To clear a few things up about the type of person I am and was in my past. As I have had more than one person tell me either I didn't know you were so unhappy or I hear "oh come on you know we had fun". Both are right. I was not always unhappy, and I had a lot of fun in my life. I don't know if my blog is sending out the message that I was this basket case of a kid. I was not Ally Sheedy in the Breakfast Club. I tried, always to make the best out of every situation. I had a gift. It was comedy. People love to laugh and I could make you laugh with my sarcasm and my dry humor. I don't deny these things kept me on the up and up. I still have it, I am always thinking about the next thing to say. It is a part of me that I love and have always had. That I think made a lot of people think that Paige was this happy jolly fat chick. hohoho. I tried to make the best of it.
What I remember the most about all the parties from high school days is...we had fun, we always drank and I always drank too much. I always drank too much way too fast. I was the one sprawled out on the concrete around back dry heaving while the party was in full swing. Not y'all ...me. I still to this day can not drink certain things because of the amount of times I puked them. Was I trying to impress? I don't know. I wasn't depressed, I was troubled. Not knowing where I was headed,not knowing that this thing would grab me and take me for a ride. It seemed like we were all doing the same things right? Well I can tell you whenever it came to food, alcohol, or drugs I always overdid it.
Unhappy? depressed? lonely? not always. I could handle myself and had a way about me that made others want to be around. Did I go to college? NO! Did I get arrested numerous times? YES! Did I pursue my talent in art, the way I had dreamed of? NO! Could I have if I had not been so involved with drugs? Absolutely I would have. Do I regret anything I have done? Today? NO!
Looking at my children and knowing that if one thing in my past had been altered, even a little, would have caused me to miss that meeting. I met my husband by chance. We were not connected in any way. If I had not been there that night. How would things be different. Had I not been through what I had been through I would not have been there. I wouldn't have this man who gets me, although he doesn't think I am that funny. I wouldn't have my children. The personalities that they have. Oh I see my past in there. They are little trips. I know they are little mirrors of me. The laughing, the singing, the loud talking ,the sense of humor, the sarcasm. How could I have created more perfect beings. I love them and if it meant I had to do this all over again just to have them, I would.
Harboring my past is not what I am doing. I am cleaning out my closet of the bad things that literally weigh me down. So when reading this blog if it seems I am focused more on the bad times that is because I am. I am looking for what makes me this way. Trying to understand what it was that caused me this insanity. People do not do what I did. I look around and most of the time I was the biggest chick in the room. The largest in my entire family, the largest at work, the largest at the wedding I went to this past summer and that was on both sides of the family. That is overboard. To the extreme with food. Addiction? Pain! Low self esteem.
I was the one that chose to be around others that were worse than me and when you do that in the world of drugs. What started out as all fun and games with your friends leaves you with some very sick people. Because, I kept getting sicker, so finding people sicker than me takes you away from those who know you and care for you and drops you in the middle of a bunch of lying, stealing, cheating, messed up folks. Not a good place to be.
Continuing to live in denial of my issues left my life in a pile of rubble. If I had not chosen to make these changes when I did I would have lost it all. My family, my home, my husband. Would I have regretted it all then? YES! I can and am capable of making it better. Added a little water to the rubble and began to mold a complete person. I am on the potters wheel at the moment. I am an artist and know that my creation in the end will be a beautiful and stable.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
MINUS THE HAIRY TOES
Still making progress in my journey to lose weight. It has been a fight, and every pound I have shed I become more and more clear on my life and how things should be. My battle with addiction is going to be lifelong. Being fully aware of that allows me to try and look at myself from the outside at times.
Looking in the mirror can be deceptive. My mind will flat out lie to me about my appearance and, because of that lie, put my health in great danger. I am my own worst enemy. Sabotage has always been the name of the game. Being a fan of The Lord of the Rings, I make a comparison of myself to that of Smeagol/Gollum. My precious! My precious! The sick part of me tells me it is going to be ok I need it. I have to have it. Can't live without it. The overindulgence of food is my ring. I was in the dark for such a very long time that parts of me did wrinkle up and crave more of what would ultimately kill me.
I did the same thing with drugs. I used them in order to not use food. It was still the same addiction. I have no doubt about that. I phened for food the same way I did cocaine. I huffed any vapor I came in contact with the same way I used to sneak food past my family to my room only to gorge on high calorie-high sugar concoctions. I hid this as well. I hid, or, so I thought. What denial addicts live in that they really think they can tear down their lives and noone will notice. It is hard to hide either one after a while. They both rear their ugly heads sooner or later and you have to make a choice. I have made that choice. Again.
Although these changes obviously had to run their course on their own. I have always had people reaching out to let me know, and, I wouldn't/couldn't accept what was put before me. I knew. I thought about it every day knowing something had to change. I had to... just....get....there. Ok so now that I am here and things are well. Knowing not to trust my mind. Don't know if I will ever be able to when it comes to this. 80 pounds gone. 50 more to go.
This leaves me on the journey the long long way through all the mud and the muck I traveled to get here. Telling this tale will surely help. It couldn't possibly hurt me. Me!, Frodo! lol. Minus the hairy toes. That's funny. Even though there is so much truth to that statement. I can't wear the ring of my past. The temptation is tooo great. I can not resist. I will simply tie it around my neck go through what I need to and hopefully when I get there and I have no idea how long that will take. I just pray that at the end of the road will be my lake of fire to throw this tempting sickness into. Be gone with it.... Remember it.... Respect it for the power it had over me. Never, ever, put it back on. Off I go to live in the Shire..yeah right.
