too long ago written to not post but never finished that day...i shall look back later...

The past few days have been unbearable in so many ways...I can only describe myself as Chicken Little...I am literally panicking at every turn thinking that the sky is falling..I over analyze things to the point where there is no way i can actually live up to the expectations I put upon myself..why i choose to torture myself i haven't figured out...on some level i can not control it...yesterday was the worst and the first day i have ever had like this one...before the day ever began it was doomed in my mind...the was a thick heavy fog laying across my brain not allowing me to see clearly that the sky indeed was not falling...showered and as ready as i could have been i set out to work and the slightest anything something as simple as not getting the correct goodbye as i left the house set me into full swing...crying..i started crying right at that moment...8:00 a.m. sat at my desk completely full to the top with tears...pouring out one at a time with out any efforts..dropping big drops on my shirt as i try to work through it...trying to figure out who was to blame for all of this mess i was feeling...lashing out desperately to blame...something bad had to have happened to me to make me feel this way...

It became perfectly clear to me that i was not going to get much better at that desk..something needed to happen...no longer being able to focus on anything other than the fact that i was obviously miserable i set out for lunch...not making to my car in the parking lot before the tears blurred my vision. my face was distorted from trying hard not to cry...what happened? what is happening? no control over this emotion that is flooding me...taken over from the inside out...i was a physical representation of what my heart was feeling at the moment ... pain..sadness..loneliness...

A complete wreck at best...almost begging my own mind for some relief from this pain which i didn't understand...although i did not understand it ...i know myself well enough to know it was real...i had to think...it hurt to think...the sobs came in waves....crashing against me to the point where i found i was breathless...i was drowning in sorrow...truly caught in a whirlpool of....what?

The day wore on... I could not recover...I lay in bed for hours alone at home crying out loud....letting it go....thinking all along...What is it? Why am I? What is wrong? What do I do now?I didn't know what to do...so I did nothing...I let it go..I let the tears and the sobs and the whines and sorrow pour from me...not being able to remember the last time I cried this way...my soul was more than leaking...for a moment, the dam had broken...

"What is your breaking point?" I remember that question being asked to me...my answer at the time was very idealistic...I replied with a "I think if a person is able to release the pressure daily from their lives through talking to others then it never builds enough for a person to break." For me at that moment I believed that...some parts of me still do...the problem with that statement as I can see it now that I have it written is..." through talking to others" ....that means i am dependent on others to help me... not so uncommon...also not the responsibility of others to make sure I am okay...if and when that connection is lost...finding yourself stagnate is easy...i was there...i was in a pit of sadness and although i knew i was going to be okay...i wanted to know what in the world was going on with me...this was me...my physical being...taken over by an emotional state...

I'm not sure at what point during this whole "episode" that i was able to pull myself up enough to realize