It is definitely a Monday. I haven't been able to get anything accomplished today. The computer tech is here and been back and forth all day. I have a lot to do. Well while I am at it I thought I might check in with a new entry. I don't know what I am writing about today as my life seems to be spinning a little out of control. Teenagers.
I remember those days and remember the troubles I caused. Very well. What I don't remember is ever disrespecting my parents with language not suited for a sailor. I can't remember it because I didn't do it. I loved my parents very much and tried my hardest to shield them from the things I was doing. I never crossed my dad and wouldn't dare have done it with my mother, for fear of my dad. Simple. I was no dummy. I never wanted to hurt my parents. I cried when I hurt them. I always wanted to be better for them. I never was, but I never thought they didn't love me. I got that part of it. I got that they fought with me because of that.
I have to believe that my daughter knows the same thing even though she says the opposite. I personally am getting a lot of the blame for all that is wrong. I expected too much. I am being portrayed as an unfit and uncaring parent by my daughter. I have no defense because I don't know these people she is with and they especially don't know me. They don't know me and how many years I have tried to see her to the light. I have tried and fought and screamed and cried what seems like blood for tears. I want to not take all of this attack personally. I feel like my character is being pulled apart one petal at a time. I am strong and can stand my ground even though I want to run around defending myself I know that I don't have to. I know what I have done for this child. I know what lengths I have been to with her. I know how much I sacrificed in my life to raise her even when she wasn't mine to raise. I don't have to prove to anyone what I know in my heart. I have done the best I can do.
I wasn't even going to write about her until it was time. We have a past. It is a huge part of my life. I will write about this almost 14 year relationship at another time as alot of it will definatley leave most people saddened.
The future is yet to be seen as far as this very delicate relationship goes. There is a lot of growing up to be done. I will not accept anything less than that. She has chosen to be the example of what happens when you get involved in drugs and move out on your own. We have two small children that have big ears and soft hearts. I don't want them to hear the words that are being said. I don't want to start that hardening of the heart process that will happen if there is too much exposure to all of this dysfunction. How do I protect the young ones and still make my daughter see what she is doing is wrong. The future that she had planned for is in danger. For today we are letting her go. Not like we have a choice.
I can feel that things are changing within myself. How do I keep a handle on my own mental health through all of this. I am not sleeping well. Dreaming of snakes and anxiety ridden scenarios. I know all of this is related. I am hungrier now and I know that food can not become the outlet for my pain. Not again. I have to figure out a way to get through all of this without turning to food for comfort.Lots of prayer and talking amongst friends and family. I am venting. I have to not just think about others today. I have to take care of myself in order for me to be able to carry on with this life struggle. I am going to be OK! It is not too much! I have to be able to talk about the pain and hurt feelings so I don't just put on that brave face and suffer internally. Do I sound selfish? There are a lot of I's in this paragraph. Maybe I need to be. Just about this. This is one change I have made in my life that I have to hang on to. I am digging my nails in to this and not letting it go. Food is not my friend.
So....this is it we are still in the same boat, floating around without a paddle. Hopefully soon I can get back to where I was before. I haven't had much time to think about my past and how I want to document it. Although it has been very good for me to do so. I have so far been very proud of the words I have written. Seeing how far I have come and how so much of it just seems to be pouring out in this room with very little thought. The healing process has begun to finally close that last irritating scab that would never heal. I am tired of picking at that last sore. I am healing, sick thoughts are subsiding. Hating myself is no longer. I am a great person, I am a wonderful mother and the best wife ever.