Looking in the mirror can be deceptive. My mind will flat out lie to me about my appearance and, because of that lie, put my health in great danger. I am my own worst enemy. Sabotage has always been the name of the game. Being a fan of The Lord of the Rings, I make a comparison of myself to that of Smeagol/Gollum. My precious! My precious! The sick part of me tells me it is going to be ok I need it. I have to have it. Can't live without it. The overindulgence of food is my ring. I was in the dark for such a very long time that parts of me did wrinkle up and crave more of what would ultimately kill me.
I did the same thing with drugs. I used them in order to not use food. It was still the same addiction. I have no doubt about that. I phened for food the same way I did cocaine. I huffed any vapor I came in contact with the same way I used to sneak food past my family to my room only to gorge on high calorie-high sugar concoctions. I hid this as well. I hid, or, so I thought. What denial addicts live in that they really think they can tear down their lives and noone will notice. It is hard to hide either one after a while. They both rear their ugly heads sooner or later and you have to make a choice. I have made that choice. Again.
Although these changes obviously had to run their course on their own. I have always had people reaching out to let me know, and, I wouldn't/couldn't accept what was put before me. I knew. I thought about it every day knowing something had to change. I had to... just....get....there. Ok so now that I am here and things are well. Knowing not to trust my mind. Don't know if I will ever be able to when it comes to this. 80 pounds gone. 50 more to go.
This leaves me on the journey the long long way through all the mud and the muck I traveled to get here. Telling this tale will surely help. It couldn't possibly hurt me. Me!, Frodo! lol. Minus the hairy toes. That's funny. Even though there is so much truth to that statement. I can't wear the ring of my past. The temptation is tooo great. I can not resist. I will simply tie it around my neck go through what I need to and hopefully when I get there and I have no idea how long that will take. I just pray that at the end of the road will be my lake of fire to throw this tempting sickness into. Be gone with it.... Remember it.... Respect it for the power it had over me. Never, ever, put it back on. Off I go to live in the Shire..yeah right.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
WHAT? HOW? WHY?
Every day is a new day. Just when you think the fog is clearing, here it comes again. So many unexplained things. Why is it that bad things happen to good people. Why is there heartache in this world. It seems like it happens to the undeserving. Yesterday I was informed that a coworker had to hospitalize her baby boy. What a cutie pie. Poor baby was sick and it was sudden as I saw him last week. When I get to work today we are informed that her child died in the night. 4 months old! What? How? Why? He apparently had a virus and his little body lost the battle. Just hours earlier it was not so grim. Now they couldn't have their baby any longer.
The mother was sedated and hospitalized as would I have been. I can't imagine the loss of my child. One they had to work soooo hard to get. All of your hopes and dreams are gone. The love of their lives gone. Oh the agony. What do you say? How do you comfort? Is there any amount of sorrys that would even touch what this family has to deal with.
How do you go home? How do you empty the diaper pail. How do you clean the bottles? How? Who can do this? It just isn't fair. Everything happens for a reason. Right? I always believe that but what can be the reason for this death. He was a picture of health. Now we have a funeral to attend. How do you pick the coffin? It is too much to think about and I am not anywhere near the blast of this catastrophe.
I feel for this mother. As a mother I know the love. I remember looking down at my newborns and crying just because I made them. My body did this. This perfect creation. I still to this day look at my kids and remind them how I made them. They are from me and dad and are perfect in every way. I love my kids. I am so sad for this mother. I am sorry.
The mother was sedated and hospitalized as would I have been. I can't imagine the loss of my child. One they had to work soooo hard to get. All of your hopes and dreams are gone. The love of their lives gone. Oh the agony. What do you say? How do you comfort? Is there any amount of sorrys that would even touch what this family has to deal with.
How do you go home? How do you empty the diaper pail. How do you clean the bottles? How? Who can do this? It just isn't fair. Everything happens for a reason. Right? I always believe that but what can be the reason for this death. He was a picture of health. Now we have a funeral to attend. How do you pick the coffin? It is too much to think about and I am not anywhere near the blast of this catastrophe.
I feel for this mother. As a mother I know the love. I remember looking down at my newborns and crying just because I made them. My body did this. This perfect creation. I still to this day look at my kids and remind them how I made them. They are from me and dad and are perfect in every way. I love my kids. I am so sad for this mother. I am sorry.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
CAN'T FORGET THE PATCHOULI
Having had time to think for a while about my next blog I think I am ready to continue on this journey. I have all week long written a paragraph and deleted it. Not knowing where I am going with this I am not sure what to write. I don't want to over think it. I have so far been able to write honestly and openly and somewhat fearlessly about myself and how I am accepting change. I want to continue on that path. I like it most when I write my blog and get lost in it, only later to go back and read and say.... hmmmm....that is so real.
OK, so where was I? The last time I was in this place I was talking about Pete and his death. Maybe I needed this break from doing this to so I could process it. Anyway.
I had already started living a "party" lifestyle before he passed and so it was just the natural thing to do afterwards. I was in the midst of meeting people and going places I had never been to before. I was in and out of dance clubs. Parties where I didn't feel like the elephant in the room. I was social and the girls I stomped around with were WILD. Like I have never seen in my life. I was shocked by the carefree nature in which they did and said almost everything. Being around them empowered me. Made me feel beautiful and on top of the world. We were trouble with a capital T. The three of us spent almost every waking hour together. I was working at Wal-Mart at the time and trying to finish beauty school. Which was a joke, I spent the last few months of school sleeping. I think they felt sorry for me and put up with a lot. I would go weeks at a time without even showing up for school. I managed to party every night.
