. This had only just begun. Seemed this kid had unlimited amounts of money. We were able to get just about whatever he wanted. At this point in time I was right where I wanted to be. I was high everyday,had zero responsibility and was not hurting for cash. When I say money, most people don't really get it. This kid was left a fortune. Millions, and was allowed to access it at age 16. What were his parents thinking? We blew through thousands of dollars everyday. He was supporting about 13 people. Along with there drug habits.

He bought cars for some of them and the bikes. Once we arrived in Austin we were staying at the Marriott and other hotels splurging on room service for every meal. It was something I could not believe was really happening. We were living like rock stars. They did not know this town and I did. I knew where to get the drugs and quickly stepped up my status in the group. One of the things that needed to change was the amount of people in the group. Thirteen is too many to cart around and keep up with all the time.

There were times when things didn't go too smoothly. We were all on hard drugs day after day and people were bound to get worn down. Not only was our consumption of coke getting up there but we were also dropping acid. Buying it by the sheets of 100 hits. People were starting to drop like flies and heading back to the country. It was intense, and acid in the wrong environment can send you running for the hills. Others were not so lucky and were having seizures. Others were curled up in the fetal position at the end of the bed. Truly gruesome and very much a reality in the drug world. You don't care about others and how they feel. You expect it to wear off,most of the time it did. None of which stopped us from getting on with the days events. Making a pact ,that we all agreed upon, if any of us were to die during one of the marathon drug binges we would drop the body at a dumpster and that was that. It made complete sense at the time.

One particular time I made the ultimate decision to help out one of them, was the one that kept having the seizures. He had another and this time wasn't coming out of it. He dislocated his shoulder in the process of waling around the room in a fit and was hurt and from the looks of it in a lot of pain although he couldn't talk. He just clung to me. I was the only woman in the room. This kid was a friend of mines, little brother. The others wanted to leave, and I remember his dark brown eyes with his pupils dilated to about the size of his iris and how he was pleading with me for help. It was if he had a stroke. No words would come out. I took him and put him in my car drove him to the hospital emergency room and waited. After a while the doctor came out and asked me " Have yall been doing drugs?" Of course I told him "yes" and he said "He is pretty messed up." I remember the look the doctor gave us. It made me feel shame and fear. " He will be staying." the doctor finally told us. I gave them some info about him and we left. I have never seen him again, to this day. I know he is ok and I know he spent about 3 weeks in the hospital after that incident. I know it changed the dynamic of the group. More people went back home and we were left with about 5.

This did not stop us. To the contrary. We never looked back. Although the party was over, the ugly head of addiction was rearing up and about to devour us whole. Money money money. That is all you need to be a drug addict. That and some serious emotional issues that drugs make go away. A deadly combo. My heart is hurting from writing about this. I do have regrets about this. What was wrong with me. Why was I so cold? Where was my heart? Even though I took that kid to the hospital that means nothing. He may have died otherwise. I know that. But, I still feel like a freaking boogie man for getting all this crap for these kids. They were still kids. They were my daughters age. I am ashamed of that. This is something I haven't really thought of before. I have always told these stories.Over and over. Leaving out any of my own responsibility for the mess around me. hmmm...Maybe just maybe I am getting somewhere. I was a lousy person in those days. Self absorbed. Greedy and careless.