What seemed to me at the time like harmless was festering into a big problem to come. It did not take long for my girlfriends to introduce me to Austin, Texas. It was 1991, I was 21 and grunge had just hit the scene. Nirvana was up and running. The music was crazy and the music scene in Austin was out of control.
I am getting ahead of myself here. I didn't know a thing at the time about music or grunge or how to manage in a city that size. I was very clingy and awestruck most of the time. We would head up on the weekends and meet up with some of there friends who were from our hometown. They were in a band. Split was there name. I most likely looked like a deer in the headlights. The people were weird looking. Dreadlocks and torn clothes. Colored hair and mo hawks were things that I saw almost everywhere I went. I remember being especially intrigued by these people. What did they have that I didn't that made them so bold and daring and just what seemed to me at the time, proud of their individuality. I wanted to be that. I could feel it in my bones. I loved this town. I could be myself. Nobody knew you or your past. It goes without saying that I was on drugs through all of this and drinking regularly. Mostly pot at the time. I had no real connections at the time other than my good old buddies from younger days that still allowed me to mooch off of them.
Cindy and I decided that we needed to move to Austin. It was the coolest place to be and we were too cool for our Podunk town. I finished school and decided I was going to cut hair in Austin . I wanted to do hair for punk rock people. That was my dream at that minute. We loaded up, borrowed money from our parents, found an all bills paid apartment on Riverside. One exit from 6th street. Woohoo.
Moving day came and we were out of this world excited. Apartment on Town Lake. Funny looking back at how we were able to make a bad situation look sooo good. We could not see the poverty around us. We didn't notice or care about the broken security gate. The badly managed grounds. We had stars in our eyes. There was no stopping us we were on our own for the first time and had plans. This was the place. We had to be here. At this moment in time. Everyone was so full of life and music and love. The hippies were all over the place. Glass beads and hemp necklaces. Patchouli...can't forget the patchouli. Eeyore's birthday party. We didn't need to worry about the apartment and it's filthy exterior we weren't going to be home much anyway. It was hard to soak it all in . All the festivals and swimming holes hidden in the woods. Seemed like a perfect vacation to me. That is daytime in Austin. That was Cindy she was all about being a hippy and shopping for beads watching the free shows. What I hadn't figured out is that I would be a nightwalker. These two lifestyles were sure to clash.
Both of us were in a daze. What could go wrong? Right?
It is 5 and time to go home I will come back tomorrow.
OK, so where was I? The last time I was in this place I was talking about Pete and his death. Maybe I needed this break from doing this to so I could process it. Anyway.
I had already started living a "party" lifestyle before he passed and so it was just the natural thing to do afterwards. I was in the midst of meeting people and going places I had never been to before. I was in and out of dance clubs. Parties where I didn't feel like the elephant in the room. I was social and the girls I stomped around with were WILD. Like I have never seen in my life. I was shocked by the carefree nature in which they did and said almost everything. Being around them empowered me. Made me feel beautiful and on top of the world. We were trouble with a capital T. The three of us spent almost every waking hour together. I was working at Wal-Mart at the time and trying to finish beauty school. Which was a joke, I spent the last few months of school sleeping. I think they felt sorry for me and put up with a lot. I would go weeks at a time without even showing up for school. I managed to party every night.
What seemed to me at the time like harmless was festering into a big problem to come. It did not take long for my girlfriends to introduce me to Austin, Texas. It was 1991, I was 21 and grunge had just hit the scene. Nirvana was up and running. The music was crazy and the music scene in Austin was out of control.
I am getting ahead of myself here. I didn't know a thing at the time about music or grunge or how to manage in a city that size. I was very clingy and awestruck most of the time. We would head up on the weekends and meet up with some of there friends who were from our hometown. They were in a band. Split was there name. I most likely looked like a deer in the headlights. The people were weird looking. Dreadlocks and torn clothes. Colored hair and mo hawks were things that I saw almost everywhere I went. I remember being especially intrigued by these people. What did they have that I didn't that made them so bold and daring and just what seemed to me at the time, proud of their individuality. I wanted to be that. I could feel it in my bones. I loved this town. I could be myself. Nobody knew you or your past. It goes without saying that I was on drugs through all of this and drinking regularly. Mostly pot at the time. I had no real connections at the time other than my good old buddies from younger days that still allowed me to mooch off of them.
Cindy and I decided that we needed to move to Austin. It was the coolest place to be and we were too cool for our Podunk town. I finished school and decided I was going to cut hair in Austin . I wanted to do hair for punk rock people. That was my dream at that minute. We loaded up, borrowed money from our parents, found an all bills paid apartment on Riverside. One exit from 6th street. Woohoo.
Moving day came and we were out of this world excited. Apartment on Town Lake. Funny looking back at how we were able to make a bad situation look sooo good. We could not see the poverty around us. We didn't notice or care about the broken security gate. The badly managed grounds. We had stars in our eyes. There was no stopping us we were on our own for the first time and had plans. This was the place. We had to be here. At this moment in time. Everyone was so full of life and music and love. The hippies were all over the place. Glass beads and hemp necklaces. Patchouli...can't forget the patchouli. Eeyore's birthday party. We didn't need to worry about the apartment and it's filthy exterior we weren't going to be home much anyway. It was hard to soak it all in . All the festivals and swimming holes hidden in the woods. Seemed like a perfect vacation to me. That is daytime in Austin. That was Cindy she was all about being a hippy and shopping for beads watching the free shows. What I hadn't figured out is that I would be a nightwalker. These two lifestyles were sure to clash.
Both of us were in a daze. What could go wrong? Right?
It is 5 and time to go home I will come back tomorrow.
Monday, February 23, 2009
DRAFT
Thinking about my past and the things I am reluctant to put down have held me back from moving forward with this blog. Too many questions in my head. Will I be judged? Do I really need to tell this story? Parts of me are pulling against each other, fully knowing it is most likely all in my head. Holding me back as always. Making me think less of myself than I should. I can tell just in the past month as I have not blogged very much how I am starting to do things differently than I was. My feelings out in this room did help me to stay out of my head and the sickness that lies there. I have lived in this life for such a long time that being different and squeezing out the puss that infected my soul is not exactly pleasant. My past is my present. There is work to be done.
June 16 2009
I was looking through my posts and found this draft. This one paragraph that was written a while back but is telling none the less. I didn't even finish or post it. It was me fearing moving on with the chronological order of my life. Fear of being judged. Fear of being the one judging others in this room that have had an impact on my life. Do I do it? I don't know yet. I want to. I want to write it out and let you mull over it. See the betrayal and abandonment. For what reason I want you to see it I am not sure. That is where I need to be very sure of my intentions before I do. Will it make me a better person? Will I learn anything from documenting my marriage and motherhood? Could. I am thinking. This may happen. Little bits at a time. My blog will not be based upon revenge or resentment. No one need get hurt from this. It is a healing process.
There has to be a way to do it and maintain that I love my family and do not feel like a victim to my marriage. Supportive and consoling. Everyone has issues. Some are worse than others. We dont get to pick the hand that is dealt to us. We can fold or play it out. What am I going to do?
Something to ponder
June 16 2009
I was looking through my posts and found this draft. This one paragraph that was written a while back but is telling none the less. I didn't even finish or post it. It was me fearing moving on with the chronological order of my life. Fear of being judged. Fear of being the one judging others in this room that have had an impact on my life. Do I do it? I don't know yet. I want to. I want to write it out and let you mull over it. See the betrayal and abandonment. For what reason I want you to see it I am not sure. That is where I need to be very sure of my intentions before I do. Will it make me a better person? Will I learn anything from documenting my marriage and motherhood? Could. I am thinking. This may happen. Little bits at a time. My blog will not be based upon revenge or resentment. No one need get hurt from this. It is a healing process.
There has to be a way to do it and maintain that I love my family and do not feel like a victim to my marriage. Supportive and consoling. Everyone has issues. Some are worse than others. We dont get to pick the hand that is dealt to us. We can fold or play it out. What am I going to do?
Something to ponder
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
SCAR TISSUE
Things about my life are going to be forever changed because of the places I've been and things I have seen. I have a lack of trust in others as well as myself. My thoughts seems to be a bit darker and more warped than what I call "normal" people. It really sucks sometimes also. I wish I was normal and didn't have to look at life from the side of my eyes. Too many times have I tried to trust and love and lean on others only to find that there is no one there. To open my heart to people takes a lot from me and I do feel totally exposed. I AM totally exposed. Sitting there in my skin knowing that all it will take is a that one mistake of my judgement to strip me of my skin bearing the wounds that will heal,but only with scar tissue. Each time building up a thicker skin to endure the pain again.
I seem to stay there. Parts of me think this is where I want to be. Not necessarily in pain. I want to be a part of others lives. I want to risk life and love and friendship. The risk seems to be worth it. I seem to heal OK . What would life be without all of these things? Where would I be if I had not stepped out of that box I lived in. The life I disappeared in. It was a dark and lonely life. There were no risks in that. People have a real misconception about people that use drugs. They tend to think they are risk takers and tough, all that jazz. I beg to differ. I used drugs to disappear. I didn't want to deal with my life. The hurts, the tragedies,the losses. It was easier to sit in a dark space and do whatever was available at the time to force you into not thinking about the pains that had to be dealt with. They have to be dealt with! There is no other way around it. If I wanted out of the dark I had to lay it out. I had to look at it. I had to dissect it and say that was it. No more.
The feelings of pain and loss can be overwhelming. Just like everything else it does get better. The stabbing subsides and life smooths on. The realization of this has allowed me to be that better person I am today. I take the stresses of everyday life and share them with anyone who is willing to listen. Lately it has helped to just put them in this room. It is living. It is life. Knowing I have to accept my past and the skewed way I have of looking at things has gotten easier for me each day. I shouldn't look at is as warped. Although I know it is.
I am on this journey to shed that old skin which has held me captive for so long. A few bumps in the road have come and keep coming but I am trying to stay focused on my goal here. I will continue to blog and most importantly, for now, blog about my past. There are questions that need to be answered. I know drugs are not in my future but that is not why I am here. Food! I used food. The same way I did drugs. Going back hopefully will get me the answers I need. I have faith that I am not going to ever go back to the person I was less than a year ago. I have been free now for a little while and boy does it feel good.
Progression not perfection
I seem to stay there. Parts of me think this is where I want to be. Not necessarily in pain. I want to be a part of others lives. I want to risk life and love and friendship. The risk seems to be worth it. I seem to heal OK . What would life be without all of these things? Where would I be if I had not stepped out of that box I lived in. The life I disappeared in. It was a dark and lonely life. There were no risks in that. People have a real misconception about people that use drugs. They tend to think they are risk takers and tough, all that jazz. I beg to differ. I used drugs to disappear. I didn't want to deal with my life. The hurts, the tragedies,the losses. It was easier to sit in a dark space and do whatever was available at the time to force you into not thinking about the pains that had to be dealt with. They have to be dealt with! There is no other way around it. If I wanted out of the dark I had to lay it out. I had to look at it. I had to dissect it and say that was it. No more.
The feelings of pain and loss can be overwhelming. Just like everything else it does get better. The stabbing subsides and life smooths on. The realization of this has allowed me to be that better person I am today. I take the stresses of everyday life and share them with anyone who is willing to listen. Lately it has helped to just put them in this room. It is living. It is life. Knowing I have to accept my past and the skewed way I have of looking at things has gotten easier for me each day. I shouldn't look at is as warped. Although I know it is.
I am on this journey to shed that old skin which has held me captive for so long. A few bumps in the road have come and keep coming but I am trying to stay focused on my goal here. I will continue to blog and most importantly, for now, blog about my past. There are questions that need to be answered. I know drugs are not in my future but that is not why I am here. Food! I used food. The same way I did drugs. Going back hopefully will get me the answers I need. I have faith that I am not going to ever go back to the person I was less than a year ago. I have been free now for a little while and boy does it feel good.
Progression not perfection
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
FINDING MY HAPPY PLACE
Today has been a lot like the past week. I consider it a wash. Work is done and again I have a headache. I am going home to lie down and hopefully it will pass. I have lots to do in my house.
I can't seem to sleep. I have never been an insomniac. I don't want to be either. When I am sleeping I am having nightmares. I am scared when I wake up and keep thinking someone is in my house. So I lie there too scared get up and too scared to go back to sleep. I know it has a lot to do with my daughter and the company she keeps. These kids all look unstable and they keep walking by my house. One of which spit in my yard. The other walks by with her pit bull. If you know me I am not easily shaken by things. I am not scared of movies, or being alone. I do read a lot of true crime books and think I am probably thinking too hard about it.
I feel like I am sleeping with one eye open. I am fully expecting to wake up to a teenager in my house with a knife. Am I overreacting? Maybe. I am not trying to think these thoughts. They are coming in the from of a nightmare. Once I wake up from it I am freaked out. I know this is not going to happen but my dreams are so real and scary. I want this to go away. I don't like being afraid.
Even when I am in the store, when I see a teenager, I get the feeling of distrust. It is very weird as I usually don't pay any attention to anyone in the store. I usually have tunnel vision. I am surprised that I have been so affected by my daughters behavior and her choice of friends. They all seem to have so much emotional baggage. Very disturbed and that freaks me out. Even with all the doors and windows locked I feel very insecure.
How do I get past this fear. I refuse to live in fear. It isn't fair to me. I haven't done anything wrong. I do not think that my daughter is trying to kill me but what I know is that she is very vulnerable right now. Following the lead of all of her "friends". I do know she blames me the most for her woes. I am the cause of the problems because I am the disciplinarian.
I really just want to sleep. This couldn't be much worse right now.
I am trying to keep my head up and be grateful for the things I have in life. Which is a lot. I am truly blessed and thank God all day for the things I have and truly respect all of it because things could have been sooo different for me. I didn't do any of this. The things I have in my life today were a gift that I continually am thankful for.
These thoughts and fears I need to leave behind. It is a manipulation of the mind. I need to end my day in a good place with happy thoughts and simple prayers.
I can't seem to sleep. I have never been an insomniac. I don't want to be either. When I am sleeping I am having nightmares. I am scared when I wake up and keep thinking someone is in my house. So I lie there too scared get up and too scared to go back to sleep. I know it has a lot to do with my daughter and the company she keeps. These kids all look unstable and they keep walking by my house. One of which spit in my yard. The other walks by with her pit bull. If you know me I am not easily shaken by things. I am not scared of movies, or being alone. I do read a lot of true crime books and think I am probably thinking too hard about it.
I feel like I am sleeping with one eye open. I am fully expecting to wake up to a teenager in my house with a knife. Am I overreacting? Maybe. I am not trying to think these thoughts. They are coming in the from of a nightmare. Once I wake up from it I am freaked out. I know this is not going to happen but my dreams are so real and scary. I want this to go away. I don't like being afraid.
Even when I am in the store, when I see a teenager, I get the feeling of distrust. It is very weird as I usually don't pay any attention to anyone in the store. I usually have tunnel vision. I am surprised that I have been so affected by my daughters behavior and her choice of friends. They all seem to have so much emotional baggage. Very disturbed and that freaks me out. Even with all the doors and windows locked I feel very insecure.
How do I get past this fear. I refuse to live in fear. It isn't fair to me. I haven't done anything wrong. I do not think that my daughter is trying to kill me but what I know is that she is very vulnerable right now. Following the lead of all of her "friends". I do know she blames me the most for her woes. I am the cause of the problems because I am the disciplinarian.
I really just want to sleep. This couldn't be much worse right now.
I am trying to keep my head up and be grateful for the things I have in life. Which is a lot. I am truly blessed and thank God all day for the things I have and truly respect all of it because things could have been sooo different for me. I didn't do any of this. The things I have in my life today were a gift that I continually am thankful for.
These thoughts and fears I need to leave behind. It is a manipulation of the mind. I need to end my day in a good place with happy thoughts and simple prayers.
Monday, February 9, 2009
OH MY DAUGHTER! MORE BLOOD FOR TEARS
It is definitely a Monday. I haven't been able to get anything accomplished today. The computer tech is here and been back and forth all day. I have a lot to do. Well while I am at it I thought I might check in with a new entry. I don't know what I am writing about today as my life seems to be spinning a little out of control. Teenagers.
I remember those days and remember the troubles I caused. Very well. What I don't remember is ever disrespecting my parents with language not suited for a sailor. I can't remember it because I didn't do it. I loved my parents very much and tried my hardest to shield them from the things I was doing. I never crossed my dad and wouldn't dare have done it with my mother, for fear of my dad. Simple. I was no dummy. I never wanted to hurt my parents. I cried when I hurt them. I always wanted to be better for them. I never was, but I never thought they didn't love me. I got that part of it. I got that they fought with me because of that.
I have to believe that my daughter knows the same thing even though she says the opposite. I personally am getting a lot of the blame for all that is wrong. I expected too much. I am being portrayed as an unfit and uncaring parent by my daughter. I have no defense because I don't know these people she is with and they especially don't know me. They don't know me and how many years I have tried to see her to the light. I have tried and fought and screamed and cried what seems like blood for tears. I want to not take all of this attack personally. I feel like my character is being pulled apart one petal at a time. I am strong and can stand my ground even though I want to run around defending myself I know that I don't have to. I know what I have done for this child. I know what lengths I have been to with her. I know how much I sacrificed in my life to raise her even when she wasn't mine to raise. I don't have to prove to anyone what I know in my heart. I have done the best I can do.
I wasn't even going to write about her until it was time. We have a past. It is a huge part of my life. I will write about this almost 14 year relationship at another time as alot of it will definatley leave most people saddened.
The future is yet to be seen as far as this very delicate relationship goes. There is a lot of growing up to be done. I will not accept anything less than that. She has chosen to be the example of what happens when you get involved in drugs and move out on your own. We have two small children that have big ears and soft hearts. I don't want them to hear the words that are being said. I don't want to start that hardening of the heart process that will happen if there is too much exposure to all of this dysfunction. How do I protect the young ones and still make my daughter see what she is doing is wrong. The future that she had planned for is in danger. For today we are letting her go. Not like we have a choice.
I can feel that things are changing within myself. How do I keep a handle on my own mental health through all of this. I am not sleeping well. Dreaming of snakes and anxiety ridden scenarios. I know all of this is related. I am hungrier now and I know that food can not become the outlet for my pain. Not again. I have to figure out a way to get through all of this without turning to food for comfort.Lots of prayer and talking amongst friends and family. I am venting. I have to not just think about others today. I have to take care of myself in order for me to be able to carry on with this life struggle. I am going to be OK! It is not too much! I have to be able to talk about the pain and hurt feelings so I don't just put on that brave face and suffer internally. Do I sound selfish? There are a lot of I's in this paragraph. Maybe I need to be. Just about this. This is one change I have made in my life that I have to hang on to. I am digging my nails in to this and not letting it go. Food is not my friend.
So....this is it we are still in the same boat, floating around without a paddle. Hopefully soon I can get back to where I was before. I haven't had much time to think about my past and how I want to document it. Although it has been very good for me to do so. I have so far been very proud of the words I have written. Seeing how far I have come and how so much of it just seems to be pouring out in this room with very little thought. The healing process has begun to finally close that last irritating scab that would never heal. I am tired of picking at that last sore. I am healing, sick thoughts are subsiding. Hating myself is no longer. I am a great person, I am a wonderful mother and the best wife ever.
I remember those days and remember the troubles I caused. Very well. What I don't remember is ever disrespecting my parents with language not suited for a sailor. I can't remember it because I didn't do it. I loved my parents very much and tried my hardest to shield them from the things I was doing. I never crossed my dad and wouldn't dare have done it with my mother, for fear of my dad. Simple. I was no dummy. I never wanted to hurt my parents. I cried when I hurt them. I always wanted to be better for them. I never was, but I never thought they didn't love me. I got that part of it. I got that they fought with me because of that.
I have to believe that my daughter knows the same thing even though she says the opposite. I personally am getting a lot of the blame for all that is wrong. I expected too much. I am being portrayed as an unfit and uncaring parent by my daughter. I have no defense because I don't know these people she is with and they especially don't know me. They don't know me and how many years I have tried to see her to the light. I have tried and fought and screamed and cried what seems like blood for tears. I want to not take all of this attack personally. I feel like my character is being pulled apart one petal at a time. I am strong and can stand my ground even though I want to run around defending myself I know that I don't have to. I know what I have done for this child. I know what lengths I have been to with her. I know how much I sacrificed in my life to raise her even when she wasn't mine to raise. I don't have to prove to anyone what I know in my heart. I have done the best I can do.
I wasn't even going to write about her until it was time. We have a past. It is a huge part of my life. I will write about this almost 14 year relationship at another time as alot of it will definatley leave most people saddened.
The future is yet to be seen as far as this very delicate relationship goes. There is a lot of growing up to be done. I will not accept anything less than that. She has chosen to be the example of what happens when you get involved in drugs and move out on your own. We have two small children that have big ears and soft hearts. I don't want them to hear the words that are being said. I don't want to start that hardening of the heart process that will happen if there is too much exposure to all of this dysfunction. How do I protect the young ones and still make my daughter see what she is doing is wrong. The future that she had planned for is in danger. For today we are letting her go. Not like we have a choice.
I can feel that things are changing within myself. How do I keep a handle on my own mental health through all of this. I am not sleeping well. Dreaming of snakes and anxiety ridden scenarios. I know all of this is related. I am hungrier now and I know that food can not become the outlet for my pain. Not again. I have to figure out a way to get through all of this without turning to food for comfort.Lots of prayer and talking amongst friends and family. I am venting. I have to not just think about others today. I have to take care of myself in order for me to be able to carry on with this life struggle. I am going to be OK! It is not too much! I have to be able to talk about the pain and hurt feelings so I don't just put on that brave face and suffer internally. Do I sound selfish? There are a lot of I's in this paragraph. Maybe I need to be. Just about this. This is one change I have made in my life that I have to hang on to. I am digging my nails in to this and not letting it go. Food is not my friend.
So....this is it we are still in the same boat, floating around without a paddle. Hopefully soon I can get back to where I was before. I haven't had much time to think about my past and how I want to document it. Although it has been very good for me to do so. I have so far been very proud of the words I have written. Seeing how far I have come and how so much of it just seems to be pouring out in this room with very little thought. The healing process has begun to finally close that last irritating scab that would never heal. I am tired of picking at that last sore. I am healing, sick thoughts are subsiding. Hating myself is no longer. I am a great person, I am a wonderful mother and the best wife ever.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
TOUGH LOVE?! DAMMIT?!
I arrived home and went straight to bed with my head pounding. I was able to sleep for about and hour and the headache was not as bad. I went to the kitchen to start dinner for the family. The kids were outside playing in the yard. I watched them from the window. I like my life, I like my home. I love my family.
I don't know what made me go into my oldest daughters room. At this point I don't remember,but when I went in I was surprised as it looked as if she was cleaning her room. It is always a disaster. So I took a closer look and thought wow she is even getting rid of some stuff. The more I looked I could see that all her shoes were gone, the bed was covered in hangers, and all of her clothes were gone. Oh, I think she has moved out. hmm. So I went into investigative mode. My niece called her to inquire and she said she would be home at 10. Well we waited and when she came home we all sat in the living room and I asked where all of her clothes are. I got the normal, Huh? So I asked are you moving out? The answer was yes. She is 17 and has done her homework. She knows she can even though we don't want her to. It was a total surprise to Jeff and I as things have been pretty good around the house for months now. I thought we were through all this rebellion. I guess not.
I am thinking this has everything to do with the conversation we had Friday before all hell broke loose with my Dad. I had a sneaking suspicion that she was doing drugs and confronted her on it. There isn't a lot a person can get past me as I have been there and done that when it comes to that topic. I told her that it wasn't OK and we all wanted her to not do this. Please think about it very carefully. I didn't like the people she hangs with and could tell they were not good influences in her life or for her future. She stood there looking past me with her hair over one eye. All I could get from her was, "Can I go now?" She was checked out. I knew it but had to go and do what I needed to for my father and would handle all this when I came home.
Well less than 24 hours after I arrived home she has made the life decision to move away from our home. No reason, other than she has a lot going on right now and can't talk to us about it. So we are left in the dark and she doesn't seem to care. It is none of our business as she so bluntly put it.
My life is flashing before me. Oh the mistakes I made. If only she could learn from mine. The only thing I know is I can't do what my parents did. They enabled me to continue on the road of destruction for many years. Afraid to use tough love because I may not have a place to go. Fear of the unknown kept them offering me more and more. I took and took and never looked back. Just kept on trucking. What if they had cut me off. Would I have gone to work and shortened the length of time I spent out there torturing myself. I would have to say yes. You can't make it without money in this world and if you don't have your parents to give it to you when they know what you are using it for but can't help themselves then you can't keep up with the Jones. I am hoping and praying that it is going to be short lived and she ends up OK.
I don't really know what I think right now. I am just shocked. It is tough being a parent and you never ever know for a 100%fact that what you are doing is the right thing. I wish I had that handbook on parenting. Is there and exact right thing to do? I don't think so. I need to relax and trust my gut on this. I need to stand strong and continue on the path I am on . Healing my life, my home and our family unit. She is making her own choices at this point. I can only offer my words. I have done so.
I don't know what made me go into my oldest daughters room. At this point I don't remember,but when I went in I was surprised as it looked as if she was cleaning her room. It is always a disaster. So I took a closer look and thought wow she is even getting rid of some stuff. The more I looked I could see that all her shoes were gone, the bed was covered in hangers, and all of her clothes were gone. Oh, I think she has moved out. hmm. So I went into investigative mode. My niece called her to inquire and she said she would be home at 10. Well we waited and when she came home we all sat in the living room and I asked where all of her clothes are. I got the normal, Huh? So I asked are you moving out? The answer was yes. She is 17 and has done her homework. She knows she can even though we don't want her to. It was a total surprise to Jeff and I as things have been pretty good around the house for months now. I thought we were through all this rebellion. I guess not.
I am thinking this has everything to do with the conversation we had Friday before all hell broke loose with my Dad. I had a sneaking suspicion that she was doing drugs and confronted her on it. There isn't a lot a person can get past me as I have been there and done that when it comes to that topic. I told her that it wasn't OK and we all wanted her to not do this. Please think about it very carefully. I didn't like the people she hangs with and could tell they were not good influences in her life or for her future. She stood there looking past me with her hair over one eye. All I could get from her was, "Can I go now?" She was checked out. I knew it but had to go and do what I needed to for my father and would handle all this when I came home.
Well less than 24 hours after I arrived home she has made the life decision to move away from our home. No reason, other than she has a lot going on right now and can't talk to us about it. So we are left in the dark and she doesn't seem to care. It is none of our business as she so bluntly put it.
My life is flashing before me. Oh the mistakes I made. If only she could learn from mine. The only thing I know is I can't do what my parents did. They enabled me to continue on the road of destruction for many years. Afraid to use tough love because I may not have a place to go. Fear of the unknown kept them offering me more and more. I took and took and never looked back. Just kept on trucking. What if they had cut me off. Would I have gone to work and shortened the length of time I spent out there torturing myself. I would have to say yes. You can't make it without money in this world and if you don't have your parents to give it to you when they know what you are using it for but can't help themselves then you can't keep up with the Jones. I am hoping and praying that it is going to be short lived and she ends up OK.
I don't really know what I think right now. I am just shocked. It is tough being a parent and you never ever know for a 100%fact that what you are doing is the right thing. I wish I had that handbook on parenting. Is there and exact right thing to do? I don't think so. I need to relax and trust my gut on this. I need to stand strong and continue on the path I am on . Healing my life, my home and our family unit. She is making her own choices at this point. I can only offer my words. I have done so.
Monday, February 2, 2009
THANKFUL
He is an admirable man with many attributes that make me want to be a better person. He stands strong in his beliefs. Has lived a noble life and strives to be a better man each day. Many people love him and look up to him. I am one of those people. This man to me is more than all I have listed. He is my daddy. Been there for me through everything I have done in my life. No matter what it was I was always loved by him and treated kindly in the face of all the destruction I caused. Never made me feel shame. Always believed in me and only wanted and still wants for me the best. A truly emotional being that will laugh, cry, argue, joke with me about almost anything. I couldn't have asked for a better father in my life. He takes the cake.
So when I got the call Friday night as I was pulling into the parking lot of a restaurant to celebrate my husbands birthday with his family that my mom had to call 911 because my dad coouldn't walk suddenly. Immediately went to the hospital to meet him when the ambulance arrived. As it turned out my fahter suffered a mini-stroke (transient ischemic attack) TIA. All of his symptoms had subsided and was able to walk talk and pass all the test that were put before him. We were all so afraid. He was admitted to the hospital for further testing to make sure he didn't have a blockage of any kind. He was transferred by ambulance to Bryan .
We arrived at St. Josephs on Friday night around 9 tp the E.R. and didn't get into a room until 3 in the morning. The 3 of us were completly exhausted by this time and passed out for a few hours before the next day started. The waiting game was on. By all accounts he felt pretty much 100% and was ready to go but we had to get the test done. Well, that took over 36 hours just to get that done in the meantime the doctors decided to play with his blood pressure medicine which caused all kinds of problems and more scares.
We ultimately made it home to see the superbowl that evening. He is feeling better.As if it never happened. I am so grateful for that. Seeing my dad in any other way besides a picture of health is not something I am used to. Nor do I ever want to. It is something I am going to have to think about now. He is getting older and as we know everyone dies. I don't want to think about my life without my parents yet. I am not ready as selfish as that sounds. It is what it is. They are a crucial part of my childrens life as well as mine.
These things I had to think about all weekend and am totally exhausted emotionally and physically. I have had a splitting headache all day that I am hoping I can sleep off tonight. Today I am just thankful that my daddy is alive and well and was given more time here with us.
So when I got the call Friday night as I was pulling into the parking lot of a restaurant to celebrate my husbands birthday with his family that my mom had to call 911 because my dad coouldn't walk suddenly. Immediately went to the hospital to meet him when the ambulance arrived. As it turned out my fahter suffered a mini-stroke (transient ischemic attack) TIA. All of his symptoms had subsided and was able to walk talk and pass all the test that were put before him. We were all so afraid. He was admitted to the hospital for further testing to make sure he didn't have a blockage of any kind. He was transferred by ambulance to Bryan .
We arrived at St. Josephs on Friday night around 9 tp the E.R. and didn't get into a room until 3 in the morning. The 3 of us were completly exhausted by this time and passed out for a few hours before the next day started. The waiting game was on. By all accounts he felt pretty much 100% and was ready to go but we had to get the test done. Well, that took over 36 hours just to get that done in the meantime the doctors decided to play with his blood pressure medicine which caused all kinds of problems and more scares.
We ultimately made it home to see the superbowl that evening. He is feeling better.As if it never happened. I am so grateful for that. Seeing my dad in any other way besides a picture of health is not something I am used to. Nor do I ever want to. It is something I am going to have to think about now. He is getting older and as we know everyone dies. I don't want to think about my life without my parents yet. I am not ready as selfish as that sounds. It is what it is. They are a crucial part of my childrens life as well as mine.
These things I had to think about all weekend and am totally exhausted emotionally and physically. I have had a splitting headache all day that I am hoping I can sleep off tonight. Today I am just thankful that my daddy is alive and well and was given more time here with us.
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